Dec 24, 2014

Raging Anger against The Legend of Korra

Well okay, more like very minor gripes, but I got you to click, didn't I? Oh yeah!

Err, anyway...

I make no secret that I was a big fan of Avatar: The Last Airbender. Hell, I kept watching it long after my kids abandoned it (they have no taste), eagerly awaiting each new book.  While there are some spectacularly bad episodes within the series, for the most part it's an awesome cartoon. Thus I was excited when I first heard about The Legend of Korra.

Now here's the thing, for the most part Korra lives up to her predecessor. It grew into an exciting show with likable characters and some fun plots. I was there with it right up through the end.  Now that it's over, though, and I find myself wondering if we'll ever visit the world of benders again in cartoon format (Nickelodean will almost certainly continue things in comic format...and if they don't, they're idiots), I find the Star Trek nerd in me coming to the forefront to whine about minor things that bugged me.

Yes, I am a jerk that way.

Closure from the old crew: I know what some of you will say, this was a new show about new characters. We should be thankful we got a shot of Katara in the opening episode, and for the most part I'd agree.  However, that wasn't the only mention we got of the past generation.  We got to see the grownup spirit of Aang, met up with Iroh in the spirit world, got some quality time with elderly Zuko and Toph. You know where I'm going with this.

Where the hell is Sokka!?  Sure we got a glimpse of him in one episode, and Katara hinted that he had died, but that was it.  No mention of him, whether he and Suki got married, whether he eventually hooked up with Toph (we learned who Lin's dad was, but not Suy's) or how he died?  Why did the lone non-bender of the original Team Avatar get no love? That dude was epic, yet for all we know one day he drank some more bad cactus juice and then wandered off into the Earth Kingdom, never to be seen again. Lame!

The new team getting their asses kicked: Sure, the original Team Avatar didn't always win, but for the most part it was because the odds were stacked heavily against them.  The new Team Avatar...sorry, but those folks suck at the one thing they should be good at - fighting other benders. Hell, in a match between them all I might give Asami the edge and all she had was a taser glove.

Let's start off with Bolin and Mako. These two are former world-class professional benders, emphasis on world class. They went all the way to the championship.  You'd think these guys would steamroll over most folks who dared bend a drop of water in their direction. Not so.  Their fighting strategy seemed to consist of "Throw rocks or fire at our enemies and hope we get lucky?" More often than not, they didn't.  Think about it.  This is like Michael Jordan teaming up with Lawrence Taylor...and then getting their butts handed to them in high school pickup games across the country.

Korra wasn't much better, obviously having rejected her training to follow in the footsteps of these "masters".  Compare this to the original team.  All of them: Aang, Katara, Zuko, and Toph were smart fighters - using their environments to their advantage, often with devastating results.  Hell, elderly 80+ year old Toph pretty easily pimp-slapped Korra in their training matches. One got the impression that she could have singlehandedly stopped Kuvira in season 4 in between gumming her food and complaining about her back.

I liked Korra's friends, but if they were to ever travel into the past to before the end of the Hundred Year War, they'd get smoked...probably by Sokka alone.

Seriously, that was their plan with Baatar Jr???: Their city was being sacked, their forces destroyed, and people were dying left and right...yet Korra refused to beat the information out of Baatar Jr.  Instead relying on some lame strategy to threaten him with never seeing his girlfriend again.  Sure it worked, but it was only because Baatar Jr was a wuss.  In a show that often has not shied away from the horrors of war, this just seemed out of place.  Seriously, what would Korra have done if he'd said "Fine. Have fun with that" - throw her hands up and surrender. "Well, I've done all I can do."

The Ending: Oh relax.  I don't mean that ending. I thought that was cool (and I won't spoil it).  No, this gripe is for Verizon or Nickelodean - whoever was responsible for the show running a bit long and causing my DVR to crap out a minute before the real ending.  There I was, watching them walk toward the spirit portal and then...."Would you like to delete this recording?"  What?  That was it?  It was not until a few days later when I realized I needed to get my butt to and watch those last few seconds.  Jeez!  Some days technology truly stinks.

The Ending part 2: No, I still don't mean that ending.  What I mean is that the whole series finale felt more like a mid-season ending.  Maybe it was the lack of a full, multi-season arc like the original show, but season 3's plot with Zahir felt a lot bigger.  The entirely of season 4 felt kind of like a minor subplot or epilogue to that.  Not cool.  Last Airbender's finale was epic.  One almost felt like they needed to smoke a cigarette when it was all over.  Korra...more like "Um, is there gonna be a season 5?  No?  Well, um, okay I guess."


Oh well, at least I  was able to get these off of my chest.  Now that I have, maybe I can move on with my life again.

But yeah, it was still an awesome show.  :)

ps: Old Zuko should have totally started dating old Katarra...that would have been cool too.

Dec 14, 2014

Half a Prayer (The Tome of Bill, part 6): Teaser 1

It's that time again...time for a cover, blurb, and teaser reveal. That means a new release can't be all that far behind.

The Tome of Bill, part6

Coming soon!

Terror lurks below and it’s about to surface.

The end of the world is rapidly approaching, but Bill Ryder - gamer, geek, and legendary vampire - finds himself with more pressing matters to worry about: the women in his life. Sidelined from action, he’s forced to reevaluate his feelings. Sadly for him, it’s a luxury he can ill afford.

An unstoppable terror from the dawn of time has awoken deep beneath the Earth and is headed his way. To make matter worse, he’s been deemed a traitor by those he thought to be his allies. Now he finds himself fighting off enemies from all sides while warring with his emotions. Talk about sucky timing for introspection.

As the world crumbles to pieces around him, Bill must muster his courage, master his powers, and rise to the destiny he’s been trying so long to deny - because if he doesn’t, his love life will be the least of his worries..

"So what does it taste like?" Miranda asked as I took another swig from the canteen to shore up my enhanced abilities.

"Huh?" We'd taken a short break, and I'd stepped away from the group to recharge and double check we were still on the right path. I hadn't realized she'd followed me.

"The blood. I know you need it to survive, but do you actually like it?"

It had been rare for anyone outside of my roommates to ask that, and they'd mostly just made fun of me for it. Dave had inquired on a few occasions, but it was more in a clinical sort of way - like I was a lab rat.

"The truth is," I said, "it's hard to describe. Think of your favorite food."

"Oh, that's easy. There was this little roadside stand right outside of St. George that used to make these incredible fried brain sandwiches served with fresh okra. They were..."



"You ate fried brains?"

"Whenever I could get out there."

"That's fucking disgusting," I said, horrified.

"You drink blood."

"I know, and I still find that vile."

"You don't know what you're missing."

"And for that I am thankful." Ugh. My stomach churned at the very thought. I had figured nobody outside of that crazy Andrew Zimmern dude would stuff shit like that down their gullet. Man, people were just fucking weird. "Anyway, imagine that every single one of your senses was now attuned to...brain, I suppose, especially your taste buds. Think of how that sandwich would taste magnified a hundred-fold. That's pretty much how it is with blood."

"But even something that tastes that good doesn't explain why."

"Why what?"

"Why some of you are such animals."

I chose to ignore the implied insult. "Actually, I think it does. If something is so insanely good, it's gonna be almost like a drug."

"So what you're saying is that you're all addicts?"

"I'm not ready to call myself a crackhead quite yet, although I've gotta have some rocks in my head to be in this place."

"About that, why are you down here? I'd heard the official story upstairs, that it was a rescue mission, but there's gotta be more to it."

"No, not really."

"But this guy..."


"Fine, Ed. He's just a human," Miranda said skeptically.

