Oh No! People Hate Me and/or My Books! What Do I Do???

This is yet another post aimed at novice writers. My hope is that maybe you’ll take some of this to heart and grow to be a valued member of this wonderful industry. Let's face facts, there are too many loud-mouthed whiners these days seeking 15 minutes of fame by crying about the unfairness of it all - how people didn't immediately buy a million copies of their work of art.

Just remember, 15 minutes of infamy ends very quickly - often as soon as the next person dials 911 and calls the Waaahmbulance.

Let’s just get this out of the way now. People are going to hate you. There, now take that horse pill and swallow it. Go ahead, choke it down. Tastes pretty bad doesn't it?  But was it truly the worst thing you've ever taken? Probably not.

See, you’ve published a book, put it for sale, or are planning to. The second you push that button you’re a business.  Here’s the thing, people can and will decide they despise a business for any reason they please.  Perhaps your product is shoddy. Could be you have a repulsive personality and would best be served not dealing with the public. Or it may be that it’s nothing you did. Maybe Amazon didn’t send the file correctly.  The buyer might have decided to read your book Demon Hounds from Hell on the day after their own dog ran off.  Heck, you might have just stuck your nose out at the wrong place and wrong time.

It doesn’t matter.  Either way you look at it, someone somewhere will decide they hate something about you. When this happens there are a few actions you might be tempted to take.

Let's discuss a few and, more importantly, why they're really stupid ideas.

- Write a blog post detailing all the horrible people out there who hate your book.  Yeah, that’ll show the meanies. They can’t mess with you. You’re a writer!  Words are your sword and shield.

There's just one problem. You'll notice you don’t see Best Buy or Target  writing blog posts about people who hate their stores, do you?  Why?  Because it’s a stupid thing to do.  People don’t particularly care for crybabies and they really don’t like to be called out.  If you name and shame people A, B, and C, then people D, E, and G may just pass on your wares, no matter how tempting they may look. They’ll assume if you have no problem calling out one group, you may just be the type to do it again. Why would someone go through that hassle when they can easily shop elsewhere?

- Jump into that forum post, conversation, or review and give them a piece of your mind.  Do you want to know a secret?  Fine, I'll tell you.  Nobody is jealous of you for just writing a book.  Get that out of your skull.  You strung words together, that’s it.  Yay, a chimpanzee with a typewriter could do the same thing.

If you make a million dollars with that book then people might be jealous, but by then why would you care?  Haven’t you made your point?

Don’t feel the need to defend your work.  If it's any good, it’ll stand on its own.  If it’s not, you won’t be able to argue people into believing otherwise.  Similarly, you’re unlikely to win the hearts of the masses by telling your detractors how illiterate they are for not understanding the complexities of your magnum opus.  Go figure, people don’t appreciate being told they’re stupid. What a world we live in.

- Paint yourself as a victim, using juicy buzzwords like Bully, Criminal, or Cyberterrorist.  Really? Please tell me you didn't actually think of doing that.  There are people out there who are true victims of crimes.  Congratulations, you just spit in their collective faces.

Now you're probably thinking this is tempting because people love to rally behind victims. There are people all over the internet pouring out their hearts for the downtrodden. The issue here is that if you aren't quite the victim you paint yourself out to be then eventually your house of cards will come tumbling down.  People aren't stupid.  Some will want to get the whole story and when they do, they won’t be overly pleased to find out that you’ve decided to confuse author with professional victim.

Also consider the long term. Even if people do feel bad for you, how long will that last?  Is that truly the way to build a long term audience?  Doubtful as eventually those unread pity sales will dry up, leaving you wondering why people aren't flocking to your subsequent efforts.

- Seek out communities dedicated to fighting back.  There’s a website out there, I won’t name or link to them, but let’s just say their initials start with ST and end with GRB.  They’re a collective dedicated to stamping out all those horrible monsters that are destroying writers’ lives.  Another way of looking at that, though, might be: targeting people they’ve decided are responsible for their own personal failures.

Don’t believe the hype. As an author, consider what types of other authors you want to associate with. There are those who are dedicated to improving their craft, putting out better books, and growing their audience (however slowly). Conversely there are those who would rather bemoan their lack of success and point fingers. Consider your choice carefully here.

Even if you somehow decide that groups like these are a swell bunch, I would ask you to consider the logic there. You’d effectively be aligning with a group that is hoping to silence a portion of the population. Not cool for a purveyor of words. Even worse, you’d be a business that’s effectively trying to stamp out those you think are bad for sales...i.e. potential customers.

Imagine a collective of neighborhood stores banding together to crush those who say things they don’t like. Say something negative about Bob’s Butcher Shop, and the next day your name and home address might be posted on the walls of these businesses along with whatever nastiness they care to label you with.  As a customer, would you ever want to do business with these people?  Hell, maybe Bob is a freaking great butcher, but perhaps it makes sense to just drive to the next town over because you’d rather not give your money to someone like that. His burgers might be good, but they're probably not that good.

There are plenty of other examples, but hopefully you get my point.  Even if common sense and/or decency doesn’t tell you these are bad ideas, try thinking strategically for the long term. Always ask yourself whether today's petty victory is jeopardizing your plans for tomorrow.

That being said, now that we've gone over some of the things you shouldn’t do, what about the other side? There are so many do nots here, what should a writer actually do?  Well, I’ll tell you.

GET OVER IT!

Simple, no?

Take a deep breath and sleep on it. Let the heat of the moment pass. Today's crisis can often seem minor tomorrow.

Concentrate on the important things. Put out more books. Become better at your craft. Let your stories speak for you. Redirect that anger toward dedication to not giving up. The best way to "show them", if that is indeed what you feel you must do, is not to call them names - a five year old could do that.  It's to become better, to rise above it, to succeed despite the odds.

