Ever since taking up the pen (so to speak) and diving into the writing world myself, my time for reading has been greatly lessened. It’s a shame, but sadly there are only so many hours in the day. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t still love to read, quite the contrary. Thus, outside of the occasional book I might sneak in here or there, I make it a point to read at least two books whenever I finish a project. This serves as reward for completing a new book, a respite until my next project starts, and of course a chance to enjoy another author’s works. As I have just recently finished my latest novel, Bigfoot Hunters, it was time to sit back, relax, and let someone else take me away for a while.
Sadly, the two books I picked for my break this time were both excellent. Why is this sad? Because it means I dove right in and finished them both far faster than I had intended. Oh well! If that’s my biggest complaint, I guess things can’t be all that bad.
Here is my review of both books.
The Golden Sky by EC Stilson
The Golden Sky is surprisingly good. Now, before you get in a huff at my usage of the word, it’s not because I had low expectations for it. I mean it in the context of myself being a person who almost never reads non-fiction. Seriously! Never touch the stuff. Why? It’s simple. I usually find it boring, at least compared to the usual fare I read (i.e. vampiric alien ninjas). That being said, I see now that it’s all in the storyteller. Some people could make an account of James Bond-esque proportions seem as dry as toast. Others could talk about their trip to the local convenience store and have it come across as an epic for the ages. I am happy to say EC Stilson is in this latter category.
Why did I choose to read The Golden Sky? I’ve been reading the author’s blog at ecwrites.com for a while now. She has a fabulous way with words and updates her site with a frequency that makes me look like a pathetic slacker. If you haven’t checked her out yet, I highly suggest you do so (Just please don’t forget about poor little old me :). My choice to read The Golden Sky was simple. If she could breathe so much life and passion into 800 word blog posts day after day, then I had to wonder what she could do with a full length book. Needless to say, I was not disappointed.
Now herein lies the conundrum for me. As a fiction reader, how do I critique a book such as this? Unlike the usual plots I read, can I actually criticize someone’s life and the choices they made? Of course not! Let’s not be silly. However, as I said before, it’s all in the telling.
Stilson’s book is a memoir of her late son, Zeke, the events surrounding his life, and the lasting impact he had upon her family. It’s told in a voice that draws you in and makes you experience (as much as a third party can) every low and every high she and her family experienced along the way.
The best word I can use to describe Stilson’s writing is empathic. Her writing conveys joy and anguish in a way that few people can do with their voice let alone with pen and paper. I dare say, if you can read this book without feeling anything, then I suggest your time would be better spent searching for Sarah Connor.
“That’s it?” you’re probably asking. “Two measly paragraphs of review!?” Why yes, because there isn’t anything else left to be said. This book was incredible. What more do you need to know?
The Golden Sky is an excellent read! Only 5 stars because I can’t give it any more.
Click Here to Buy THE GOLDEN SKY (and read my review) on Amazon
Broods of Fenrir by Coral Moore
If I had to sum up Broods of Fenrir in one sentence it would be: Forever Knight with werewolves. Forever Knight was a TV show a while back about a powerful vampire who chose to live amongst humans, but kept getting dragged back into the messes his “family” caused. It was never very popular, but it had a cult following. Personally, I loved the show. Thus, it was inevitable that I really enjoy Broods of Fenrir as well.
Broods of Fenrir is the tale of Brand, the would-be king of the werewolves, who has forsaken his crown to live a simpler life. Why would he do so? Because the people he would rule are little more than animals. Imagine the worst traits of mankind mixed with the pack mentality of canines. Not a pretty picture is it? Nor does Moore paint it as such. It’s a brutal society where life is cheap and weakness is answered with suffering. Not even Brand himself is immune to these instinctual callings and, sadly for him, his family isn’t quite ready to let him go.
Broods of Fenrir is a fast paced horror-thriller with strong characters and lots of werewolf on werewolf violence to keep the story moving along. I greatly enjoyed it from start to finish.
I do have a few critiques of this story, minor though they are. There are a few points in the tale where characters are introduced rapid fire, leading to a feeling of “Huh? Who’s that and where did they come from?” My second critique is that this story is fairly short. The werewolves in this tale are immortal (or practically immortal) and there’s a lot of history hinted at in the book. As a fan of the original Highlander, let me just say I love flashbacks. I would have liked to have seen a few more glimpses into their back story. On the other hand, the author definitely leaves herself with plenty of material for future books if such is her plan.
As a minor side note, I will just say that Broods of Fenrir is beautifully edited. Over the past couple of years, I’ve come to expect books (even professionally published) to have a few typos or formatting errors here and there. I don’t think I spotted a single thing in this book. This doesn’t’ have anything to do with the story, but kudos to the author and her team (she lists her contributors in the back of the book...and I dare say it’s tempting to hire her editor) for putting that little bit of extra polish into this.
5 Stars! All the werewolf angst you could possibly crave, wrapped in a grim, gritty adult setting.
Click Here to Buy BROODS OF FENRIR (and read my review) on Amazon
Jan 30, 2012
Jan 27, 2012
Guest Post: Thea Isis Gregory
Humor and the Zombie Bedtime Stories
Today is a momentous occasion! No, not just because I’m actually posting something. Don’t be snotty! Today I have my very first ever guest post on The Poptart Manifesto (insert polite golf clap). Since starting down my own writing journey, I’ve been fortunate to rub elbows with a lot of great writers, both traditional and self-published. Some of them are awesome people as well as tremendous scribes. Thea Isis Gregory is one of those latter. She is the author of the Zombie Bedtime Stories series of horror stories, a grossly fun series about...say it with me...zombies!
