I'm not dead yet

I realize that I've been a little remiss on keeping this blog as current as I should. Truth be told I feel quite inadequate compared to some of the voracious bloggers out there. Forget a few times a week, or even once a day, I see some out there who update their blog with a frequency that I can barely maintain on Facebook or even Twitter.

Well ok maybe I'm exaggerating a bit on that last one. Still, I can't help but feel a bit bad about the fact that I maybe update things a few times a month a best. However, please do not take that as evidence of my creative laziness. Actually the opposite is true. I find I only get so much time per day to devote to writing. Thus I prefer to cram as much of that time as is humanly possible into both writing and/or editing whatever book I am currently working on (that would be Bigfoot Hunters as of the time of this post).

I also tend to like to save my blog time for when I have something to say, preferably something that hasn't been said already by a million other people. After all there are plenty enough posts out there on "why I write", "how I promote my writing", and "what motivates me as a writer" etc etc.

That being said, I do plan on being a little more diligent on updating things as we move into the holiday season. Soon enough I'll start posting samples from my work in progress. In addition to that I'm looking into a few "interviews" with the various characters from my existing books as well as maybe a short story or two to keep you warm during the yuletide months. In short, don't fret. I'm not giving up on all of you. You may not come here and find "My 6 AM post", "My 6:45 AM post", or "My 7:27 AM thoughts on trying to write before I have my coffee" but rest assured I'm not going away anytime soon. Whether that's a promise or a threat will remain to be seen.

But Is It Art???

To create art or to entertain? Regardless of whether you write, act, sculpt, or stand on a street corner miming your way out of an imaginary box, this is a question that will probably be raised either by yourself or others. For me at least this one has always been ridiculously easy to answer. From way back in elementary school whenever I would write a goofy story or get up to make a presentation, worrying more about filling it with bad jokes than content, it had always been about entertaining the crowd. I just can’t stand the thought of being boring to people. Whether they’re laughing or crying...hell, whether they’re loving or hating me...it doesn’t matter as long as they’re reacting because if they’re reacting (outside of leaving) then that means they’re probably not bored. That to me was always the goal and as I move into my life as a story writer I find it continues to be my goal.

That’s not to say that art is a bad thing. It’s not and there’s a definite purity to be had in attempting to create it. Is it possible to create art and entertain at the same time? Of course! Don’t be stupid. However, I find the motivations behind each to be two very different mindsets, at least insofar as my observations have shown. For example; several years back I used to be a part of my college’s drama society. Once the actors got out on stage it was difficult to tell our mindsets apart. However, before the show you could always tell the difference between the thespians and the entertainers. The thespians were serious...sometimes (but not always) morbidly so. They were the ones who would go off by themselves beforehand in order to embrace their character...to become their character. The entertainers would often be more social prior to going on stage. Their main concern: knowing their lines, knowing their cues, and making sure not to step on any laughs or applause.

Was one better than the other? No, I don’t think so. At the end of the day as long as each was dedicated to their craft the end results were always good. As for dealing with the two types: personally I always thought the artists had a tendency to be moodier as well as showed a proclivity towards being more pompous. However, in all fairness, I find that entertainers tend to be the far more obnoxious of their two when they put their minds to it...and believe me, we often do.

So too am I beginning to see that difference in the writing world. There are people who just want to spin a good yarn and there are people who want to write the next Tale of Two Cities. I continue to be in that former crowd. My goal is and will continue to be to entertain my readers. That is at the forefront of my mind when I write.

Don’t get me wrong, though, if I somehow wind up creating art (probably by mistake) then that’s great. So be it! I’d be more than happy to be remembered for the ages for some great literary work I have yet to create. Just know that if such a future ever comes to pass and a century from now students in some high brow literature class are debating the socio-political undertones of one of my works...well know that I’ll be looking down (or up) and laughing my ass off.

Renaissance: aftermaths, explanations, and alternate endings

The Rule of Three Blogfest is over and so is my short story, Ren Faire. I hope you enjoyed it. If you missed it you can find the links below:

Part 1: Bill
Part 2: Tom
Part 3: Ed
Part 4: The Finale

Since I didn't give much introduction during any of my parts, preferring to let the story stand on it's own, I figured I'd give a writer epilogue of sorts. I think it's always cool when one of my favorite writers lets me into their heads to see what fuels the madness, I hope you will too. As an added bonus, at the end of this I have posted the alternate ending to Ren Faire.

