What follows is another installment in the series of interviews I conducted over the past several months as I researched material for my books. I have copied them here verbatim from the tapes I made of our sessions.
Read Session 1: A Fucked-up Interview with the Vampire
Read Session 2: Death Never Looked so Good
Read Session 4: Normalcy is Overrated
Read Session 5: The Wicked Witch of the East(coast)
Session 3: Bad Things Come in Small Packages
Bill: (sighs) Ok, let’s connect and get this over with. (punches a few keys. A man appears on the screen after a few seconds. He’s Asian in appearance and appears to be wearing some sort of armor) Hey, Nergui! Can you hear me?
Nergui: Yes, Freewill. We are connected.
Bill: Is Gan there?
Nergui: The princess will speak with you now.
(He gets up and his spot is taken by an Asian girl of seemingly pre-teen age...she seems disinterested at first until she peers at the screen. Then her eyes go wide.)
Gan: Is that you, beloved?
Bill: Hi, Gan, and please don't call me that.
Gan: (looking confused) Why are you in this strange box?
Bill: It’s a monitor.
Gan: I see. Will the yellow one be on it when we are done?
Bill: No, Gan. I don’t think they rebroadcast Spongebob in Mongolia. Anyway, here’s the nice man I was telling you about. He’s going to ask you some questions.
Me: Hello. May I call you Gan?
Gan: No you may not, human. I am Gansetseg, shadow princess of Asia and heir to the empire of the great Khan. You may address me accordingly.
Nergui: (from off screen) Your Highness would be acceptable.
Me: Uh, sure. Whatever.
Gan: Bill, please kill the human. I find him insolent.
Bill: Yeah ok, Gan. I’ll kill him as soon as we’re through, ok?
Gan: Excellent, beloved. You may ask me your questions now, human.
Me: Thank you, your highness. So is it true that you’re over three hundred years old?
Gan: Yes. I would imagine it hard for a limited creature such as yourself to understand but I have walked this Earth for the span of three centuries.
Me: Is it difficult to have spent that entire time as a little girl?
Gan: I am no little girl. I am a woman! Would a child be betrothed to a fine man such as Bill?
Me: No, I suppose not.
Bill: Don't encourage her!
Gan: My feelings require no encouragement from the human.
Bill: Grrr...ok let's just move on. Next question.
Me: Sure. Gan...err...your highness, considering your age, you must have a unique perspective on the modern world. Would you care to share any insights?
Gan: I live very much the same as I ever have. I am adored by the nomadic covens under my rule. I have vampires who serve me, the undead to cater to my oxen, and humans to provide me with nourishment.
Me: Undead? I thought...
Bill: She means zombies. Vamps keep them around as day labor.
Me: I see.
Gan: I have encountered bits and pieces of your so called modern world, the vulgar place you call New York...
Me: Thats probably not a bad way to describe it.
Gan: Do not interrupt me again, human! Bill, if he does so, please eviscerate him.
Bill: Whatever you say, Gan.
Gan: Excellent! Now as I was saying before being rudely interrupted by lesser beings, I find your modern world to be pointless. All of your technology has done nothing more than weaken your already sad little species. If it weren't for the yellow one, I'd consider razing it all to the ground and being done with it.
Me: I'm certain the fine folks at Nickelodeon would be proud to know that they're the only ones standing between us and armageddon.
Me: Sorry, just thinking out loud to myself.
Gan: Yes, you humans are odd that way.
Me: You and Bill seem to have an interesting relationship.
Bill: Do you really have to get her started?
Me: Sorry, I meant aside from the...err...romantic aspects of it.
Bill: (under his breath) Asshole!
Gan: Yes. Bill is the Freewill of vampire legend, the one who shall lead us back into the light. He is unique amongst all our kind. A fitting concubine for one such as I.
Bill: Focus, Gan!
Gan: Oh very well, beloved. I do so for you. We have many prophecies that speak of his deeds to come. Even now he aspires to greatness. He shall be the one to lead us to victory in our war against the Alma.
Bill: Uh yeah. Trust me, don't ask. It's a long story.
Gan: Why do you deny it, beloved? You shall be the one to crush the hairy demons under your iron fist. You shall lay them low! You shall march fearlessly against their unstoppable masses. You shall...
Bill: I'll stay in fucking New York where the worst I have to deal with are asshole cabbies and rude street vendors. That's what I shall do, thank you very much.
Gan: You cannot deny your destiny, beloved.
Bill: Watch me...and stop calling me beloved!
Gan: Very well, my love.
Bill: ARGH!! (storms out)
Me: Um, we've gotten a little sidetracked.
Gan: I should say so, human. My beloved was supposed to kill you before he left.
Me: Yeah about that...
Gan: It is no matter. (to off screen) Nergui, send your assassins to America. Find the insolent human and bring his head back to me..
Nergui: (off screen) As you wish, Princess. I am tracing his location now.
Me: Well will you look at the time. Sorry, your highness, but it seems there's a problem with our connection.
Gan: Do not be foolish! There is nothing wrong with....*** (screen goes blank as plug gets pulled)
Me: *sigh* I really need to find a different job.
Gan is one of the main characters in my book:
Scary Dead Things (The Tome of Bill Part 2)
Please be sure to join me for the next installment of my interviews from the vampire underworld. Until next time...