I decided to hold my tongue on that just a human part. Ed was something else nowadays, something that had apparently not been seen before. Even so, at the end of the day, he was still my friend, and that was what counted. I voiced as much.

"That's it?"

I blinked for a moment. "What do you mean, ‘that's it'? Isn't that enough?"

"I didn't mean it that way. It's just that..."

"Most vampires you've met wouldn't step across the street to help out a human?"


"I know what you mean. Of the vamps I've met, I'd say the vast majority of them have been total assholes."

"But you're different?"

"No, he's still an asshole," Sally called from where she and the others were checking their ammo.

Goddamned vampire super hearing. "Will you stop fucking eavesdropping?" I lowered my voice to a bare whisper and added, "Bitch."

"I heard that."

"You were meant to," I snapped before turning back to Miranda. "Here's the deal. I've been a vamp for less than two years." Her eyes opened wide in surprise. "It's true. Before that...well, okay, during most of it too, Ed was my roommate. He and my other roommate, Tom, are my friends. I'd do anything for them."

"And they're not thralls?"

"Would I risk my ass to save a thrall?"

Miranda appeared to consider that. Finally, she nodded, satisfied with my answer. She glanced back toward the group where Sally was busy spray-painting a marker on the wall to note our passage, as she'd been doing every couple hundred yards since we'd started this journey. When it was time to bug out, chances were we wouldn't have the luxury of waiting for me to smell our way back to the surface. Finally, she stopped and put the can away in her pack.

It was time to move again.

Before we stepped to rejoin them, Miranda said, "Your friend is lucky to have you."

"Us," I corrected. "Sally didn't have to come along. This was her choice too."

"Are you and she..."

"In his dreams," Sally replied from her position a couple of yards away.

I sneered in her direction. "Only the ones that take place near a free clinic."

Nov 12, 2014

Bill The Adventurer - Character Class Summary part 2

Read Part 1

The Tome of Bill is the tale of a gamer / geek turned vampire. Thus it's only natural to wonder what would happen if Bill found himself and his friends in the very setting he often cites. How would he stack up as an adventurer on a character sheet? Time to find out.

For those wondering on the below, Pathfinder rules apply and stats are meant just as a relative examples - not true representations of their power in the books. Let's not drive the poor DMs too crazy.  ;)

Name: Sheila O'Connell
Class: Paladin
Alignment: Lawful Good
Race: Human
Level: 7
STR: 12
DEX: 17
CON: 15
INT: 13
WIS: 15
CHA: 16*
Special Abilities:
  • Aura of Faith - You radiate positive energy, as if from a continual Protection From Evil spell, 10 feet in all directions. As a swift action you may leave up to 2 allies per every five levels untouched by its effects.
* Unless your name is Bill Ryder, in which case consider it a 30 for charm, intimidation, and diplomacy purposes

Name: The Wanderer
Class: Horizon Walker
Alignment: Lawful Neutral
Race: Vampire
Level: 15
STR: 24
DEX: 19
CON: 25
INT: 22
WIS: 19
CHA: 20
Special Abilities:
  • Font of Knowledge - Once a day per level, plus a number of times equal to your intelligence modifier, you may add 20 to any knowledge roll.

Name: Harry Decker
Class: Sorcerer
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
Race: Formerly human, now Demilich
Level: 8
STR: 10
DEX: 12
CON: 13
INT: 15
CHA: 14
Special Abilities:
  •  Choose 2 additional spells per day, up to your max spellcaster ability, from the Madness domain

Name: Gansetseg
Class: Ninja
Alignment: Chaotic Evil
Race: Vampire
Level: 12
STR: 20
DEX: 24
INT: 18
WIS: 14
CHA: 18
Special Abilities:
  • Your movement is double what your level, ability scores, and encumbrance would normally dictate.
  • True Love's Guidance - Designate another player character as your soul mate. At all times you have an innate knowledge of their general direction and location within a number of miles equal to your perception modifier - allowing you to track them unerringly as long as they are within range. Should your soul mate die, you may choose another after a two week mourning period.

Name: Alexander of Macedon
Class: Battle Herald
Alignment: Lawful Evil
Race: Vampire
Level: 20
STR: 30
DEX: 22
CON: 28
INT: 22
WIS: 21
CHA: 19
Special Abilities:
  • Die for Your Lord - Cast Dominate Person as a move action once per day / level. Targets save at -4 against it.  Protection from Evil has a 50% chance of failing to end this effect.

Name: Turd
Class: Barbarian
Alignment: Neutral Evil
Race: Dire Ape
STR: 28
DEX: 15
CON: 27
INT: 8
WIS: 7
CHA: 6
Special Abilities:
  • You are proficient with exotic weapons. 
  • Stench of the Woods - You radiate a continual aura of Stinking Cloud in a 15 foot radius. Slow Poison is negated by its effect.

Choose your equipment and spells wisely, mighty adventurer.

Nov 8, 2014

Bill The Adventurer - Character Class Summary part 1

The Tome of Bill is the tale of a gamer / geek turned vampire.  As Bill fumbles his way through the dark world of supernatural horrors he often calls upon his experience around the gaming table to guide his way - for better or worse.

But what if Bill found himself and his friends in the very setting he often calls upon? How would he stack up as an adventurer on a character sheet? Well, let's find out.

For those wondering on the below, Pathfinder rules apply.
Note: stats are meant just as a relative examples - not true representations of their power in the books. After all, it wouldn't do to allow a player to start the game with a 24 in strength, dexterity, and constitution. Let's keep it fair for the poor DMs out there.  ;)

Name: Bill Ryder
Class: Fighter / Barbarian
Alignment: True Neutral
Race: Vampire
Level: 3
STR: 14
DEX: 12
CON: 16
INT: 17
WIS: 7
CHA:  11
Special Abilities:
  • Blood Rage - Upon ingesting another vampire's blood, you gain temporary levels equal to the enemy's hit dice. Add one point of STR and CON for every level of hit dice gained, but lose two points of INT for every 4 levels gained.  If INT is lowered below 3, you enter a berzerker rage, attacking the creatures nearest you whether they be friend or foe. These temporary levels remain for 1d4 rounds for every 4 levels of experience.

Name: Sally Sunset
Class: Slayer
Alignment: Neutral Evil
Race: Vampire
Level: 5
STR: 16
DEX: 18
CON: 18
INT: 17
WIS: 16
CHA: 22
Special Abilities:
  • Hypnotic Personality - Once a day per level, you may choose to add your charisma modifier to an intimidate or diplomacy check made against the opposite sex. If the check succeeds the victim must succeed in a Will saving throw or be charmed for 1d6 rounds.

Name: Christy Fenton
Class: Witch
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Race: Human
Level: 4
STR: 7
DEX: 10
CON: 11
INT: 15
CHA: 18
Special Abilities:
  •  Choose 2 additional spells per day, up to your max spellcaster ability, from the Charm domain

Name: Ed Vesser
Class: Gunslinger
Alignment: Lawful Neutral
Race: Human(?)
Level: 2
STR: 11
DEX: 11
CON: 13
INT: 14
WIS: 13
CHA: 9
Special Abilities:
  • You can gain access to Sneak Attack and Uncanny Dodge as a Rogue of the same level.

Name: Tom McIntyre
Class: Arcane Trickster
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
Race: Human
Level: 2
STR: 10
DEX: 13
CON: 12
INT: 9
WIS: 7
CHA: 15
Special Abilities:
  • Insane Fetish - You may designate one non-weapon possession as your personal Fetish. When wielding this item you may Channel Positive Energy as per a Cleric of the same level.  In addition, once per day for every five levels you possess you may cast Holy Smite through your Fetish.  If your Fetish is ever destroyed, you must wait 2 weeks and spent 500gp / level to obtain a new one.