Thea has just recently released the latest in her series, Deadlocked. It joins her previous titles: Locked in, and Locked Out. She has also been kind enough to offer one of her shorts, Zombie Pride, as a bonus chapter for my upcoming book, Bigfoot Hunters.
Being that humor is something I have a heavy interest in, both as a reader and writer, I asked Thea if she wouldn’t mind sharing her thoughts on this with regards to her stories. After all, one often needs a good laugh during intense horror. It breaks up the tension a bit, offers us a good chuckle, and gives an alternative to curling up in a corner and crying before the monsters can get to us. Thus without further prattle, here are Thea’s thoughts on this:
Back when Locked In was undergoing its initial beta-reads, I received some completely unexpected feedback. The horrifying story I’d written about a girl trapped inside her own zombified body was not only gruesome as intended, but hilarious. Despite my efforts to be completely serious, it seemed that my audience disagreed, one even going as far as to compare my story to Zombieland. I was quite taken aback—who would have thought that such a gory little story would be funny?
In a way, I found this to be completely shocking. People who share my twisted sense of humor do find me funny, but I’m not the kind of person who naturally gravitates towards comedy. I don’t like most comedians, and I find sitcoms to be the very definition of tedious. Strangely enough, I found Star Trek: Deep Space Nine to be hilarious.
After the realization that Locked In was funny, I became determined to capitalize on my own unwitting hilarity. Based on feedback, it seemed that extreme and unconventional amputations and bodily functions was the way to go. For instance, having Haley vomit parts of her dead boyfriend all over herself was the funniest thing ever. I was going for gross-out factor level infinity, but making people laugh is probably better in the long run.
Topping that in my later stories, Locked Out and Deadlocked, took some extra planning. I didn’t have the benefit of an undead protagonist, but I did have access to a great deal of fodder—characters. The undead protagonist can be funny by virtue of being disgusting, and the fodder is funny because it dies in disgusting ways. It’s a tricky duality to work with, one is just doing what comes naturally, and the other is actively killing fictional people.
It’s important to remember that the gore must serve the story, not the other way around. While clown zombies may be hilarious, if your setting is a research lab or a normal city, it’s best to stick with the kind of zombies you’d expect for that environment. Additionally, don’t make the characters suicidal-stupid just for that one kill scene you have your heart set on—the annoyance at the character will leech most of the amusement out of the scene. So, for Locked Out and Deadlocked, I used human dynamics to get people killed in ways that could be characterized as comical. The most notable example would be the infamous “club him and run for it!” in Deadlocked. I found Deadlocked to be intrinsically funny—it’s a normal guy trying to do the right thing, in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. Of course, it all goes horribly wrong and blows up in his face.
In short, I had to learn to be funny, whether through extreme zombie attacks or the facts of zombie biology. Through a lot of trial and error, I’ve come up with a system that works. Keep the story and characters coherent, no clowns and add a little touch of self-deprecating despair to the protagonist.
I think I speak for a lot of readers out there when I express my appreciation for that no clowns rule! Sorry, but the damn things just aren’t funny. As for the rest, I think it’s spot on. There is literally no place, a zombie apocalypse included, where a little levity cannot be found...even if it is a scenario where it’s a choice between laughing or screaming until your lungs burst.
If you haven’t checked out Thea’s works yet, I highly recommend you do so. They’re some of the best fun that you can have as you watch the world around you go to hell and they’re all under a buck each. When has Armageddon ever been so affordable?
You can find Thea’s works on Amazon and you can find Thea herself on twitter at @Theaisis. Have fun and remember to stock up on your shotgun shells...you’re gonna need them!
Today is a momentous occasion! No, not just because I’m actually posting something. Don’t be snotty! Today I have my very first ever guest post on The Poptart Manifesto (insert polite golf clap). Since starting down my own writing journey, I’ve been fortunate to rub elbows with a lot of great writers, both traditional and self-published. Some of them are awesome people as well as tremendous scribes. Thea Isis Gregory is one of those latter. She is the author of the Zombie Bedtime Stories series of horror stories, a grossly fun series about...say it with me...zombies!
Thea has just recently released the latest in her series, Deadlocked. It joins her previous titles: Locked in, and Locked Out. She has also been kind enough to offer one of her shorts, Zombie Pride, as a bonus chapter for my upcoming book, Bigfoot Hunters.
Being that humor is something I have a heavy interest in, both as a reader and writer, I asked Thea if she wouldn’t mind sharing her thoughts on this with regards to her stories. After all, one often needs a good laugh during intense horror. It breaks up the tension a bit, offers us a good chuckle, and gives an alternative to curling up in a corner and crying before the monsters can get to us. Thus without further prattle, here are Thea’s thoughts on this:
Back when Locked In was undergoing its initial beta-reads, I received some completely unexpected feedback. The horrifying story I’d written about a girl trapped inside her own zombified body was not only gruesome as intended, but hilarious. Despite my efforts to be completely serious, it seemed that my audience disagreed, one even going as far as to compare my story to Zombieland. I was quite taken aback—who would have thought that such a gory little story would be funny?