For starters let me just say, I enjoyed the ever living hell out of this contest! It was great fun both writing about the town of Renaissance as well as reading the other entries. You did read the other entries, right? Well if not then you should. Follow the Rule of Three links at the top of any of the parts of my story to discover all of the other wonderful stories out there. Don't worry, I'll wait for you to get back.

Alright, all set? Yeah I know, your eyeballs are probably bleeding now. Sorry, I should have mentioned first that there were a lot of other stories. However, they were good weren't they? Well worth the eyestrain if you ask me.

So back to Ren Faire. I had been considering writing some short stories to expand upon the world of Bill Ryder, my main character from Bill the Vampire. When I read about the Rule of 3 Blogfest it seemed like a match made in heaven and part one practically wrote itself. Why on earth wouldn't a geek like Bill and his two dorky friends, Ed and Tom, want to go to a Ren Faire? Things like that (Comic-cons, Star Trek Conventions etc etc) are practically etched in their DNA. Unfortunately, as is the case with such hastily made road trips, it turns out that Renaissance is only the name of the town. They don't actually host Ren Faires there, and my guess would be a good deal of the residents wouldn't even know what one even was. Hijinks thus ensue.

I also figured plopping my characters into this town would be fairly unique amongst the entries. Renaissance was presented as a town of mystery and secrets. There were literally infinite possibilities for epic fantasy and adventure there. Thus, I figured that's probably the route that many of the other stories would take. Many of them did and they're darn fine tales. However, my take was to make it a full blown comedy, one in which the many mysteries of Renaissance would be treated as little more than a side annoyance by our characters.

Therein lies the comedy. After all, this is a place with a deep history. Many great deeds have been performed in Renaissance, some heroic some wicked. What better fun than to introduce a bunch of characters who would completely dismiss the entire thing as a "Bumblefuck of a town"? Of course, the other parts of the comedy are in seeing them get sucked into Renaissance's dark history regardless. Bill, Tom, and Ed are not heroes. They're just clueless dweebs who somehow manage to stumble upon crap like this, a modern day Scooby-Doo gang if you will...albeit with a lot more four-letter words.

As for the process of writing all of the parts, I'll go on record as stating I had no idea what the ending would be when I started out. We were told that each week we would be given prompts, so each week I purposely left off on a cliffhanger...the thing being that I didn't know what the resolution to the cliffhanger would be until such time as I saw the prompts and started writing. Chaotic? Yes. A lot of fun for me as the writer? Also a big yes. I also figured that stayed true to the challenge. I didn't want to write a full-on story and then try to awkwardly fit the square shapes of the story into the round holes of the prompts.

And that's really about all there was too it. I went into this with the goal to have some fun, entertain a few people, and torture my characters a little. At the very least, I know I succeeded in the first and third of my goals. Judging by the kind comments people left here throughout the story I like to think I succeeded on the second as well. Regardless, if you took the time to read my story I thank you wholeheartedly!

So what about that alternate ending? Well, if you follow me on twitter then you probably read something about it on the last week of the contest. Either way, it's nothing earth shattering that really changes the ending. I had just originally gone down a different route before abandoning it in favor of the "official" ending.

The word count limit left me with a conclusion that felt too small. Thus I scrapped it at the last minute and started over. Personally, I'm much happier with the new "official" ending, although you'll see that this ending might fit a bit better with the pace and linear storytelling of the first 3 parts. Thus, rather than let it go to waste, I offer this "alternate" ending here as is. Enjoy with my compliments.

As for further adventures in Renaissance, I am told there will be a sequel to this blogfest in 2012. I'll be keeping an eye on that. If time permits, you might just see Bill making a triumphant (or not) return to Renaissance again sometime in the near future. Time will tell...

**************************************

Part 4: Alternate "Epic" conclusion

Possession is a curious sensation. It’s less horrible soul-raping and more like being shoved to the passenger seat of your car. Annoying, but only traumatic insofar as how lousy the driver is. Speaking of which...