There's your beginning party.  Choose your equipment and spells wisely.

Should you survive your first few adventures, we'll continue this series in a few days with some of the higher level threats that exist in this world...

Read Part 2

Oct 28, 2014

Guest Post - Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse.

It's almost Halloween and what would the holiday be without at least one public service announcement. Sadly, I'm ill equipped to discuss anything outside of surviving an attack on one's collection of Transformers - a scenario that will probably be fairly rare for most on this All Hallows Eve.

Fortunately guest blogger Naomi Shaw was kind enough to step in and help me hide my shortcomings with a little info and her awesome infographic about that perennial favorite (and ever present threat): the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse.

Take it away, Naomi!

Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

If you haven’t yet jumped onto the zombie bandwagon in popular media, you still have time. Zombies have never been more popular across so many different types of media, meaning that you have plenty of options from which to choose, any of which will let you catch up quickly so you don’t feel left out during coffee break discussions with co-workers.

Zombie TV Shows

Much of what is driving the current excitement over zombies is The Walking Dead. But here are three zombie TV shows that fans of the genre are watching.

1.    The Walking Dead--This show has set records for cable TV viewership for a non-sports show at 17.3 million.
2.    In The Flesh--A quirky and well done British offering, In the Flesh shows an attempt to incorporate “cured” zombies back into society.
3.    Z Nation--The SyFy channel has greenlighted the newest zombie apocalypse show in Z Nation.

Zombie Movies

Plenty of great zombie movies have been released--far too many to list here. But there are three referenced in the accompanying infographic that will help you familiarize yourself with the zombie genre as its appeared in a few different eras.

1.    Night of the Living Dead--This cult classic in 1968 was one of the most controversial movies of the time.
2.    28 Days Later--A fast-moving zombie outbreak leads to a breakdown of society.
3.    World War Z--The latest big-budget zombie thriller grossed $540 million worldwide.

Zombie Books

Books about the zombie apocalypse are plentiful. And although there isn’t one book that’s generating the kind of buzz that The Walking Dead is generating, here are five can’t-miss zombie-related books to expand your knowledge of the genre.

1.    Adrian’s Undead Diary: Dark Recollections by Chris Philbrook
2.    Aftertime trilogy by Sophie Littlefield
3.    As the World Dies trilogy by Rhiannon Frater
4.    Rot & Ruin by Jonathan Maberry
5.    World War Z by Max Brooks

Taking the Next Step

If you’ve now become a fan of the idea of zombies, you’re probably ready to take the next step: Preparing for the zombie apocalypse. Now keeping in mind the idea of the undead rising up and taking over the earth is pure fantasy for all but the most hardcore zombie fans, you may not want to invest a lot of serious time in prepping specifically for the zombie apocalypse.

On the other hand, as you can see in the infographic attached here, much of the preparation you might do for a zombie apocalypse will apply to all sorts of natural disasters, such as a hurricane or outbreak of an illness. The folks running the web site don’t care exactly why you create an emergency kit, as long as you do. Some items to include in a kit include:

     Clothing. Keeping warm is always tough in a disaster, so pack your kit with clothing you can wear in layers.
     Documentation. Have your driver’s license with you in any emergency situation … even the zombie apocalypse.
     First aid kits. Any emergency kit needs basic first-aid supplies, including clean bandages and anti-bacterial ointment, as well as personal prescriptions.
     Food. Keep some non-perishable food in your kit, including packaged nuts, energy bars, and canned soup.
     Radio. Remember that your cell phone may not work in an emergency situation, so a portable radio may be your only source of news.
     Light and batteries. A small flashlight with extra batteries are both important items to have in an emergency kit.
     Water and sanitation. Finding clean water will be challenging in a disaster situation, so keep some drinkable water, as well as some tablets or household bleach for purifying water, in your kit.

And if you want more information on specifically how to battle zombies, Max Brooks’ The Zombie Survival Guide is a great resource. It also is a fun read, keeping the idea of zombies fun and amusing.

About Naomi:

Naomi Shaw is a journalist and entrepreneur based in Southern California. She lives with her husband and three kids. She has done enough research to believe that, in the case of a zombie apocalypse, her family would fare very well. You can connect with Naomi on her Google Plus Page

Oct 21, 2014

Have you ever wanted to track down a reviewer in real life and...

I'll stop you right there.  If you filled in the above with any answer in the affirmative, you need to back up a step and reconsider everything you're doing. In the past week alone there have been two reported cases of author stalking. In one case the author showed up at the reviewer's doorstep. That's scary enough and a situation that could have easily escalated badly. In the other, it actually did escalate, ending with the author in question allegedly assaulting the reviewer with a wine bottle.

To anyone showing any sympathy whatsoever to the writers in question: what the hell is wrong with you? There is no justification under any circumstances for this kind of behavior over a book review. Repeat after me, it's a freaking book review - that's it. Nobody beat up your child, ran over your pet, or smothered your frail old grandmother in her sleep. There is no cause for losing your shit over the fact that someone didn't like your book. Get over it.

Should you consider any other action, whether it be petty online revenge or taking your fight into the real world, I would highly recommend you reconsider your choice of careers (in the latter case, please seek help as well). By publishing your written work and putting it up for sale, you are guaranteed that someone will hate it. Hell, they might even hate you for writing it. There is no IF here. It's entirely a matter of WHEN.

There is simply no such thing as a universally beloved artist. If you can't handle that, do yourself and everyone else a favor and think twice before putting yourself in the public eye.

I don't care how bile-filled of a rant you receive, even if they despised your book from the very depths of their soul. There is only one response that is even remotely justified by anyone claiming to call themselves a professional in this industry: succeed despite them. That's it. You have a critic who loathes you? Move on, get better at what you do, and let them stew as you prove yourself the better person. In the end that is truly the sweetest revenge, and it's one in which nobody has to get hurt or fear for their safety.

Sep 30, 2014

The Best Vampires are Free Vampires

There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them... 
But he is FREE!

Bill Ryder was a dateless dweeb...then he died. Unfortunately for him that was just the beginning of his troubles. He awoke to find himself a vampire, one of the legendary predators of the night. Unfortunately for him, he was still at the bottom of the food chain.

Now he finds himself surrounded by creatures stronger, deadlier and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst yet, they all want him dead...permanently this time.

Bill isn't exactly average, though. A vampire like him hasn't been seen in centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies, and an attitude problem that makes him too damn obnoxious to quit.

Join him in this hilarious tale of monsters, mayhem, and the unlikely hero who's not afraid to tell them all off...even if it gets his teeth kicked in.

Excerpt from BILL THE VAMPIRE (The Tome of Bill, part 1):

Sally and I left James sitting there, drinking espresso - damn that was going to be one wired vamp - and walked back to the village. As we got to within a few blocks of the loft in which I’d been turned, she informed me that we were about to enter their (our) territory, and that there would, no doubt, be eyeballs watching us.

“Stop slouching. Walk straight with your head up and facing ahead. You need to look like you own the place,” she said.

“I don't slouch.”

“You look like you're studying the sidewalk. You might as well have a sign that reads ‘Professional Victim’ hanging around your neck. Walk like I do.”

“Like my ass is available to the lowest bidder?”

“I'm surprised you haven't made me an offer yet. You look like somebody who needs to pay for it.”