In a way, I found this to be completely shocking. People who share my twisted sense of humor do find me funny, but I’m not the kind of person who naturally gravitates towards comedy. I don’t like most comedians, and I find sitcoms to be the very definition of tedious. Strangely enough, I found Star Trek: Deep Space Nine to be hilarious.
After the realization that Locked In was funny, I became determined to capitalize on my own unwitting hilarity. Based on feedback, it seemed that extreme and unconventional amputations and bodily functions was the way to go. For instance, having Haley vomit parts of her dead boyfriend all over herself was the funniest thing ever. I was going for gross-out factor level infinity, but making people laugh is probably better in the long run.
Topping that in my later stories, Locked Out and Deadlocked, took some extra planning. I didn’t have the benefit of an undead protagonist, but I did have access to a great deal of fodder—characters. The undead protagonist can be funny by virtue of being disgusting, and the fodder is funny because it dies in disgusting ways. It’s a tricky duality to work with, one is just doing what comes naturally, and the other is actively killing fictional people.
It’s important to remember that the gore must serve the story, not the other way around. While clown zombies may be hilarious, if your setting is a research lab or a normal city, it’s best to stick with the kind of zombies you’d expect for that environment. Additionally, don’t make the characters suicidal-stupid just for that one kill scene you have your heart set on—the annoyance at the character will leech most of the amusement out of the scene. So, for Locked Out and Deadlocked, I used human dynamics to get people killed in ways that could be characterized as comical. The most notable example would be the infamous “club him and run for it!” in Deadlocked. I found Deadlocked to be intrinsically funny—it’s a normal guy trying to do the right thing, in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. Of course, it all goes horribly wrong and blows up in his face.
In short, I had to learn to be funny, whether through extreme zombie attacks or the facts of zombie biology. Through a lot of trial and error, I’ve come up with a system that works. Keep the story and characters coherent, no clowns and add a little touch of self-deprecating despair to the protagonist.
I think I speak for a lot of readers out there when I express my appreciation for that no clowns rule! Sorry, but the damn things just aren’t funny. As for the rest, I think it’s spot on. There is literally no place, a zombie apocalypse included, where a little levity cannot be found...even if it is a scenario where it’s a choice between laughing or screaming until your lungs burst.
If you haven’t checked out Thea’s works yet, I highly recommend you do so. They’re some of the best fun that you can have as you watch the world around you go to hell and they’re all under a buck each. When has Armageddon ever been so affordable?
You can find Thea’s works on Amazon and you can find Thea herself on twitter at @Theaisis. Have fun and remember to stock up on your shotgun shells...you’re gonna need them!
Jan 23, 2012
Oracle by J.C. Martin: Cover and Mystery Tour
ORACLE by J.C. Martin
As the countdown begins, the body count rises.
With London gearing up to host the Olympics, the city doesn’t need a serial killer stalking the streets. They’ve got one anyway.
Leaving a trail of brutal and bizarre murders, the police are no closer to finding their latest murderer than Detective Inspector Kurt Lancer is in finding a solution for his daughter’s disability.
Thrust into the pressure cooker of a high profile case, the struggling single parent is wound tight as he tries to balance care of his own family with the safety of a growing population of potential next victims.
One of whom could be his own daughter.
Fingers point in every direction as the public relations nightmare grows, and Lancer’s only answer comes in the form of a single oak leaf left at each crime scene.
Can Kurt Lancer solve the mystery? You'll have to wait to read Oracle by J.C. Martin to find out. However, that doesn't mean you can't get started now.
Introducing the Oracle Mystery Tour.
The cover and teaser have been revealed but all is not as it seems. Now it's time to put yourself in Kurt Lancer's shoes to see if you have what it takes.
Up for grabs...the lives of countless innocents!
Well ok, maybe not, but one diligent sleuth will receive a $20 Amazon gift voucher.
Intrigued? You should be!
To find out more, visit the Oracle Mystery Tour Headquarters.
Hurry! Time is of the essence.
If you don't solve the mystery of Oracle, SOMEONE ELSE WILL!
As the countdown begins, the body count rises.
With London gearing up to host the Olympics, the city doesn’t need a serial killer stalking the streets. They’ve got one anyway.
Leaving a trail of brutal and bizarre murders, the police are no closer to finding their latest murderer than Detective Inspector Kurt Lancer is in finding a solution for his daughter’s disability.
Thrust into the pressure cooker of a high profile case, the struggling single parent is wound tight as he tries to balance care of his own family with the safety of a growing population of potential next victims.
One of whom could be his own daughter.
Fingers point in every direction as the public relations nightmare grows, and Lancer’s only answer comes in the form of a single oak leaf left at each crime scene.
Can Kurt Lancer solve the mystery? You'll have to wait to read Oracle by J.C. Martin to find out. However, that doesn't mean you can't get started now.
Introducing the Oracle Mystery Tour.
The cover and teaser have been revealed but all is not as it seems. Now it's time to put yourself in Kurt Lancer's shoes to see if you have what it takes.