As my body advanced, Ed yelled, “You’re the one with the sword, idiot!”

Tom hesitated for a moment then yelled. “Sorry Bill!” as he swung the weapon. I was hoping he was aiming to cripple not kill. However, before he could connect, I saw the nails of my hand elongate. With one slash they cut through the blade like it was paper. Holy crap! Kymara had better mastery over my vampire powers than I did. I really needed to start practicing.

“Insects!” she mocked through my lips. “You cannot stop the prophesy.”

“Prophesy?” Ed asked.

“Yes!” she replied like some comic book supervillain. “Once every century the two sides awaken to do battle. This time, with my help, Heriot’s Pass shall fall and my pets shall be free to ravage the surface. Behold! Even now the combatants stir!”

Sure enough she was right. An unearthly glow began to surround the army of corpses. Suddenly there were multiple sharp sucking sounds as if long unused lungs were taking their first breath in decades. As if in response, the sounds of deep growling could be heard from the other side of the gate. Oh boy!

My roommates, to their credit, used the distraction to rearm themselves. Unfortunately they both grabbed for the same weapon.

“Let go! This one’s mine!” Ed said, yanking a mace from one of the not-quite dead soldiers

“I saw it first.” Tom replied as he tried to take it from Ed.

I could feel my lips turn up in a smile. Kymara wasn’t afraid of them, big surprise.

However, then Tom lost his grip on the weapon. He stumbled back and slammed into one of the soldiers.

“Wait!” Kymara’s voice suddenly cried out. “What are you doing!?”

The collision caused the soldier to tumble into the one adjacent to it. That one likewise toppled into the next in line. One by one, like dominos, they fell. As each hit the ground its desiccated body crumbled into dust.

“NOOOOO!!” screamed Kymara and then suddenly she was gone and I was me again.

As the last of the soldiers disintegrated, the light from them faded and so too did the growling sounds.

I looked around confusedly while Ed barked, “That’s it!? That was pathetic!”

I was just about to agree when Tom yelled, “Take this, bitch!” and shoved a broadsword into my thigh.

Yes, it hurt. A whole fucking lot!!

“ASSHOLE! It’s me!” I screamed as coherently as I could...which wasn’t much.

“Alright, I freed Bill!” he triumphantly yelled to Ed. Goddamn, what a moron!

**********

The “battle” over, my companions helped me limp back to the surface. On the topic of getting out of this asshole town there was no argument. As we finally exited the store I saw the sun still peeking over the horizon. I put my executioner’s hood back on and we headed towards Ed’s car.

We had just reached it when the sound of a motor caught our ears. Another car was approaching. It pulled alongside us, slowed, and the drivers’ side window rolled down revealing a man dressed in barbarian attire.

Upon seeing me, he turned to his companions. “See!? A town called Renaissance definitely has a Ren Faire in it.”

In response, Tom put a hand on my and Ed’s shoulders and said, “Told you so!”

*sigh*

The End

Ren Faire: A Tale from The Tome of Bill (Part 4 - Finale)

Ren Faire: a Tale From the Tome of Bill

Rule of Three Blogfest
Prompt:
The misfortune is resolved/accepted.
There is a new arrival in town.

Word count: 573

Part 1: Bill
Part 2: Tom
Part 3: Ed


**************************************

Part 4: Back to Bill for the "epic" conclusion...

“Well that was disappointingly easy.” remarked Ed as we made our way back to the surface via torchlight.

“Says you!” I griped as I continued to hobble along. “You didn’t get a broadsword shoved through your goddamned leg. Next time listen to me when I tell you I’m not possessed anymore!”

“I don’t know what you’re bitching about.” said Tom, “And I quote...Only the caress of a lovers kiss shall vanquish the darkness back to the abyss... Stupid fucking prophesy! Chosen one, my ass!”

I glared at him in the dim light. “Let us never speak of that again!”

“I thought it was kind of cute.” quipped Ed.

“Fuck you, dude. Just do me a favor and put a stake through my heart if I ever decide to follow some psycho ghost bitch to the gates of Hell again.”