“Thanks. Maybe I should just pledge my undying loyalty to Jeff.” I adopted a mock-sniveling tone. “Oh, and, by the way, master, Sally's trying to fuck you over behind your back.

“Touché. But it still doesn't change the fact that you need to exude a little bit of this thing we call ‘confidence’.”

She was an arrogant bitch, but she was an arrogant bitch with a good point. I stood straighter and tried to put a bit of a swagger in my step.

“Tone it down a little, Superfly,” she said out of the corner of her mouth.

“What? You said to walk with confidence.”

“Yeah, but that doesn't mean you have to shuffle like some seventies pimp.”

I tried what she suggested until she finally agreed that it was acceptable.

“Oh, there's one other little detail,” she said, stopping. “Just to give things an air of authenticity.”

I was about to ask her what, when she suddenly flung herself into a pile of trash on the sidewalk. Before I could even speak a word, she was back on her feet and launching herself face-first into the side of the nearest building.

“What the fuck?”

When she was finished with her insane self-inflicted assault, she stood before me - covered in grime, small cuts, and with several bruises on her face.

“Ta da!” she said with a smile. “Now it looks like I successfully tracked down the ferocious Freewill.”

Holy shit, this chick was psycho. What the hell had she and Ozymandias dragged me into?

Been waiting for an excuse to jump into this hard hitting, loudly swearing Urban Fantasy series?
Well wait no more!

Currently FREE for: Kindle | Nook | Kobo | Google Play | Ibooks | Smashwords

Aug 28, 2014

Author sales milestones as told by a D&D Gamer...

So, young writer, you wish to be an author, eh?  Well, sit down and I shall tell you of the doom that awaits thee - be it wondrous treasure or a shallow unmarked grave.

Many have traveled your path. Most have fallen. Some have become lords of their own fiefdoms. And a select few have lived long enough to become legend itself.

Here be the levels of acclaim that await you as you seek out adventure.

You wrote a book:  Congratulations. You have chosen to walk where others only dream to tread. Your friends and family might be content with the simple life of a villager, but you see a different path. Trading in your plow for a sword or spell book might confuse or even anger some, but you are confident that this is the life you were born to.

Your Very First Sale: Be it kobold or brigand, you have conquered your first foe and survived to tell the tale. Huzzah! Others may scoff, but you know this is but the first of many victories to come. You may be alone in raising a toast to your conquest, but deep down know that someday that will change.

1000 Sales: You’re a fledgling adventurer. Your mentors at the fighter's or mage's guild have grudgingly admitted your potential and cast you out to be on your way. With coin in pocket and honed weapons at the ready, you eagerly set forth on whatever journey the fates have in store for you.  At first you seek out minor foes, but your confidence and skill grows with every enemy you fell.

10,000 Sales: You have attained the standing of local hero, having cleared out the surrounding woods of orcs, dire wolves, and other such threats. When the village constable has an issue, you’re the first person he approaches to solve it.  You dream of becoming one of the heroes of legend, but for now are content to launch into action whenever the call is made, knowing that your time shall come.

50,000 Sales: A grizzled veteran, you have waged many a war and saved many a kingdom. Lusty tavern wenches (or knaves) await your return at every town you visit as well as do your seemingly endless enemies, but you welcome whatever challenge they offer. You begin to attract the attention of henchmen and squires hoping to learn your secrets to longevity.

100,000 Sales:  You have earned much fear and respect as an epic hero.  Your victories are not easily counted and bards sing songs of your conquests throughout the lands. Nobles, Warlords, and the highest circles of mystic power call upon you when the very world itself is in danger - knowing that you and you alone can stand against the menace. You would be a king by your hand save that the thirst for adventure still holds sway over your heart.

1 Million Sales: In a flash of divine lightning, you shed your mortal coil and ascend to immortality as a minor deity. Followers offer sacrifices and whisper your name in the hopes that they shall receive your blessing. When you speak, your words thunder through the heavens and are written down on stone tablets as law for all to follow.  Unbeknownst to most, though, you sit on your celestial throne with a troubled brow,  knowing that the heavens are not as eternal as mere mortals may think.  You are not idle in your pursuits, however. Should your Pantheon fall, you are taking steps to ensure your name lives on for all eternity.

Now you see what glory awaits those who are worthy. Go forth, write many a book, and be eaten by your fate

Aug 25, 2014

The Mourning Woods - the 2014 runner up for best horror!

The title says it all. The Mourning Woods (the Tome of Bill, part 3) took the Runner-Up spot for best independent horror novel in the 2014 eFestival of Words virtual book fair.

Woot!  Talk about awesome news. I am flattered, honored, and humbled all at once.  This is especially cool since, to be perfectly honest, I think The Mourning Woods plays more heavily to the humor aspect than to that of outright terror. Albeit being stuck out in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by enemies, is nobody's idea of a picnic.

All that being said, scary or not, I think it's a hell of an adventure through the desolate woods of northern Canada for vampire/geek Bill Ryder and his friends as they strive to avert a war 4000 years in the making.

It had laughs, action, thrills, and probably some of my favorite lines from the entire series to date. This being my own personal favorite:

"I’ve known Francois for a very long time and he has always been, as you so eloquently put it, a dick."

Care to know what it means in context?  Well I guess you'll have to read the book.  :)

Three words: Vampires versus Sasquatch.

Bill Ryder: undead geek, dateless dweeb, and legendary vampire is back in his wildest adventure yet.

A war is brewing between ancient enemies from the dawn of time. If it can't be stopped, the veil will be lifted and all of humanity's darkest nightmares will be unleashed to wreak havoc. Bill and his friends are the only chance we have...Lord help us all.

The vampire nation dispatches Bill to a faraway land to broker peace, but it's not going to be easy. His enemies want him dead. Hell, some of his allies do too. Danger lurks at every turn and in places where he least expects it.

Now he must rely on his friends, master his fledgling powers, and use every four-letter word in his arsenal to stop the war, uncover the conspiracy, and solve the mystery that lies at the heart of the Mourning Woods.


The Mourning Woods (the Tome of Bill, part 3) is 90,000 words of foul-mouthed horror hilarity by Rick Gualtieri, author of Bill the Vampire and Scary Dead Things.

Aug 2, 2014

And the number 1 Worlds of Bill Fanfic is....

The Worlds of Bill Fanfic Contest is over and you have chosen the winners!

The Runner up:

1st Prize Winner:

And finally the winner of the Grand Price:

Please join me in thanking the winners, and remember that, while it's too late to vote, if you haven't done so already it's definitely not too late to read them.

Oh and a reminder that you'll be seeing our grand prize winner again, once the story of our nerdy vampire Freewill has come to a close and the Tome of Bill Compendium: Volume 2 is released.

In the meantime, I'm hard at work on HALF A PRAYER (the Tome of Bill, part 6).  That being said,  I'll just shut up now and get back to writing it. ;)

Jul 19, 2014

Confessions of a Rich Douchebag

The past week has been an interesting one on the email front.  This isn't a bad thing. I love hearing from people - minus maybe scammers and bill collectors - but usually the most these various contacts have in common is "When is your next book coming out?" (which is a much more awesome question to hear than "When are you cutting off your fingers to spare us from another book?")

This week, though, I have gotten no less than three that started with some variation of "To whichever secretary or personal assistant gets this, please forward it on to Rick because..."  Add to that a fourth exchange in which someone mentioned that they were glad to hear I was a regular person and not some "rich douchebag" and I have to wonder if my email address has gotten mixed up with Donald Trump's again.