Up for grabs...the lives of countless innocents!
Well ok, maybe not, but one diligent sleuth will receive a $20 Amazon gift voucher.
Intrigued? You should be!
To find out more, visit the Oracle Mystery Tour Headquarters.
Hurry! Time is of the essence.
If you don't solve the mystery of Oracle, SOMEONE ELSE WILL!
Jan 12, 2012
Are You a Retweet Whore?
Just for the record, this post has nothing to do with real whores. I’ll put that disclaimer out there for anyone who’s hoping that this rant will end with links to local massage parlors. Gah! This is going to come back to haunt me isn’t it? I can only imagine that Klout will now be listing me as influential about whores. Great! Now I’m a pimp daddy (guess those high school aptitude tests were right after all). Ah the things I do just to get a blog written...
Anyway...No, what I’m here to talk about today are what I like to call “retweet whores”. They’re that (fortunately) small subset of people on twitter who like to take and take without giving anything back. Now before you get your panties in a bunch, let me just list a few of the twitter types I’m NOT talking about when I mention this.
- Personal tweeters: If you’re on the social network just to be...social, then you are exempt from this definition. Chances are, if people are retweeting you, it’s because you’re clever, funny, or have a good point to make. Go with it. The fact that you have entertained me is thanks enough as far as I am concerned.
- Spam-bots: They’re whores, but a different type. Also they’re not even people so let us not even acknowledge them further. Every society has its fair share of cockroaches. Step on them and be done with it, I say.
- Celebrities: These are the major and minor celebrities out there in the twitter-verse. They’re easy to spot as they usually have some bizarre ratio of 500,000 followers, while only following 3 people back. Sorry to say, but constantly retweeting Snookie in the hopes that she’ll retweet you back is both futile and insane. And no, I’m not going to make a whore joke here...sorry, but I like at least a little challenge with my comedy, thank you very much.
If you’re one of us then you know there are few better feelings then putting out a link to your works and having someone(s) retweet it. Not only are they showing an interest in you but they’re actually helping you market your wares. A couple of good RT’s can turn even the sourest day upside down.
It’s all good, right?
Well usually it is. Here is where we get to the whore part of the post. There is a small percentage, fairly minor really, of folks out there who do not seem to understand the concept of give and take. They will accept all the RTs in the world for their links, but their acknowledgement is few and far between while their reciprocation is nonexistent.
Let me just say this is strictly a repeat offender thing here. One-offs don’t really count. They happen and sometimes twitter won’t even let you know that someone retweeted your stuff unless you specifically look in your stream. This is not meant to be a guilt trip for anyone.
However, there are cases where I’ve retweeted another person’s links multiple times over the span of weeks (or months) with nary a thank-you thrown back...to ANYONE. That’s the key here for me.
I think, for the most part, the wheel of Karma inside of twitter is fairly active. You give and you’ll receive...not always from the same person, however. If I’ve retweeted you a couple of times, in some cases I don’t mind if you don’t do the same back. I write mostly adult material, so I can understand if you don’t want to pass that to your YA followers. However, as long as I see you spreading either thanks or RTs to others than that at least tells me you’re a part of the karma chain and that’s cool. I can live with that quite nicely.
It’s those few who seem to look at the rest of us as their personal, unpaid, marketing departments that bug me. Let’s face facts, even Bob Cratchit got a little acknowledgement from Scrooge every so often. What I’m saying is that the well of generosity isn’t infinitely deep. I am happy to help you succeed, I really am. However, I appreciate it when that good will is likewise passed on...if not to me, then to someone else at least. If you’re so worried about “the competition” then at the very least shoot out the occasional thank-you tweet. I’m like a dog... a pat on the head goes a long way.
That this goes even more for readers who support you shouldn’t even need to be said. It shouldn’t be that hard to send a little shout-out of thanks to someone who has shelled out their money for your product, left you a five-star review on Amazon, and is now crowing your virtues to the world.
If such things are too much for you to handle, then I dare say eventually you will see that well dry up little by little. Karma can be a wonderful thing...but it can also be a bitch.
Jan 10, 2012
Character Profile: The Wicked Witch of the East(coast)
What follows is the conclusion in the series of interviews I conducted over the past several months as I researched material for my books. I have copied them here verbatim from the tapes I made of our sessions.
Read Session 1: A Fucked-up Interview with the Vampire
Read Session 2: Death Never Looked so Good
Read Session 3: Bad Things Come in Small Packages
Read Session 4: Normalcy is Overrated
*********************************
Session 5: The Wicked Witch of the East(coast)
The following is the last of my taped sessions. It’s also the weirdest. I don’t recall having conducted it or having even met the person I spoke with. Yet when I played back my tapes to transcribe all of these, there it was. Who knows what else I don’t remember. Perhaps we’ll never know. All I do know is that I’ve lived to tell my tale...for now.
Me: Please state your name.
Christy: My name is Christine Fenton...Christy for short.
Me: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Christy. I’ll cut right to the chase. I’ve been told by your boyfriend, Tom McIntyre, that you are an actual witch.
Christy: Yes I am.
Me: Care to elaborate?
Christy: Sure. I am a wielder of the power primal.
Me: The power primal?
Christy: The power that flows in all of us and is all around us.