“Gladly!” added Tom as we continued our upward trek. “Although speaking of ghosts, I thought you said she was hot.”

“Well she was.” I replied with a smirk.

“She only had half of a face!”

“Yeah, but that half was pretty hot.”

“I don’t know. I couldn’t tell with all of the pus dripping off of it!” he spat.

“Oh Relax! She was still better looking than your last girlfriend.” Ed commented. “But then again so were those trolls that were attacking the gate.”

Tom tried to scowl at us but eventually just gave up and laughed. “I have to admit those things were wicked cool. But not as cool as that group of goblin berserkers that went all apeshit against them.”

I nodded and then added, “Personally I liked when the dragon showed up and started eating them all.”

**********

We finally made it back to the ladder leading out of the mines. We climbed up and exited the store to find that the sun was still peeking over the horizon. We hadn’t been gone as long as I had thought. To avoid toasting myself, I put my cloak and executioner’s hood back on and then turned to my companions.

“What now?” I asked.

“What now!?” replied Ed, incredulously. “Now we get out of this asshole town before anything else stupid happens.” With that he started leading us back to the car, but not before telling Tom, “That’s the last vacation you get to plan.”

“What!?” he whined. “At least it wasn’t boring.”

“Don’t make me deck you.” I said in response as we neared the vehicle.

Suddenly I stopped dead in my tracks as the sound of multiple footsteps caught my ear. “Guys, we’re not alone.” I whispered to my friends.

We turned as a group to find three large men approaching us.

“Uh oh.” sputtered Tom. “I think we missed a few.”

“It figures!” spat Ed. “I knew we recited that fucking spell wrong!”

“Stow it and get behind me!” I hissed as the brutes came closer.

They were clearly dressed for battle. They wore heavy leather armor adorned with furs. Multi-colored war-paint was slathered on their faces in a variety of tribal symbols. Worst of all, each carried a large, nasty looking battleaxe.

I tensed myself for action as the one in front stopped and looked me over.

There was a pause as his eyes locked with mine and then he turned to his companions and said, “I told you this was the right place! Nobody would name a town Renaissance and then not host a Ren Faire in it.”

The End

Ren Faire: Part 3

Ren Faire: a Tale From the Tome of Bill

Rule of Three Blogfest
Prompt: Betrayal is in the air
Word count: 592

Part 1: Bill
Part 2: Tom

**************************************

Part 3: Ed

It’s pretty hard to kill someone who’s already dead. Tom and I would have been messed up six ways to Sunday by the fall that Bill had just sustained. Fortunately his vampire physique was able to shrug it off. Unfortunately the rest of him wasn’t able to shrug off the need to whine about it.

“Ow! That fucking hurt!” he called up.

“Watch that first step.” Tom, ever helpful in these situations, yelled back.

“Screw you!”

“At last your true feelings for me emerge.”

“Enough!” I interrupted. “You two can get a room later. For now let’s get you out of there, Bill.”

“No!” he replied. “Kymara says this is the right way. Try to find a rope to....huh, what’s that?”

“What?”

“She says there’s a trapdoor in the corner with a ladder leading down...Could’ve told me that sooner!”

As Bill continued arguing with his spectral companion, we found the door and descended downward by the light of my phone. As we did, I wondered if I was alone in feeling paranoid. Bill and Tom both seemed blissfully clueless as usual, but I’ve seen enough movies to be wary of following a ghost into the bowels of the earth. Oh well, friends don’t abandon friends...tempting as it might be.

After meeting up, we were directed down a steadily descending path for almost an hour. Bill finally stopped and, of course, that’s when my phone gave out. Great! Vampires can see in the dark, but Tom and I were screwed.

However, before we could complain, Bill gasped, “Unbelievable!”

“What?”

“It’s amaz....” He started to answer when suddenly a torch flickered to life on the wall.

More torches lit up, illuminating a cavern some fifty feet across. The whole spontaneous ignition thingee was almost certainly a bad omen, although I’ll admit it was also pretty fucking awesome to watch. However, that wasn’t even the wildest part of it.

“Holy Tolkien’s wet dream, batman!” exclaimed Tom.