Each time it's been met with a bewildered "WTF?" from me, but then I realized this isn't all that different than similar such thoughts I've had in the past.  I've always been an avid reader, long before I ever dreamed of spewing forth my own words to paper.  Naturally, many of us are aware of the truly big sellers - the JK Rowlings, Stephen Kings, Tom Clancys, and James Pattersons of the world.  These are the folks that we turn on the TV and have a fair chance of seeing on a talk show, on the news, or a commercial. While we don't have access to their tax records, we can be fairly certain they're not exactly digging through the neighbor's trash for old cans of beans.

I likewise used to assume the same for many of the authors whose books I've picked up and read over the years. After all, if I found a book amongst the sea of others, that person must be pretty damn famous - sitting on a yacht drinking cognac from a crystal snifter while multitudes of hard-bodied models frolicked around them. Then, as I added more books to my resume, I began to become acquainted with some of these fine storytellers.  Don't get me wrong, some of them are doing pretty darn well indeed, but most are a long ways from snorting coke off a $10,000 hooker's ass. And that's where the fantasy begins to break down.

The thing is, just like any other profession, the big name superstars are few and far between. The vast majority are average Joes and Janes who are trying to make ends meat. The harsh reality is - and this goes double for anyone jumping into this fray looking for a quick score - it's very difficult to make a living as a writer. That illusion of authors taking Dom Perignon baths with supermodels is just that, an illusion (albeit a pretty damn cool one). As I said above, I can understand it too.  In the real world, though, many writers jump for joy if their work brings in enough to cover a trip to the grocer's each month.

Before you get the wrong idea, this isn't a sob story - no "poor me" here. I have been incredibly fortunate in my foray into this jungle.  My children may not be wearing $60,000 Air Jordans (and for that price you can be sure as hell those babies would be locked behind bulletproof glass), but they're not clad in potato sacks either. The awesome part is that many don't realize you don't need mega-millions for something to be life-changing. Going from, say, living paycheck to paycheck to being able to put even $50 in the bank at the end of each month makes a world of difference.

At the same time, while I am flattered that multiple (hopefully nubile) assistants are attributed to my operation, it's just me here - putting in a lot of hours at night so I can hopefully bring a smile to a few faces. I still hold a day job and this remains a part-time endeavor for me - albeit one that I am hopeful will some day be full time. In short, if you ever meet me on the street you can feel free to approach - sure in the knowledge that a legion of bodyguards isn't about to descend to beat you to a pulp.

Still, if the fantasy of me playing demolition derby with Bugati Veyrons while I burn $500 bills to keep my feet warm works for you, then by all means go for it.  I may not be a rich douchebag, but I certainly wouldn't mind being one some day...err sorta.

In the meantime, I shall continue to try my best to entertain. Now if you'll pardon me, I have some Grey Poupon to hand out at traffic lights...  

Jul 11, 2014

July 13th is national Geekiness Day! Everyone geek out!

The title says it all. I'm putting my gadget geek hat on along with SingleHop, an awesome one stop shop for anyone in need of internet services ranging from private clouds to managed hosting (learn more here). We want to remind everyone that July 13th is Geekiness Day - a chance for us all to embrace our inner geek and be proud of...

Wait a second.

Why would I pick one day to be proud of who I am?  That's ridiculous. Conversely for anyone trying to fit the lifestyle on that one day, I say wait for Halloween - that's the one day out of the year we can be somebody else. Me? I usually choose to be some kind of clawed monster, but I'm weird like that.

What I have never chosen to be is a geek. It is simple me. I am who I am and I just so happen to take joy in things that culture has deemed to have a bit of a dorky subtext to it.

So be it, I say!

My name is Rick Gualtieri and I like:
  • Playing Dungeons and Dragons
  • Watching cartoons
  • Collecting Transformers
  • Sporting a Decepticon symbol tattoo
  • Playing with medieval weapons that I have a better chance of killing myself with than mastering.
I'm proud to be able to:
  • Quote Conan The Barbarian nearly verbatim
  • Build my own PC from scratch
  • Debate whether Vegeta could beat the snot out of Superman
  • Know the dimensions, armament, and maximum warp speed of the various Enterprises
  • Look at a programming language I've never learned and instantly have a moderate clue as to what it does
None of this is bragging, nor a desperate cry to be pitied for that matter.  It's is simply what I enjoy - what makes me happy.  Why do I need a day to celebrate that?

Unless there are presents.

There are presents, right?

No? Well that sucks.

Then I say it again, why do I need to day to celebrate being me?

Once upon a time I thought the designation of geek was the social equivalent of the Black Death. These days, I'm a little older and a wee bit wiser - enough to know that the only real stigma to be had is in believing oneself to be inferior to another for any reason. Pride in oneself and confidence are what count. Those show through no matter who you are or what you enjoy doing.

On this day we're supposed to  raise our glasses of mead (or strawberry margaritas...hey, I gotta be me!) and toast to who we are, and why shouldn't we? But that doesn't mean we can't do the same tomorrow or every day thereafter.


Happy Geekiness Day 2014 everyone!

Interested in geeking out some more? Check out SingleHop's blog where their employees are celebrating their favorite geek out moments. I am especially fond of this post...Steampunk and PC building, is there any better match made in heaven?

Jul 5, 2014

Vote for the Winner of the Worlds of Bill Fanfic Contest

The Worlds of Bill Fanfic Contest is over!

It's now time to pick the winners.

Your finalists (please be sure to read them all).





Note: Please only one vote per person.


As a reminder:

1) Grand Prize winner will:
  • Win the awesome sum of $300 cash money!*
  • Have their winning entry published as a bonus story in the upcoming Tome of Bill Compendium (volume 2).
  • Receive a signed copy of the Goddamned Freaky Monsters paperback
1 First Prize winner will:
  • Win the slightly less awesome, but still pretty cool sum of $150
  • Receive a signed copy of the Goddamned Freaky Monsters paperback
1 Runner-up will:
  • Win a $50 Amazon Gift Certificate
All finalists will:
  • Be published on this blog for the world to see, enjoy, and cast baleful judgement upon.
*Note: might be a check

Dungeons and Dreadlocks: A Worlds of Bill Fanfic Contest Entry

I am pleased to present to you the final entry in the World's Of Bill Fanfic Contest.

Dungeons and Dreadlocks

By PandoraTHExplora

“So you’re in?”

Bill’s question hung in the air of the apartment around them.  Sally looked at the four men staring back at her, all of them with an expression of disbelief muddled with excitement.

“Yeah, sure,” Sally said, an eye-roll and a sigh later.  “I’m all in.”

Ed, Tom, Dave, and Bill looked at each other briefly and then scanned the room for cameras, as if they were on some kind of prank show.  To imagine that Sally could ever be cajoled into attending this kind of nerdy event was unheard of, let alone to volunteer? INSANE!

“What’s your deal, Sally?” Ed said, arms crossed and waiting for the real story to come out.  “We’re all going because there’s a sweet D&D tournament at this festival.  Why the hell are you all of a sudden interested in our nerd-dom?”

“I just am,” Sally responded curtly.  She slowly walked towards Ed with a look of heat and want in her eye, “and if you have a problem with that,” she bent down, pinching his cheek ever-so-subtly, “you just let me know, k?” She punctuated her statement with a playful double-tap of his cheek.  Ed couldn’t help but blush, clearly turned on by Sally’s vampiric-ly hypnotic way of making even the most demeaning things sexy.  Bill rolled his eyes, while Tom – donning a “Keep on Truckin” T-shirt, with Optimus Prime proudly on the front – slowly finished a seven-layer burrito.

