What follows is yet another installment in the series of interviews I conducted over the past several months as I researched material for my books. I have copied them here verbatim from the tapes I made of our sessions.
Read Session 1: A Fucked-up Interview with the Vampire
Read Session 2: Death Never Looked so Good
Read Session 3: Bad Things Come in Small Packages
Read Session 5: The Wicked Witch of the East(coast)
This interview was perhaps my favorite of the bunch...not so much because the subjects were interesting, exotic, or ageless...no, it was because this was one of the few that was done in a settings where I didn’t feel I was about to be killed for asking the wrong question. Occasionally it is nice to be able to have a conversation and know that you’re not being sized up as a snack.
Me: Good day to you both. Can you please tell me your names?
Ed: My name is Ed Vesser.
Tom: Tom McIntyre.
Me: Thank you. Now can you explain to me your relationship with Bill Ryder?
Tom: Whoa there! I don’t know what you’ve heard but I’m not into that kind of stuff. I’m strictly hetero.
Ed: He didn’t mean that kind of relationship, stupid. (back to me) We’re Bill’s roommates.
Me: And you’re both human, correct?
Ed: Well I am anyway. The jury’s still out on Tom.
Me: How long have you known Bill?
Tom: We grew up together. I met him in Kindergarten. We’ve been buds ever since.
Ed: I’ve known Bill for about six years, ever since college.
Me: So what do you both do for a living?
Ed: I’m a graphic designer at Hopskotchgames, same place as Bill. In fact I helped get him the job there...had to put in a major good word for him after he blew the interview.
Me: Blew the interview?
Ed: Yep. He took one look at our boss’s secretary and he could barely remember his name. He’s been following her around like a little lost puppy ever since. Kinda pathetic if you ask me.
Me: Interesting. How about you, Tom?
Tom: I work on Wall Street. I probably shouldn’t say the company. They’re a big bank and they tend to frown on the whole social media thing. Hell, I can’t even check Facebook at work. But that doesn’t matter. It won’t be for long. See, I have this collection of...
Ed: Do we really have to go into that?
Tom: Dude, don’t be jealous. Once I’ve made my fortune, I’ll remember to invite you over to my mansion...occasionally.
Me: What exactly are you talking about?
Tom: Reality! I have an entire storage bin full of collector’s items; action figures, comic books, baseball cards...you name it. One day it’s all going up on eBay and then BAM...I retire in style.
Ed: You’ll be lucky to get pocket change for some of that shit.
Me: Oh yeah...I seem to recall something about a Transformer action figure...
Ed: Oh god, here we go...
Tom: Yeah! Optimus Prime...mint out of the box. And Bill’s fucking vampire friends broke it.
Ed: And we’ve never heard the end of it. Never mind that they almost broke us too!
Tom: Nor will you ever.
Ed: Unless I kill you in your sleep...
Me: Ok ok, gentlemen, please let’s focus here. I have more questions.
Tom: (holds up a fist) Optimus Prime, never forget!
Me: Uh yeah. So anyway, to change the topic a bit...you’re both aware that Bill is a vampire, correct.
Ed: Well yeah. I mean we’re the first people he told.
Me: And you’re both ok with it?
Tom: Hells yeah! It is fucking-A cool.
Ed: I don’t know if I’d go that far, but yeah we’re ok with it.
Tom: I’m better than that. Hell, our lives have gotten a shitload more exciting since then.
Ed: And dangerous...don’t forget that.
Tom: Not too mention the poontang!
Me: Excuse me?
Tom: If Bill hadn’t become a vampire, I’d never have met my girlfriend, Christie. Let me tell you, that chick knows how to...
Me: I’m sure we don’t need to go into detail.
Ed: Thank you! I hear it enough as it is.
Me: Although, speaking of your girlfriend, isn’t she a witch?
Ed: A fucking psycho one.
Tom: All I’m hearing is more jealousy because I’m getting some on a regular basis. (back to me) Yeah she’s a witch, but it’s cool.
Ed: Not to Bill.
Tom: It’s fine. We have an arrangement.
Me: An Arrangement?
Ed: Christie wants Bill dead.
Me: I can see how that could be an issue.
Tom: Yeah, but it’s not a big deal. We have it all worked out. She’s not allowed to try to snuff Bill in our apartment.
Me: And that works?
Tom: Yeah. Trust me.
Me: Speaking of trust, how do you both view Bill? After all, he is what most people would consider to be a blood sucking monster.
Tom: I’m more worried about waking up and finding Bill chewing on my dick than on my neck.
Ed: My god you are an idiot! (back to me) But in a nutshell, Tom’s right. I don’t worry about Bill. He’s our friend and we’re his. His vampire buddies on the other hand...
Me: Like Sally?
Ed: Um, well...
Tom: Go on, tell him.
Ed: There isn’t much to tell. We went on one date.
Me: You dated Sally, and lived?
Ed: Obviously. Don’t get me wrong, she scares the ever bejesus out of me.
Tom: But she’s a prime piece of ass if ever there was one.
Ed: There is that.
Me: I’ll agree on the scary part at least. So have things changed with Bill ever since he became a vampire.
Ed: Yes and no. Like Tom said, things have definitely been more interesting. On the other hand, we’re still his best friends. If he gets in trouble we help him out and vice versa. Albeit the trouble he gets into as of late has been a lot more potentially lethal than before.
Tom: Hell yeah. I can’t tell you how many of my toys have gotten broken because...
Ed: Oh will you shut the fuck up about that already! You’re like a fucking five year old! (back to me) Bottom line is friends don’t abandon friends just because they’ve grown a set of fangs.
Me: That’s a refreshing thing to hear these days.
Tom: Yeah, that’s why he sleeps with a shotgun under his bed.
Ed: I never said we had to be stupid about the whole thing.
Me: Thank you, both. It’s been...fascinating.
Tom and Ed are characters in my books:
Bill The Vampire
Scary Dead Things
Please be sure to join me for the final installment of my interviews from the vampire underworld. Until next time...