Standing before us was a legion of the dead, literally. Mummified corpses in full medieval battle armor and weaponry stood at attention. They were arranged in a semi-circle, all facing the far end of the cave.

“The guardians of the Kastanes.” Bill said in a whisper. “Tasked with holding the accursed gates of Heriot’s Pass.” and then louder, “That’s what Kymara says anyway.”

“Oddly fitting.” I remarked, gaping at the massive portcullis that filled the opposite end of the chamber. It was heavily fortified yet showed signs of stress as if something had once attempted to gain entrance from the other side.

“Check it out guys!” suddenly cried Tom. We turned to find him swinging a sword swiped from one of the corpses. “Crush your enemies...drive them before you!” *sigh* He is such a twit.

“Chill out, Legolas.” I said right before I was drowned out by a booming disembodied voice...a female voice I might add. Surprised? Neither was I.

“FOOLS! YOUR BLOOD SHALL FREE MY MINIONS FROM THE PIT!!

“What the hell...” Bill started to say when suddenly he was enveloped in a white light. “Kymara, what the fuck are...” his body started convulsing. He turned toward us and yelled, “Run! I can’t...stop...she’s...taking...ov...”

Before we could do anything to help, the spasms stopped. He smiled and a voice came from his mouth that was most certainly not Bill’s.

“Freedom will finally be ours.” the new voice purred as Bill’s fangs extended. “Right after dinner.”

“Oh shit!” muttered Tom. “What do we do?”

“Don’t ask me.” I replied as Bill stepped towards us. “You’re the one who called dibs.”


To Be Concluded...

Ren Faire: Part 2

Ren Faire: a Tale From the Tome of Bill

Rule of Three Blogfest
Prompt: Someone is killed or almost killed
Word count: 592

Part 1: Bill

**************************************

Part 2: Tom

“Where are you going, Bill? I asked as my sun-averse friend suddenly veered towards the boarded up storefront we were passing.

“Come on. Let’s see what she wants.” he replied, heading towards the oddly open doorway of the dilapidated structure.

“She?” asked Ed.

“Yeah yeah, I’m hurrying.” Bill complained as he stepped inside.

“Maybe his mask’s on too tight.” I commented, following.

I found him standing in the middle of an empty room. Judging from the dust on the shelves, this shithole had been closed for some time. However, my more immediate concern was the conversation Bill was having with thin air.

“I’m pretty sure this is breaking and entering.” Ed stated as he joined us.

“It’s cool.” replied Bill as he pulled off his hood. “Kymara owns this place.”

“A Chimera owns this...” I started to ask when the door suddenly swung shut behind us. Ok, that was a little weird. But still, after learning that one’s best friend has been turned into a vampire, one tends to up their tolerances of the strange and unusual.

Bill responded with, “No, stupid. Kymara, with a K.” as if that answered anything. “This is her store.” He then addressed the space next to him, “Kymara, these are my friends.”

This of course prompted Ed to ask, “Who the fuck are you talking to?”

“Lack of pussy has finally driven him over the edge.” I noted.

Bill looked at us as if we were morons. “I’m talking to her.” he said, pointing towards nothing.

“Yeah, definite pussy deprivation.” I stated. “There’s nobody else here, dude.”

“Don’t be assholes. Of course...” Bill stopped and again turned towards the nothingness. “What? No shit!?” He blinked a few times and then addressed us. “She says she’s a ghost.”

“A ghost.” Ed repeated. “Well ok then.” he replied with dubious tone.

Bill paused again and then added. “She says that I can see her because I’m already half in her world. The whole being dead thing, I guess.”

“Makes as much sense as anything.” commented Ed with a shrug. “So what does this...”

“Is she hot?” I interrupted.

“What?”

“Is the ghost hot?” I repeated.

“Well yeah, I guess.” Bill replied. “Except for...”

“Except for what?”

“Nevermind.” he finished.

“Dibs!” I proclaimed.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Ed asked me.

“I’m calling dibs.”

“You’re calling dibs on a ghost?”

“Sure. I’d do a ghost.” I answered.

“You worry me, dude.” responded Ed.