“Well, then, I guess it’s settled,” Bill Ryder, legendary Freewill and fighter of all things evil, declared. “Team Freewill is going to Ren Fest.”


That following day, the Renaissance festival met Bill and his team with all things medieval and mystical – fairies, trolls, and knights gathered in a holy realm of fantasy and, much to the befuddlement of Bill, sunlight.

“Remind me again why we’re able to walk around right now in the daylight?” Bill asked.

Ed, sporting a pair of neon blue plastic sunglasses, which anachronously clashed with his grey wizard cloak and scepter, couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He shot a skeptical eye at his long-time best friend, Bill, who was draped in typical Ren Fest apparel, as well.  Bill had chosen to wear his traditional custom-made chainmail, with a black tank top undershirt and loose-fitting jeans.  He had owned the chain mail for several years, but because of the past trials with Alexander the Great, his chest, arms, and torso filled it out in a way that – unbeknownst to him - was becoming much more pleasing to those of the female persuasion at the festival.

Ed ignored an obvious wink from a beautiful-looking girl at his friend, stopped in his tracks and stared Bill straight in the eye.  “For the last time, Christy is able to cast a spell one day each year over a specific one-mile radius where all vampires and creatures of the night are able to walk in the daylight safely…obviously.”

He pointed up to the sky with exasperation, where a shimmer of a veil gave only a slight hint of its existence to those who really looked for it.  “Bill, her spell is protecting you and Sally right now so that you can walk around until the D & D tournament.  We’ve talked about this multiple times.”

Bill thought to himself that this sounded vaguely familiar – what was it?  Oh yeah! BAD TV SHOWS! For the second time in the past few months alone, his real life paralleled bad TV show plot lines.  In this case, TV was always throwing in explainers to allow characters to do something traditionally out of character for the sole reason of forwarding the plot.

“Riiiight,” Bill said.  He quickly dismissed the brief moment of clarity, and went on to discuss the pertinent matter at hand.  “So, when does the D&D tournament start again?”

“Not till eight,” Dave interjected, a half-eaten turkey leg in his hand. “We should kill some time until then.”

“Agreed,” Ed said.  He lowered his blue sunglasses in the direction of a solitary tent, which seemed to stand apart from the rest of the knick-knack booths and vendors of the typical Ren Fest crowd. “And I know exactly where to kill it.”


Bill’s eyes locked onto what Ed was seeing.  The tent itself seemed rather plain – a wooden pergola of sorts, draped in cheap-looking pink and purple fabric, but the woman it contained was the spotlight.  She was calm in her demeanor - long black hair, pale skin, and a trace of Asian decent with a far-away look within her eyes.  A chalkboard hung above the entrance to her tent, with the words haphazardly sketched into it, Julie the Jewel-Maven, Palm Reader and Life-Seer. Enter if you dar.

“Dar?” Bill said, eye-brow upturned.  “I think Julie should dare to run a spell check.” He raised his hand as if to high five his friends around him, but soon realized that Tom, Christy, and Dave, were running off to test their skills at the knife throw.  Sadly, his high-five was left-hanging.  Sally, in the meantime, also appeared distracted, her short, blond frame stood on tip-toe as if constantly scanning the crowd for something important.

“And then there were three,” Bill muttered under his breath.

“Make that two,” Ed corrected, noticing that Sally had become mesmerized by a glass-blowing demonstration.

“Alright, well,” Bill stated, “Well, Julie the Jewel-Maven looks fuckin’ hot….Let’s do this.”

Ed puffed his chest out, raised his head high, and placed a strong hand on Bill’s shoulder.  With a dramatic show of theatrics, he brushed his wizard’s cloak aside, brought his scepter in front of him, and said in a booming voice, “When it comes to hot psychic chicks, WE SHALL TOTALLY PASS!!!”


The tent’s curtains opened, seemingly on their own, to welcome Ed and Bill.  The confusing smell of incense and barbecue wafted in the air.  The usual sounds of the festival – laughter, heralds, knights jousting, and the like – were muffled by the enclosed intimate space of the psychic’s lair.

Ed took the lead.

“I heard you read palms?” he said, a half-smile cocked at the ready.

Julie the psychic recognized his question with a slight-movement of her head.  Her eyes closed, she said in a deep voice, “Enter, sir.  You are welcome in my home.” Her voice had an air of deep, ancient gravitas, the kind you only hear in high-budget movies.  She breathed in heavily through her nose, exhaling through her mouth, hands opening and closing with each breath, as if taking in the universe with each second.

Bill noticed that each breath in and out also punctuated her chest quite beautifully as she did so.  Bigger, smaller.  Bigger, smaller.

Nice, he thought.

“Should we begin?’ Julie said, locking eyes in Bill’s direction.

Bill’s undead heart skipped a beat.  The sudden confrontation, as slight as it was, wasn’t something he was ready for, and something deep inside him felt an odd need to retaliate. Something dark, something hidden, that didn’t want to be discovered.

“I’d like to get my palm read,” Ed interrupted the silent confrontation.  He sensed it from the start.

Julie’s eyes remained fixated on Bill for a moment. She broke loose after what felt like an eternity.  “That is fine. Come.” She motioned to the chair next to her.  “Sit.”

Ed quickly took a seat next to the psychic, eager to touch hands with someone that wouldn’t feast on his blood the second he looked away.  Something inside of him was excited about the chance to do something cheesy, ordinary, and as corny as a palm-reading at a renaissance festival.

Bill’s eyes never left Julie’s hands.  He felt something was wrong.  He knew it inside, but he couldn’t pinpoint it.

Julie pulled Ed’s hand into hers.   “Give me this,” she stated solemnly, squeezing even tighter and pulling hands dangerously close to her chest.

Ed blushed.

She took a deep breath.  She traced lines in his palm, nodding her head back and forth.  Each movement, Bill noticed, was accented by a look up to Ed….then to him.  A look to Ed.

Then a glance to Bill.

The back and forth between her eyes to Ed and to Bill was odd.  At last, Ed said, “What the hell is going on?  Are you reading me or him?” He jutted a finger out to Bill, who sat with a shrug and honest-to-goodness look of I have no fucking clue on his face.

Julie then dropped Ed’s hand in a sudden movement.  As if guided by some other force, Julie turned to Bill and gripped his hand in her palm.  She stared straight into his eyes.  Bill realized, for the first time, her eyes were strange – one eye blue and one eye green.

“What the hell is up with your eyes- “ Bill began.

“You are the one….this can’t be right,” Julie interrupted.  Her left hand began clutching his forearm tightly, the right hand prying his fingers open to reveal the vision.  Her pulse raced, and she was afraid.  “The thing inside you…I can’t…don’t let it come out.”

She was more than afraid, Bill realized.  By the sound of her heartbeat, the look of perspiration on her forehead, and the sound of her breathing, she was terrified.

Bill’s instincts to the confined space and aggression started to kick in.  He felt the black seep into his eyes.  The fangs grew, quietly and softly in response to the need to attack what was now an easy target – a prey.  However, the human side of him fought the urges back.  Some still human part of Bill told him to breathe.

To calm down.

That this was wrong.

Through his will, Bill suppressed the instinct to fight and he felt his body return to normal.

Julie stood up.  She pointed a finger in Bill’s direction.  Suddenly, her entire demeanor changed.  From terrified, she turned into a woman of anger and importance.  She screamed, “A dark one is coming for you!” and pointed a finger at Bill.  A wave of wind surrounded her body, lifting the hair and fabric around her.  “He seeks your blood.  Beware, Freewill, BEWARE!”

Bill looked to Ed for answers and this sudden climactic turn of events, while his friend simply sat there, eyes wide and jaw open.

