Sep 30, 2014
The Best Vampires are Free Vampires
But he is FREE!
Bill Ryder was a dateless dweeb...then he died. Unfortunately for him that was just the beginning of his troubles. He awoke to find himself a vampire, one of the legendary predators of the night. Unfortunately for him, he was still at the bottom of the food chain.
Now he finds himself surrounded by creatures stronger, deadlier and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst yet, they all want him dead...permanently this time.
Bill isn't exactly average, though. A vampire like him hasn't been seen in centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies, and an attitude problem that makes him too damn obnoxious to quit.
Join him in this hilarious tale of monsters, mayhem, and the unlikely hero who's not afraid to tell them all off...even if it gets his teeth kicked in.
Excerpt from BILL THE VAMPIRE (The Tome of Bill, part 1):
Sally and I left James sitting there, drinking espresso - damn that was going to be one wired vamp - and walked back to the village. As we got to within a few blocks of the loft in which I’d been turned, she informed me that we were about to enter their (our) territory, and that there would, no doubt, be eyeballs watching us.
“Stop slouching. Walk straight with your head up and facing ahead. You need to look like you own the place,” she said.
“I don't slouch.”
“You look like you're studying the sidewalk. You might as well have a sign that reads ‘Professional Victim’ hanging around your neck. Walk like I do.”
“Like my ass is available to the lowest bidder?”
“I'm surprised you haven't made me an offer yet. You look like somebody who needs to pay for it.”
“Thanks. Maybe I should just pledge my undying loyalty to Jeff.” I adopted a mock-sniveling tone. “Oh, and, by the way, master, Sally's trying to fuck you over behind your back.”
“Touché. But it still doesn't change the fact that you need to exude a little bit of this thing we call ‘confidence’.”
She was an arrogant bitch, but she was an arrogant bitch with a good point. I stood straighter and tried to put a bit of a swagger in my step.
“Tone it down a little, Superfly,” she said out of the corner of her mouth.
“What? You said to walk with confidence.”
“Yeah, but that doesn't mean you have to shuffle like some seventies pimp.”
I tried what she suggested until she finally agreed that it was acceptable.
“Oh, there's one other little detail,” she said, stopping. “Just to give things an air of authenticity.”
I was about to ask her what, when she suddenly flung herself into a pile of trash on the sidewalk. Before I could even speak a word, she was back on her feet and launching herself face-first into the side of the nearest building.
“What the fuck?”
When she was finished with her insane self-inflicted assault, she stood before me - covered in grime, small cuts, and with several bruises on her face.
“Ta da!” she said with a smile. “Now it looks like I successfully tracked down the ferocious Freewill.”
Holy shit, this chick was psycho. What the hell had she and Ozymandias dragged me into?
Been waiting for an excuse to jump into this hard hitting, loudly swearing Urban Fantasy series?
Well wait no more!
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