“Oh come on. It’d be great!” I explained. “You wouldn’t need a condom. No chance of getting a disease. And then when morning comes...*poof*...they vanish into the ether. It’s like the perfect woman.”

There was a momentary pause as they no doubt pondered my genius, and then Bill started walking around the counter. I heard him say, “Yeah, he’s always like that. Sorry.” as he disappeared into the back.

Ed and I shared a glance and then he called out to Bill, “And you’re going where exactly?”

“The mines.” he yelled back. “She needs our help to...OH FUCK!!”

There was the sound of wood snapping and then a loud crash. I started in that direction, but Ed put his hand on my shoulder to stop me. Before I could protest, he activated the screen of his phone to light the way.

Good thing he did. As we followed, we found a large hole in the rotting floorboards. I didn’t know how far it went, but in the meager light I couldn’t see the bottom.

“Bill, are you okay?” I called down into the darkness.


To Be Continued...

Self-Publishing from One Newb to Another

Recently, on twitter, I found myself answering a few inquiries about getting started in ebook self-publishing. What strikes me odd about those conversations is not so much that they occurred but that I found myself answering with an actual air of authority as if I had clue one as to what I was doing. You see it’s been less than a year since I self-published my first book, a mishmash of old short stories I had written way back during my college years. Since then, I’ve been doing my best to play catch-up, releasing two original novels and continuing to chug along, but I am still but a babe lost in the woods of this industry.

However, since then I’ve realized that perhaps I’m not entirely as naïve as I had thought. We’re all used to working in fields where one’s maturity is measured in the sweat accumulated over years. If you were to try acting like an authority on your first job out of high school or college then you’re liable to be laughed at, probably rightfully so. However, the e-publishing business is still so much in its infancy that the difference between a newb and a journeyman can probably be measured in the space of weeks, not years. Thus perhaps I wasn’t entirely out of turn answering these questions like I did. Of course there’s still a chance that I’m just a self-important, egomaniacal dick. I leave open that possibility.

Regardless of that last part, however, I do have a year of experience under my belt that perhaps you do not. That being the case, I would like to present to you my experiences with some of the e-publishing resources out there so that you might be better armed as you dive into this crazy world. I offer no guarantees to the below. Your mileage may vary. All I offer is my viewpoint and the note that the below is by no means exhaustive. I only know that which I have tried...

Amazon / Kindle: If you are just starting out in the e-publishing world then I personally can not think of anywhere else you would wish to start. Amazon is the big dog out there. While everyone else might pretend to be players, when it comes down to the actual pissing match nobody can measure up to Amazon.

If you have an Amazon account (and if you don’t then I might suggest you have a nice stern talk with the wolves that raised you) and a book to sell, then voila you can sell it on their website. The only emphasis on you is doing a little research on their site beforehand with regards to formatting. If you need help, Amazon has a great many writers on their forums that would probably be happy to give you some pointers.

From personal experience I would recommend utilizing Mobi-pocket to format your first Kindle e-book. It’s an old program and doesn’t work well on some PC configurations, but it’s easy to use. Outside of their Table of Contents wizard, which can be a bit tricky on first use, the rest is a breeze. You basically take an MS Word version of your book, save it as filtered HTML (from within Word itself), and then import it into Mobi. Within about 3 clicks you’ll have an ebook. Just be sure to test it first on Amazon’s free Kindle previewer.

Aside from that, Amazon also offers other resources to help you get the word out, such as an author page for you. The best part: aside from their cut of the sales, there isn’t any charge to you.

I sell at least 90% of my ebooks through Amazon. They are the duke. They are A-number 1 as far as I am concerned.

My only downside with them: If you upload an ebook and then realize you’ve missed a massive typo, you’ll have to wait 24 hours to fix it. That can be a pain in the ass as you sit back and hope you don’t get crucified with bad reviews for all of your The’s that are spelled “Teh”.

Barnes & Noble / Nook: B&N doesn’t offer nearly the support for self-pubbed authors as Amazon does. However, they’re not exactly chopped liver either and they’re a huge, well known company. Another plus in their favor is that B&N supports their books uploaded in epub format (as opposed to Amazon’s propriety format). Once you have your books formatted for the Nook store, you can pretty much port them over anyplace else you’d like.