A few seconds of awkward silence passed until a sarcastic voice interrupted the pivotal session.

“A psychic, really?”

The two men looked to the tent’s entrance, where a now beautifully coiffed Sally stood, eyes rolling and hand clutching a roasted turkey leg.

“Holy shit, what happened to your hair?” Bill blurted.

Sally’s hair, usually as stylish and golden as the next bombshell’s, now glistened in the sun and moved in exaggerated waves, as if she had just stepped out of a Pantene commercial.

“How did your hair get so shiny?” Bill continued.

“I KNEW IT!” Ed shouted, now out of Julie’s mesmerizing proclamation.  “You only came with us to Ren Fest because you were looking for that ‘magic’ hair elixir you kept telling me about.”  He said the word magic in finger air quotes.

Sally winked at Ed.  She had forgotten that she had told him about that little piece of vanity.

“Just call me L’Oreal, baby,” Sally cooed, tossing her newly rejuvenated locks into the wind.  “’Cause you know I’m worth it------oh, Shiiit”

Before anyone in the tent could blink, Sally had crouched into a predatory stance and leaped five feet into the air.  While she would appear at lightning speed to the human eye, Bill’s vampire eyes followed her movements as if they were in slow-motion.

Sally soared in the air, fangs lengthening as her eyes dilated.  Her right hand reached back behind her in a tight fist position, while the left extended in a position of defense.  One left leg jut out and cut one of Julie’s four chair legs, and while the psychic sank, another leg came up on her back, holding Julie in place against the table’s edge.  Sally’s right hand expertly came down in one swift motion to pin Julie’s head against the table, right-cheek smashed into the cheap, plastic cloth, allowing only an inch of mouth available for the psychic to utter a single word.

“DaFuckIsWrongWithYou?” Julie squeezed out.

Before the psychic could sputter out anything else, Sally reached down into Julie’s forehead and clenched a tight fist around her skin.  Her fingernails clawed deep into Julie’s flesh, digging for something right above the psychic’s eyes.

“Sally, I agree…what the hell are you doing?!” Bill said, mesmerized by the situation and torn by the need to either tear his friend of this stranger or watch in horror.

Without responding, Sally gave a facial expression of I got this in Bill and Ed’s direction, and flung the remnants of tattered, leathery skin on the table in front of them.

“Look for yourself,” she said, heaving Julie’s head up, and showcasing the most disturbing thing they’d seen in a long time.

Where Sally had savagely removed Julie’s forehead skin, in its place was revealed a glowing sphere, slightly smaller than a baseball, lodged directly within her skull.

“She’s called an Orisy,” Sally stated, matter-of-factly.  “They’re pretty much the lowest of the low on the totem pole of this world’s seers,” she continued.

Bill stood slowly, his body alert at the idea of another group of seers entering his realm.  After the last batch of eye-burning self-mutilators, he wasn’t sure he was ready for another round of future-seeing crazies.

“And you know how you can tell who one of these nasty creatures is?” Julie strained to lift her head and eyes up to see Sally. “By the giant freakin’ crystal ball in their head,” she continued, disgusted, slamming Julie’s frame back into the tabletop.

“We don’t have time for this,” Julie spat. “The dark one…he comes for your blood.”

She shot a now bloodied eye in Bill’s direction.  “He is close, Freewill.”

Sally pushed her knee deeper into Julie’s spine, exuding a hiss.

“He is right outside.  Exit if you dare.”

Suddenly, Ren Fest’s only soundtrack was a shrill scream.


Bill, Sally, and Ed escaped the pink pergola’s hypnotic embrace and raced into the daylight.  What they witnessed was pure chaos.  Men and women abandoned their medieval props, toppling tents, and racing towards the exits.  Children were swept up into the arms of those who knew better than to ogle at the fires before them.  Once care-free, skipping minstrels now dropped their instruments and pummeled fairies in the search of refuge.

Other Renfest attendees, though few, watched in confused ignorance, believing this all still to be part of the show.

The smell of sulphur wafted thick in the air.  Women cried.  A distant ambulance rung out its siren song.

“Come closer, Freewill,” a voice waded through the abyss.  It was a man, calm and steady.

“I know you are near.”


Bill stepped out from the smoke, a wave of human bedlam around him.  With all the madness he and his friends had been through – witches, ancient vampires, and not to mention let alone ONE but MULTIPLE bigfeet -  one evil-sounding Ren Fest nerd would be easy enough to handle.

Or so he thought.

“I’m right here, douche-nozzle,” Bill shouted.  “Who wants some?”

The voice laughed, and brought with it a shadow of a man.  “I am he,” the figure roared, his hands lifting slowly up to reveal his presence.  “The name is Wizard Delonius Marcooth, but you,” he breathed in, “may call me Dreadlocks.”

All of a sudden, the figure was surrounded by a halo of fire.  The red and yellow lights illustrated a black cloak, tied at the center with what looked like flexible human bone. The hood hung low against his back.  The shadows of flame revealed a sinister smile, razor sharp teeth, and ice-blue eyes.  His hair, surprisingly enough, lay thick and long in the style of dreadlocks.

“Seriously?” Ed whispered.  “The guy calls himself Dreadlocks and he freakin’ HAS dreadlocks?”

“SILENCE!” the voice boomed.

The wizard sunk his right foot back into the ground in a defensive posture, his hands closing in as if to capture the essence of the air around him, and he muttered an incantation under his breath.

“If I had to guess,” Dave said, stumbling into the fray, “that’s a standard Ryu Hadoken pose if I’ve ever seen one.”

Bill, Ed, and Sally looked with the same surprised expression at their friend’s sudden arrival within the middle of the climactic scene.  Christy and Tom were not far behind him to back up their team.

“We heard someone was calling out the Freewill?” Christy said, putting her two fists up in a boxing style ready stance.

Tom clutched his shirt with an image of Optimus Prime and looked solemnly in the group’s direction, “Transform and roll out?”

Bill looked at the rag-tag team of heroes surrounding him.  Then, he took in the sounds and sights of everything else – fire, chaos, and an evil wizard trying to demolish a piece of this world, his world.  He closed his eyes.  Taking in a final breath, he raised his head to the sky, exhaling a slow, controlled sigh into the darkening setting around him, and he said without a single question in his voice….

“Who wants some.”


The wizard Dreadlocks’s eyes glowed white with power.  He held his hands in front of him, and they trembled as they contained the power of the elements around him.

“Well, I think he’s about to shoot a fireball blast at us,” Dave said.

Without thinking, Christy stepped forward from the group of five and brought two hands – palm out – in front of her.  A thin, blue shield of light suddenly arose from the ground in a semisphere around them.

“I got this,” she said, awaiting the inevitable fireball.

Dreadlocks pushed his arms forward, and the earth shook around his feet.  The rocks and dirt shivered, and the swords, jewelry, and crafts from now empty vendor renaissance booths clanged together in a nervous cacophony.  Deep cracks suddenly formed in the dirt around Bill’s team, and a few of the members had to jump to escape falling into the crevices that formed.  Where the earth fractured, a small hiss seeped into the air.  First beginning as a sigh, it grew into a growl, a moan, and then – without warning – the sounds of a thousand screams bellowed into the night sky.

“Well, damn,” Sally called.

The noise escalated – the screams near deafening. 

“What is this?” Bill shouted, covering his ears.

“Fucking zombies,” Sally replied, and she marched towards an opening crater.  Crouching down and plunging a hand into the gap, she tightened her grip on an unseen monster and let out an exasperated yell to whoever would listen, “First, Orisies, and now this?!”  She brought an undead corpse to her eye-level, allowing Bill and the others to see the first of what they were dealing with.