Me: Sounds very new-age.
Christy: That’s the wiccans’ fault. And before you ask, no they’re not real witches. Ever see a wiccan do this? (holds up a hand and suddenly a crackle of energy erupts from it)
Me: No...I can’t say that I have. So you’re telling me that, much like vampires, magic is real?
Christy: Oh most certainly. You’ve probably seen it yourself. Most people can tap into it slightly...just barely enough to notice. If you’ve ever had déjà -vu, a dream that came true, or even found your keys in the same spot where they weren’t just a second ago...you’ve most likely had a brush with it. The only difference is that people like me, witches and wizards, can use it much more pro-actively.
Me: So where’s your wand?
Christy: Oh please don’t start that! There are no wands. I don’t use my broom for anything other than sweeping. And no, I do not have a diploma from any place with the word Hog in it. However, if you’d like to see my version of Avarda Kedarva... I’d be more than happy to oblige. I warn you though; it’s a bit messier than in the movies.
Me: Err...maybe we should move along...
Christy: Please do.
Me: So how did you wind up dating Bill’s roommate, Tom.
Christy: It’s kind of a funny story. My coven master...
Me: I thought covens were...
Christy: Yeah, I’ve heard that to. Supposedly we stole the idea from vampires. Whatever. At least we give the word some class. Anyway, my master, Harry Decker, assigned me to ascertain whether or not Bill was the Freewill of our legends...
Me: Harry Decker? I seem to recall Bill mentioning him...
Christy: It’s bad mojo to interrupt a witch, you know.
Me: Err...sorry. I’m just trying to ask about points of interest.
Christy: Fine. I’ll let it slide for now. Anyway, Bill knows him. He’s the VP of marketing at his company.
Me: Oh
Christy: He’s also the leader of my coven, a high adept of the magic arts.
Me: Fascinating. Getting back to Bill, you have legends about the Freewills too?
Christy: Yes. As I was saying, my master sent me to determine whether Bill was the vampire of legend. I got a job in the same place as his roommate and began to work my magic on him, figuratively speaking.
Me: Really?
Christy: Well ok, a little actual magic too. It didn’t take much though.
Me: So you’re only dating Tom to spy on Bill?
Christy: Well I was. However, he kind of grew on me after a while. So now he’s really my boyfriend. What can I say, he makes me laugh.
Me: And Bill?
Christy: Nothing personal against him. He seems like an ok guy. However, he still has to die.
Me: Why?
Christy: Because his coming heralds disaster for my kind. The Icons will rise again and smite us.
Me: Icons?
Christy: Icons of Faith. It’s hard to explain, but Icons are rare people who have powers that make them deadly to both vampires and magic wielders. Their touch burns vampires and they can resist our powers. That Bill is the Freewill foretells their return as well.
Me: That sounds like it would be just as bad for the vampires as for you.
Christy: Tough noogies for them. At the end of the day, magic or not, I’m still a person. The vampires, well most of them are just monsters. They won’t be missed.
Me: I see. So why are you telling me all of this? It sounds like an agenda you would probably want to keep under wraps.
Christy: It’s no biggie. It’s not like you’re going to remember any of it.
Me: I’m not sure I follow.
Christy: It’s simple, silly. Watch. (makes a few hand gestures...a few seconds go by and she starts to glow)
Me: That’s fairly impressive. However, I don’t see what that’s going to...
*ZZZZAP!!!*
Me: Ugh. Where am I? Who are you?
Christy: You fell and took a nasty bump to your head.
Me: I did?
Christy: Yeah, but don’t worry. You look much better now. I think you’ll be just fine. (walks away)
Me: Hey! Come back....huh, what’s this? (finds recorder in pocket) Man, I gotta stop doing those three margarita lunches.
**************************************
Christy is a character in my book:
Scary Dead Things
Thank you for reading my interviews from the vampire underworld! I sincerely hope my suffering has been your entertainment.
Read Session 1: A Fucked-up Interview with the Vampire
Read Session 2: Death Never Looked so Good
Read Session 3: Bad Things Come in Small Packages
Read Session 4: Normalcy is Overrated
*********************************
Session 5: The Wicked Witch of the East(coast)
The following is the last of my taped sessions. It’s also the weirdest. I don’t recall having conducted it or having even met the person I spoke with. Yet when I played back my tapes to transcribe all of these, there it was. Who knows what else I don’t remember. Perhaps we’ll never know. All I do know is that I’ve lived to tell my tale...for now.
Me: Please state your name.
Christy: My name is Christine Fenton...Christy for short.
Me: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Christy. I’ll cut right to the chase. I’ve been told by your boyfriend, Tom McIntyre, that you are an actual witch.
Christy: Yes I am.
Me: Care to elaborate?
Christy: Sure. I am a wielder of the power primal.
Me: The power primal?
Christy: The power that flows in all of us and is all around us.
Me: Sounds very new-age.
Christy: That’s the wiccans’ fault. And before you ask, no they’re not real witches. Ever see a wiccan do this? (holds up a hand and suddenly a crackle of energy erupts from it)
Me: No...I can’t say that I have. So you’re telling me that, much like vampires, magic is real?