I typically use a program called Calibre for formatting. Since Amazon is my number one ebook seller, I almost always format for them first. However, Calibre will allow me to import my files in Amazon’s format (.prc) and export them as epub books. The program isn’t the easiest to use for a first timer. However, once you get the hang of it you’ll find it’s a breeze to reformat your files.

I don’t sell a lot through B&N, but I do sell. Thus they are always a consideration for me. Even better, they don’t have Amazon’s pesky 24 hour lockout rule. If you find a typo, you can upload a new file right away.

Like Amazon, B&N offers a PC version of their Nook software to preview your work. Take advantage of it.

Smashwords: Some authors swear by Smashwords. I do not. However, that doesn’t mean you won’t. To date I have sold a grand total of two books on Smashwords. However, two is still greater than none, so I shall continue to utilize them.

The beauty (and curse as well) of Smashwords is that they’ll do all the work for you. As long as you have a Word document formatted to their guidelines (you will remember to read their guidelines first, won’t you?), all you need do is upload it and let their conversion software do the rest. Smashwords is one stop shopping for nearly all ebook formats. However, since they do the conversion and formatting for you, you’re kind of at their mercy. This makes me a little nervous. If my ebook is formatted like shit, I’d prefer it to be my fault. At least that way I can probably fix it.

I consider Smashwords my K-mart of ebook outlets. They’re big enough and they do just enough to make it worthwhile but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Lulu: The Hyde to Smashwords’ Jekyll. Lulu pretty much serves the same purpose as Smashwords. They’re an ebook aggregator who will help get your ebook out there across multiple stores and formats. I’ve also never sold a single book through Lulu. So why bother? A couple of reasons.

For starters Lulu is much stricter than Smashwords. They won’t format your files for you and your book had better be formatted perfectly otherwise they’ll boot your ass to the curb. I find I have to use a third program called Sigil to edit my epub books because Calibre leaves a little extra formatting in their files that B&N is cool with but Lulu is not. It may be a bit of a pain but the flipside is that I know my books will be formatted as I’ve intended them to be on Lulu, as opposed to Smashwords.

The second reason is this little thing called ibooks. They’re the one-hundred pound gorilla in the room with aspirations to being eight-hundred. They’re also not particularly friendly to self-publishers. Using Lulu, however, I can get my books loaded up into the ibooks store with no problem. Technically Smashwords offers this same service, but I’ve found my books appear on Apple’s devices more quickly with Lulu. Thus I continue to stick with them. Even if they offer me no sales (so far), they get my books into an exclusive club where I might otherwise get tossed out on my ass by the bouncers.

Print-on-Demand: Finally there’s always the possibility that for all the work you’ve done to get your ebook out there, you still won’t be able to satisfy your great aunt Betty. “What’s an ebook?” she’ll ask in her shrill tone. If print books were good enough for her daddy then, by God, they’re good enough for her. So to cover your bases I’d recommend finding a print on demand outfit to fill that need.

I prefer Createspace for a couple of reasons. For starters their prices are reasonable. Nobody, relatives included, is going to buy a copy of your book if it’s $30. The profit margin is very slim, but I can put a 300 page paperback version of my book out there for about $13. It’s even less if I want to purchase it myself. Keep this in mind for the holidays. The best Christmas gifts are the self-serving ones.

Perhaps more important, though, is the Amazon factor again. They own Createspace. Therefore, you print via Createspace and your paperback will show up on Amazon. That alone makes them a contender.

As for formatting, they prefer your work to be a PDF. However, they have plenty of samples to download to help you out. With one of the many free PDF converters out there (I use PDFCreator) you can export your book directly from MS Word and be good to go. The only thing you’ll need to worry about after that is your cover image. Don’t have one? Use one of Createspace’s many free templates and you’ll be set.

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That’s it. Sound simple? Well, while it may be harder than I make it out to be, I think you’ll find it’s all easier than you probably imagine it to be. Follow the above, do your homework, and you’ll have your bases nicely covered on the ebook front. Then you just need to worry about the marketing and that...as Conan the Barbarian’s chronicler would say...is another story.