The creature looked human but with muscles and ligaments much larger than average, and they were exposed to the naked eye.  Each sinew and cartilage stretched, exposed to the air around it.  Its fingers had grown at least five inches in length and each was tipped with a rancid-looking claw.  Its rib cage jutted from its lean torso, and instead of eyes, skull sockets glowed green with a fire that only ancient magic could conjure.  This particular zombie chopped at the air around it, trying in vain to get a taste of Sally’s torso.  Fortunately, Sally still had a solid amount of vampire strength to keep the zombie from getting its wish.

Dreadlocks, as they all soon realized, hadn’t blasted a fireball, after all.  Instead, he had sent a spell into the ground to grow zombie minions who, apparently, were intent on eating their flesh.

Because….why the fuck not.


Christy’s shield held strong, keeping at bay a dozen or more flesh-challenged creatures from entering the team’s area.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t formatted to hold back zombies that arose within its perimeters.

“Bill, we got a problem here,” Christy said, her palms still up while sweat formed on her brow.

“I’m on it!” Tom barked, seeing that two zombies were approaching dangerously fast to his girlfriend.  Grabbing an authentic Scottish Cutlass sword from an abandoned vendor booth, Tom grounded himself between Christy and the approaching monsters and resumed a warrior’s stance.  Gripping the sword with two hands, low and controlled, he kept his left foot back and planted, ready for a spring attack from either side. Fortunately, each creature adopted the 1950’s style of zombie fighting, in that what they lacked in speed, they made up for in persistence. As such, he began by spearing the first monster in its heart, bringing the sword down through its torso, and then finishing it off with a gentle slice of its scalp. The second zombie, in typical uncaring fashion, continued its course to attempt to eat his flesh and was met with a kick to its face and impalement by the Cutlass.

“These things aren’t so damn tough,” Tom said to Christy, who didn’t hear him from the concentration she continued to put into her spell.

Bill noticed that Ed and Dave had also picked out their chosen medieval tools for battle.  Ed was busy holding back a zombie with mace, bludgeoning their heads in with its spiked edges, while Dave had discovered the power of a battle axe.  Sally also seemed to have herself neck deep in the majority of the zombies, as they somehow sensed she was one of the few to pose actual danger upon their master.

Dreadlocks brought his hands up to the sky, readying himself for another spell.  If the first spell was about setting up zombie defense, Bill was sure that the second spell was all about offense.

He wasn’t about to let that happen.  It was time for him to take Dreadlocks down.

“Christy!” Bill yelled. “If you see Dreadlocks over there shooting any actual fireballs at me, you could do me a big favor by…you know…stopping them from burning me to death!”

Christy nodded without looking at Bill, the power of the spell too much for her to manage even looking anywhere else at this point.  But, that was all he needed.

As Bill ran towards Dreadlocks, he felt his own instincts take over.  The world, with his heart, slowed.  Suddenly, the images around him were becoming very crisp.  He could sense how Christy’s muscles tensed with the pressure and exertion she put into the shielding spell.  Her breaths became quick and she exhaled small cries with each one.  He smelled faintly how Ed’s leg now boasted three gashes, a trail of blood grew from him knee to his ankle.  Sally, in all her beautifully coiffed glory, was leaping in a perfectly executed cartwheel above a zombie and snapping its neck mid-air and searching for a landing spot where she could do the same thing to the surrounding monsters around her twice-over.  Somewhere, a few miles away, a newborn vampire was enjoying his first meal on a human – its flesh soft, ready, and willing to be taken.

It was so easy to just take what he wanted.

Bill’s eyes dilated and his fangs came first.

But Dreadlocks was too fast for him.  Plunging his hand quickly into the dirt, the wizard murmured an incantation and carved a symbol into the ground.  He sealed it quickly with a slap of his palm, and brought a hand full of dust into the air.  He opened it, blew into his hand and said, “Minuere.” The dust swirled around Bill’s head, and he was suddenly filled with the sensation of a hundred pound weight on his shoulders.

“A weakening spell,” Christy moaned, more to herself than anyone around her.  “How can he---Too strong---“

Bill fell to the floor.  His muscles giving way to the spell around him.  Dreadlocks walked calmly towards the falling vampire.  From his pocket, he drew a small syringe, and whispered a spell over it.  To Bill’s horror, the syringe grew in Dreadlocks’ withered old hands into something grotesque and living.  The plastic syringe grew to have veins, and the needle snaked in and out into the air. Part machine and part organic, the syringe became a being in itself, writhing and living in the wizard’s arms, like another minion and much like a pet that wanted to be satisfied.

While Dreadlocks walked, distracted, Sally saw this as her opening and, in less than a heartbeat, she raced towards him – fangs at the ready.  However, Dreadlocks smelled the unknown vampire blood and shot a spell – blue, burning, and bright - in her direction.  Bill watched in disgust as Sally, the warrior, got thrown into a tree 30 feet beside him.  The wood splintered, but Sally’s body could take the beating.  Ed fought off one of the last zombies around him and ran to Sally’s aid.

“She’ll be fine, Bill,” Ed said, in a whisper, knowing he would hear.  “Just get this bastard.”

Bill was down on one knee.  He clutched at his heart, as the spell that Dreadlocks had put on him not only weighed on his surrounding body, but also on his internal organs, as well.  He watched as his best friends fell before him – a zombie crushed Tom’s hand here, another bit Dave’s leg there.  It was all too fast.  All too easy.  Had this all been what they had fought for?  To die at the hands of a wizard and some low-level zombies?  Had they gone through all this shit just to die?  Is this how the world ends?  Was this how he would let his friends down?

That’s when Bill felt it.  The darkness.  It came quietly.  Gradually.  Something in the pit of his stomach that clawed from the depths, a desire to escape.  He felt his hands grow and clutch the ground.

The syringe’s needle poked at his skin and, from a distance, a scream pierced the air.

“Eat this, Dread-SUCK!”

Out of nowhere, a spinning blue crystal ball came flying through the air and crashed into the mutated syringe.  Dreadlocks wrenched back in horror as his creation jerked in his hands, becoming slowly engulfed by a wave of energy and light.  The needle shattered into glass pieces on the ground, and the rest of the machine disintegrated as the orb’s power ate into its very being as the wizard held it until it was only emptiness.

Dreadlocks stood in horror.  His face white, matched the bones around his cloak.  He staggered back, his hands drawing up to his face in a way that seemed to question his own purpose.  How could this be?  Could he be defeated?  Dreadlocks felt the tendrils of borrowed magic seep from his body, dissipating back into the world around him.  He grasped at the air, hungrily, attempting to steal it back to carve the magic into his own dark desires.  Unfortunately, the world had had enough of his games for the night.

And so had Bill.

Bill stood up, restored by the spell’s unraveling.

His friends watched – shared fascination and horror at what was to come.

Bill felt the injuries healing themselves in his body.  His muscles tightening, cuts closing.  Fangs sharpening.  Claws lengthening.  Something dark was rising.

This bastard was going down..
“The Tome of Bill is copyright Rick Gualtieri. This story is licensed under the Creative Commons as derivative, noncommercial fiction.”

This one snuck in just at the deadline.  Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to post it until now.

Nice to see the core cast in action in an interesting little tale. I think the ending is to leave things to our imagination, but I have a feeling Bill and his friends pulled through just fine. Thank you, PandoraTHExplora.

And that is it. The contest is over. Voting will commence shortly.  A big thanks to all the entrants.