Christy: Oh most certainly. You’ve probably seen it yourself. Most people can tap into it slightly...just barely enough to notice. If you’ve ever had déjà -vu, a dream that came true, or even found your keys in the same spot where they weren’t just a second ago...you’ve most likely had a brush with it. The only difference is that people like me, witches and wizards, can use it much more pro-actively.
Me: So where’s your wand?
Christy: Oh please don’t start that! There are no wands. I don’t use my broom for anything other than sweeping. And no, I do not have a diploma from any place with the word Hog in it. However, if you’d like to see my version of Avarda Kedarva... I’d be more than happy to oblige. I warn you though; it’s a bit messier than in the movies.
Me: Err...maybe we should move along...
Christy: Please do.
Me: So how did you wind up dating Bill’s roommate, Tom.
Christy: It’s kind of a funny story. My coven master...
Me: I thought covens were...
Christy: Yeah, I’ve heard that to. Supposedly we stole the idea from vampires. Whatever. At least we give the word some class. Anyway, my master, Harry Decker, assigned me to ascertain whether or not Bill was the Freewill of our legends...
Me: Harry Decker? I seem to recall Bill mentioning him...
Christy: It’s bad mojo to interrupt a witch, you know.
Me: Err...sorry. I’m just trying to ask about points of interest.
Christy: Fine. I’ll let it slide for now. Anyway, Bill knows him. He’s the VP of marketing at his company.
Me: Oh
Christy: He’s also the leader of my coven, a high adept of the magic arts.
Me: Fascinating. Getting back to Bill, you have legends about the Freewills too?
Christy: Yes. As I was saying, my master sent me to determine whether Bill was the vampire of legend. I got a job in the same place as his roommate and began to work my magic on him, figuratively speaking.
Me: Really?
Christy: Well ok, a little actual magic too. It didn’t take much though.
Me: So you’re only dating Tom to spy on Bill?
Christy: Well I was. However, he kind of grew on me after a while. So now he’s really my boyfriend. What can I say, he makes me laugh.
Me: And Bill?
Christy: Nothing personal against him. He seems like an ok guy. However, he still has to die.
Me: Why?
Christy: Because his coming heralds disaster for my kind. The Icons will rise again and smite us.
Me: Icons?
Christy: Icons of Faith. It’s hard to explain, but Icons are rare people who have powers that make them deadly to both vampires and magic wielders. Their touch burns vampires and they can resist our powers. That Bill is the Freewill foretells their return as well.
Me: That sounds like it would be just as bad for the vampires as for you.
Christy: Tough noogies for them. At the end of the day, magic or not, I’m still a person. The vampires, well most of them are just monsters. They won’t be missed.
Me: I see. So why are you telling me all of this? It sounds like an agenda you would probably want to keep under wraps.
Christy: It’s no biggie. It’s not like you’re going to remember any of it.
Me: I’m not sure I follow.
Christy: It’s simple, silly. Watch. (makes a few hand gestures...a few seconds go by and she starts to glow)
Me: That’s fairly impressive. However, I don’t see what that’s going to...
*ZZZZAP!!!*
Me: Ugh. Where am I? Who are you?
Christy: You fell and took a nasty bump to your head.
Me: I did?
Christy: Yeah, but don’t worry. You look much better now. I think you’ll be just fine. (walks away)
Me: Hey! Come back....huh, what’s this? (finds recorder in pocket) Man, I gotta stop doing those three margarita lunches.
**************************************
Christy is a character in my book:
Scary Dead Things
Thank you for reading my interviews from the vampire underworld! I sincerely hope my suffering has been your entertainment.
Jan 5, 2012
Character Profile: Normalcy is Overrated
What follows is yet another installment in the series of interviews I conducted over the past several months as I researched material for my books. I have copied them here verbatim from the tapes I made of our sessions.
Read Session 1: A Fucked-up Interview with the Vampire
Read Session 2: Death Never Looked so Good
Read Session 3: Bad Things Come in Small Packages
Read Session 5: The Wicked Witch of the East(coast)
*********************************
Session 4: Normalcy is Overrated
This interview was perhaps my favorite of the bunch...not so much because the subjects were interesting, exotic, or ageless...no, it was because this was one of the few that was done in a settings where I didn’t feel I was about to be killed for asking the wrong question. Occasionally it is nice to be able to have a conversation and know that you’re not being sized up as a snack.
Me: Good day to you both. Can you please tell me your names?
Ed: My name is Ed Vesser.
Tom: Tom McIntyre.
Me: Thank you. Now can you explain to me your relationship with Bill Ryder?
Tom: Whoa there! I don’t know what you’ve heard but I’m not into that kind of stuff. I’m strictly hetero.
Ed: He didn’t mean that kind of relationship, stupid. (back to me) We’re Bill’s roommates.
Me: And you’re both human, correct?
Ed: Well I am anyway. The jury’s still out on Tom.
Me: How long have you known Bill?
Tom: We grew up together. I met him in Kindergarten. We’ve been buds ever since.
Ed: I’ve known Bill for about six years, ever since college.
Me: So what do you both do for a living?
Ed: I’m a graphic designer at Hopskotchgames, same place as Bill. In fact I helped get him the job there...had to put in a major good word for him after he blew the interview.
Me: Blew the interview?
