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Dec 15, 2011

Character Profile: Death Never Looked so Good

What follows is another installment in the series of interviews I conducted over the past several months as I researched material for my books. I have copied them here verbatim from the tapes I made of our sessions.

Read Session 1: A Fucked-up Interview with the Vampire

Read Session 3: Bad Things Come in Small Packages

Read Session 4: Normalcy is Overrated

Read Session 5: The Wicked Witch of the East(coast)

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Session 2: Death Never Looked so Good

Me: Your name is Sally, correct?

Sally: Yes

Me: Sally what?

Sally: Sally is just fine, thanks.

Me: Is that your real name?

Sally: What do you mean?

Me: Well, Bill, implied your name starts with an L, like...

Sally: Next question, meatsack!

Me: Err, anyway. You’re a vampire like Bill, correct?

Sally: Yes I’m a vampire but no I’m not like Bill. I have a social life on the weekend.

Me: Interesting distinction. Anyway, I know why Bill is speaking to me. However, I’m curious as to why you agreed to do so. After all, I’m lead to believe that vampires as a whole don’t want the world to know they exist. Is this not correct?

Sally: Two reasons really. One, Bill asked me to do this...about five-hundred fucking times. I agreed just to finally shut him up. Secondly, let’s face facts; how many people actually read your blog? Two, maybe three?

Me: A few more than that I’d say.

Sally: (rolls eyes) Whatever! Bottom line is that if you were from someplace real...like say the New York Times...I’d have snapped your neck and filleted you by now. As it is, you’ll excuse me if I’m not too worried about the masses taking up pitchforks and torches against us.

Me: When you put it that way... Anyway, getting back to the vampire thing, how old are you exactly, Sally?

Sally: Never ask a vampire her age, we tend to get all bitey with that one. Suffice to say I’m a bit older than Bill. Ballpark, looking at you I’d say your mom could have been one of my classmates.

Me: Fair enough. You’re a member of Bill’s coven correct? What’s it like to...

Sally: No, I’m Bill’s partner. I run the coven with him. Think of it like Parliament and the crown. Bill might be the king but I’m the prime minister.

Me: In a lot of cultures the king is just a figurehead and the prime minster wields all the power.

Sally: See!? Not as stupid as you look. Oh by the way...my eyes are up here, mister! I catch your peepers heading south again and I’m going to rip them out of your head.

Me: Oh, sorry. No offense was meant, miss. Anyway, um, next question...how would you describe your relationship with Bill?

Sally: (another eye roll) It’s complicated.

Me: As in romantically?

Sally: NO! What I mean is that half the time Bill drives me bugshit insane. The guy is like the lord of the dweebs. Under normal circumstances our social cliques would just not mix. I mean look at me...keep your eyes up here, you fucking bald-headed perv! Last warning! It was a figure of speech for Christ’s sake!

Me: Sorry.

Sally: Where was I? Oh yeah, Bill. So sometimes I just want to stake him myself to put him out of his dorkish misery. But the rest of the time he’s like the best friend I ever had. I mean seriously, he’s gone to bat for me when other vamps would have bugged out of town. Don’t let me hear that you repeated that to him or I’ll make a jump rope out of your intestines.

Me: Mum’s the word (slips recorder into pocket). So as Bill’s partner in the coven, what do you do exactly?

Sally: I mostly keep the other vampires from ripping Bill to pieces. See he has these ridiculous notions of us being kinder and gentler vampires. The guy must have watched one too many episodes of the Care Bears as a kid. Anyway, he keeps trying to make us go against our baser nature.

Me: That being?

Sally: We’re apex predators, end of story. You’re a pathetic little gazelle and I’m a goddamned crocodile. Get my drift? However, Bill apparently lives in this delusional world where we all coexist like some fucking Disney movie. He keeps trying to curb our appetites and as a result he tends to piss a lot of people off. I don’t care if Bill is a Freewill, he’s not Superman. He ruffles enough feathers and he’s going to get gang-staked.

Me: And this is where you come in?

Sally: Correct-a-mundo! I make sure the blood keeps flowing, the bodies keep piling up, and that Bill gets the credit for it, whether he likes it or not. That way everyone is happy.

Me: Except for Bill, apparently.

Sally: Yeah well, you can’t make an omelet...

Me: Tell me about the hotline that Bill had mentioned to me.

Sally: (smiles) That...brilliant stroke of genius? I don’t like to toot my own horn, well not all the time anyway, but that one was definitely an inspired work of Darwinian proportions. It kills at least three birds with one stone, maybe more. The coven gets fresh blood, Bill looks good in the process, and we wind up weeding out people who were probably just going to remove themselves from the situation anyway. It’s a win win!

Me: I’m not sure I’d call it that. You’re preying on the weak and vulnerable.

Sally: Says you. According to the Daily News we are, and I quote: “from dusk until dawn, a shining beacon of hope for the city’s forgotten.” God, I love that one.

Me: You’re a regular Mother Theresa.

Sally: Screw that. Mother Theresa never looked this good. Brains, brawn, and beauty...what would Bill do without me?

Me: Indeed. What would he do without you?

Sally: Probably die in about five minutes. (stands) Well it’s been real but time’s up, fleshwad. I have places to be and people much better looking than you to see.

Me: Thank you for your time...

Sally: The pleasure was all yours. Now if you’ll just kindly keep your eyes away from my ass as I leave, I might not have to kill you.

Me: No problem. (Sally leaves) Crazy bitch.

Sally: (from down the hall) I heard that!

(sounds of running as the recording ends)

*************************************

Sally is one of the main characters in my books:
Bill The Vampire
Scary Dead Things

Sally is also a constant thorn in Bill's side on Facebook

Please be sure to join me for the next installment of my interviews from the vampire underworld. Until next time...

4 comments:

Sally said...

Ahem. Mister author man. I know where you live.

And I pity you, really I do.

Joshua said...

Yeah...she could eat me and I wouldn't mind.

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

You make this so real. She's sassy, and I love it :)

Rick G said...

Thanks, Elisa. She's probably my favorite character in the series. I have her pegged for her own book maybe about 2 or 3 down the line.