Ed: Yep. He took one look at our boss’s secretary and he could barely remember his name. He’s been following her around like a little lost puppy ever since. Kinda pathetic if you ask me.
Me: Interesting. How about you, Tom?
Tom: I work on Wall Street. I probably shouldn’t say the company. They’re a big bank and they tend to frown on the whole social media thing. Hell, I can’t even check Facebook at work. But that doesn’t matter. It won’t be for long. See, I have this collection of...
Ed: Do we really have to go into that?
Tom: Dude, don’t be jealous. Once I’ve made my fortune, I’ll remember to invite you over to my mansion...occasionally.
Me: What exactly are you talking about?
Ed: Delusions.
Tom: Reality! I have an entire storage bin full of collector’s items; action figures, comic books, baseball cards...you name it. One day it’s all going up on eBay and then BAM...I retire in style.
Ed: You’ll be lucky to get pocket change for some of that shit.
Me: Oh yeah...I seem to recall something about a Transformer action figure...
Ed: Oh god, here we go...
Tom: Yeah! Optimus Prime...mint out of the box. And Bill’s fucking vampire friends broke it.
Ed: And we’ve never heard the end of it. Never mind that they almost broke us too!
Tom: Nor will you ever.
Ed: Unless I kill you in your sleep...
Me: Ok ok, gentlemen, please let’s focus here. I have more questions.
Tom: (holds up a fist) Optimus Prime, never forget!
Me: Uh yeah. So anyway, to change the topic a bit...you’re both aware that Bill is a vampire, correct.
Ed: Well yeah. I mean we’re the first people he told.
Me: And you’re both ok with it?
Tom: Hells yeah! It is fucking-A cool.
Ed: I don’t know if I’d go that far, but yeah we’re ok with it.
Tom: I’m better than that. Hell, our lives have gotten a shitload more exciting since then.
Ed: And dangerous...don’t forget that.
Tom: Not too mention the poontang!
Me: Excuse me?
Tom: If Bill hadn’t become a vampire, I’d never have met my girlfriend, Christie. Let me tell you, that chick knows how to...
Me: I’m sure we don’t need to go into detail.
Ed: Thank you! I hear it enough as it is.
Me: Although, speaking of your girlfriend, isn’t she a witch?
Ed: A fucking psycho one.
Tom: All I’m hearing is more jealousy because I’m getting some on a regular basis. (back to me) Yeah she’s a witch, but it’s cool.
Ed: Not to Bill.
Tom: It’s fine. We have an arrangement.
Me: An Arrangement?
Ed: Christie wants Bill dead.
Me: I can see how that could be an issue.
Tom: Yeah, but it’s not a big deal. We have it all worked out. She’s not allowed to try to snuff Bill in our apartment.
Me: And that works?
Ed: No.
Tom: Yeah. Trust me.
Me: Speaking of trust, how do you both view Bill? After all, he is what most people would consider to be a blood sucking monster.
Tom: I’m more worried about waking up and finding Bill chewing on my dick than on my neck.
Ed: My god you are an idiot! (back to me) But in a nutshell, Tom’s right. I don’t worry about Bill. He’s our friend and we’re his. His vampire buddies on the other hand...
Me: Like Sally?
Ed: Um, well...
Tom: Go on, tell him.
Me: What?
Ed: There isn’t much to tell. We went on one date.
Me: You dated Sally, and lived?
Ed: Obviously. Don’t get me wrong, she scares the ever bejesus out of me.
Tom: But she’s a prime piece of ass if ever there was one.
Ed: There is that.
Me: I’ll agree on the scary part at least. So have things changed with Bill ever since he became a vampire.
Ed: Yes and no. Like Tom said, things have definitely been more interesting. On the other hand, we’re still his best friends. If he gets in trouble we help him out and vice versa. Albeit the trouble he gets into as of late has been a lot more potentially lethal than before.
Tom: Hell yeah. I can’t tell you how many of my toys have gotten broken because...
Ed: Oh will you shut the fuck up about that already! You’re like a fucking five year old! (back to me) Bottom line is friends don’t abandon friends just because they’ve grown a set of fangs.
Me: That’s a refreshing thing to hear these days.
Tom: Yeah, that’s why he sleeps with a shotgun under his bed.
Ed: I never said we had to be stupid about the whole thing.
Me: Thank you, both. It’s been...fascinating.
**************************************
Tom and Ed are characters in my books:
Bill The Vampire
Scary Dead Things
Please be sure to join me for the final installment of my interviews from the vampire underworld. Until next time...
Read Session 1: A Fucked-up Interview with the Vampire
Read Session 2: Death Never Looked so Good
Read Session 3: Bad Things Come in Small Packages
Read Session 5: The Wicked Witch of the East(coast)
*********************************
Session 4: Normalcy is Overrated
This interview was perhaps my favorite of the bunch...not so much because the subjects were interesting, exotic, or ageless...no, it was because this was one of the few that was done in a settings where I didn’t feel I was about to be killed for asking the wrong question. Occasionally it is nice to be able to have a conversation and know that you’re not being sized up as a snack.
Me: Good day to you both. Can you please tell me your names?
Ed: My name is Ed Vesser.
Tom: Tom McIntyre.
Me: Thank you. Now can you explain to me your relationship with Bill Ryder?
Tom: Whoa there! I don’t know what you’ve heard but I’m not into that kind of stuff. I’m strictly hetero.
Ed: He didn’t mean that kind of relationship, stupid. (back to me) We’re Bill’s roommates.
Me: And you’re both human, correct?
Ed: Well I am anyway. The jury’s still out on Tom.
Me: How long have you known Bill?
Tom: We grew up together. I met him in Kindergarten. We’ve been buds ever since.
Ed: I’ve known Bill for about six years, ever since college.
Me: So what do you both do for a living?
Ed: I’m a graphic designer at Hopskotchgames, same place as Bill. In fact I helped get him the job there...had to put in a major good word for him after he blew the interview.
Me: Blew the interview?
Ed: Yep. He took one look at our boss’s secretary and he could barely remember his name. He’s been following her around like a little lost puppy ever since. Kinda pathetic if you ask me.
Me: Interesting. How about you, Tom?
Tom: I work on Wall Street. I probably shouldn’t say the company. They’re a big bank and they tend to frown on the whole social media thing. Hell, I can’t even check Facebook at work. But that doesn’t matter. It won’t be for long. See, I have this collection of...
Ed: Do we really have to go into that?
Tom: Dude, don’t be jealous. Once I’ve made my fortune, I’ll remember to invite you over to my mansion...occasionally.
Me: What exactly are you talking about?
Ed: Delusions.
Tom: Reality! I have an entire storage bin full of collector’s items; action figures, comic books, baseball cards...you name it. One day it’s all going up on eBay and then BAM...I retire in style.
Ed: You’ll be lucky to get pocket change for some of that shit.
Me: Oh yeah...I seem to recall something about a Transformer action figure...
Ed: Oh god, here we go...
Tom: Yeah! Optimus Prime...mint out of the box. And Bill’s fucking vampire friends broke it.
Ed: And we’ve never heard the end of it. Never mind that they almost broke us too!
Tom: Nor will you ever.
Ed: Unless I kill you in your sleep...
Me: Ok ok, gentlemen, please let’s focus here. I have more questions.
Tom: (holds up a fist) Optimus Prime, never forget!
Me: Uh yeah. So anyway, to change the topic a bit...you’re both aware that Bill is a vampire, correct.
Ed: Well yeah. I mean we’re the first people he told.
Me: And you’re both ok with it?
Tom: Hells yeah! It is fucking-A cool.
Ed: I don’t know if I’d go that far, but yeah we’re ok with it.
Tom: I’m better than that. Hell, our lives have gotten a shitload more exciting since then.
Ed: And dangerous...don’t forget that.
Tom: Not too mention the poontang!
Me: Excuse me?
Tom: If Bill hadn’t become a vampire, I’d never have met my girlfriend, Christie. Let me tell you, that chick knows how to...
Me: I’m sure we don’t need to go into detail.
Ed: Thank you! I hear it enough as it is.
Me: Although, speaking of your girlfriend, isn’t she a witch?
Ed: A fucking psycho one.
Tom: All I’m hearing is more jealousy because I’m getting some on a regular basis. (back to me) Yeah she’s a witch, but it’s cool.
Ed: Not to Bill.
Tom: It’s fine. We have an arrangement.
Me: An Arrangement?
Ed: Christie wants Bill dead.
Me: I can see how that could be an issue.
Tom: Yeah, but it’s not a big deal. We have it all worked out. She’s not allowed to try to snuff Bill in our apartment.
Me: And that works?
Ed: No.
Tom: Yeah. Trust me.
Me: Speaking of trust, how do you both view Bill? After all, he is what most people would consider to be a blood sucking monster.
Tom: I’m more worried about waking up and finding Bill chewing on my dick than on my neck.
Ed: My god you are an idiot! (back to me) But in a nutshell, Tom’s right. I don’t worry about Bill. He’s our friend and we’re his. His vampire buddies on the other hand...
Me: Like Sally?
Ed: Um, well...
Tom: Go on, tell him.
Me: What?
Ed: There isn’t much to tell. We went on one date.
Me: You dated Sally, and lived?
Ed: Obviously. Don’t get me wrong, she scares the ever bejesus out of me.
Tom: But she’s a prime piece of ass if ever there was one.
Ed: There is that.
Me: I’ll agree on the scary part at least. So have things changed with Bill ever since he became a vampire.
Ed: Yes and no. Like Tom said, things have definitely been more interesting. On the other hand, we’re still his best friends. If he gets in trouble we help him out and vice versa. Albeit the trouble he gets into as of late has been a lot more potentially lethal than before.
Tom: Hell yeah. I can’t tell you how many of my toys have gotten broken because...
Ed: Oh will you shut the fuck up about that already! You’re like a fucking five year old! (back to me) Bottom line is friends don’t abandon friends just because they’ve grown a set of fangs.
Me: That’s a refreshing thing to hear these days.
Tom: Yeah, that’s why he sleeps with a shotgun under his bed.
Ed: I never said we had to be stupid about the whole thing.
Me: Thank you, both. It’s been...fascinating.
**************************************
Tom and Ed are characters in my books:
Bill The Vampire
Scary Dead Things
Please be sure to join me for the final installment of my interviews from the vampire underworld. Until next time...
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