I’m not advocating rolling over and letting people trample on you.  There are some that claim advice such as this is an admitting of defeat, of acknowledging that we have no voice other than our books.

Bullshit I say. I prefer to think of it as being smart and not picking pointless fights in which there will ultimately be just one loser...you.

Seriously, you’re a professional author now or you soon will be.  You have stake in the game.  The only one who will truly be hurt by any shenanigans that backfire is you.  Sure, maybe you got in a good insult to that meanie reviewer, but guess what...they’re not selling a product, you are.

Always remember: if people decide your behavior speaks ill of you, then that next book they decide to not purchase might just be yours.

Damned if I do...

During probably all of our lifetimes we’ll be asked, at one time or another, various “would you...” questions.

Would you ever kill someone?
Would you ever leave me?
Would you ever do what that person on the news did?
Would you ever drive a busload of screaming orphans off a bridge?

And other similar such queries. These always get me into trouble because I always go for the right answer as opposed to the intelligent one. See, whenever I get posed a question with the word "ever" in it, my mind immediately jumps to possibilities - lots of them, often times completely absurd ones.

If I find even one scenario where the above might hold true then as far as I’m concerned the answer is yes. The problem being that I will ALWAYS find at least a few, because in my mind the word ever implies exactly that - infinite possibilities. Thus, in the case of, say, that last one above, if the screaming orphans were all foaming at the mouth rabid and releasing them into the town I was driving through would cause untold horrors then YES I would drive them off a bridge. I would do so happily, knowing I was doing the world a great service.

It doesn't matter if the chances of me finding myself in that situation are somewhat less than 1% (or even 1% of 1%), the answer is thus still yes. Unfortunately, despite my explaining this reasoning, people will nearly always jump to the conclusion that yes means yes 100% of the time. Therefore, if I consider that maybe I might kill someone if they were threatening my family, that turns into me being a wild-eyed psycho who’s just itching for an excuse to turn into the Punisher.

Now the obvious solution to this dilemma is to just answer no and move on with my life, as most likely that's the answer someone is really looking for. The thing is, I prefer to be truthful.  Despite being a fiction writer, staking my career on the ability to spread convincing bullshit, I don’t like to lie. Therefore the safe answer is, in my mind, completely untrue. Thus if I even consider doing so it should negate any faith you have in me to answer it honestly - making me a fucking liar.

ARGH!! 

Do you see the conundrum?

Why can’t people just be specific in these questions?  That would solve the entire thing.

“Rick, would you stomp a bucket of harmless, completely normal kittens into paste just because you decided to find out what the noise of their squishing sounded like?”

That one’s easy.  It’s no, because I’m not a nutcase who’s walking around wearing steel-toed boots in the hopes of coming across a bucket of kittens in need of turning into chunky, fur-encrusted wine.

Reword it slightly, though, and I can imagine a world in which a group of terrorists are holding school children hostage and their demands to keep from blowing those kids to smithereens involve me clog dancing in a tub of cats. The question now answered in the affirmative, I am therefore forever rendered in someone's mind as that weirdo who likes stepping on kitties.

As I said, the truthful answer isn't always the smart one.

Oh well. Maybe one day I'll wise up and compromise. Maybe if any answer I can think of has a less then a 5% chance of happening, then the answer should be no. It'll still be a lie of sorts, but it would at least be 95% truthful. That's not too bad is it?

Yeah. Like Han Solo said..."Never tell me the odds." *sigh*

I'm a Real Boy Now!

Well sorta anyway...

I've officially taken the plunge and have incorporated as Freewill Press LLC. That means from here on in I'll be taking this stuff seriously.

Well okay, that's pretty much bullshit.  I've been taking it seriously ever since I hit publish on my first book. Even though I've made a ton of stupid mistakes along the way, my goal has been to learn and get better.  In short, from the start I've tried to treat this as a profession not a goof.

That out of the way, why don't we start with what it doesn't mean? For starters it doesn't mean I'm going to stop writing my ass off. All the funky business names in the world won't mean squat if all I'm doing is placing myself in the poor house because I decided to neglect the most important part of the equation. Secondly, name aside, I'm not planning on becoming a publisher for anyone who isn't me (or my alleged alter ego, Cole Vance).  So kindly hold off on sending me those manuscripts, unless you really enjoy waiting for big cash advances that aren't ever coming. I mean I can send you a fistful of Monopoly money if it makes you feel better, but I imagine it won't.

So why take this step now?  I mean, if I wasn't laughing under my breath before, why introduce the added pain in the ass of quarterly tax returns (and believe me, if you live in NJ they will keep haunting you for those long after the sun has burnt itself out)?

There are definite business reasons for doing so. Asset protection is most certainly one of them. I mean I write raunchy comedy.  Sooner or later I'm probably gonna piss someone off with it. I imagine that'll be a lot easier to laugh at later in life if they don't wind up with possession of everything I own in the process.

Most of all, though, it's a symbolic step for me.  Kind of like tying the knot with the person you've been living with the past 6 years.  I mean does anything really change (other than they can now divorce your procrastinating ass and take you to the cleaners)?  In my case, not really.  My Tome of Bill series will continue to be published via the awesome folks at Wayman Publishing for the foreseeable future.  As for my other books, they'll fall under the FP logo. However, that's really not much more than a text change.  Kinda the equivalent of labeling your underwear with a different colored pen.

I am in the process of retooling some of my work under my own ISBNs, but that's behind the scenes only - the hope being I can get a slightly wider distribution for my paperbacks.

If anything, the true reason behind it is more of a subtle mindset change for me. Think of taking that proverbial step over the point of no return. I'm committed now, which means I'm here to stay and I'm going to start thinking strategically even if I have to bash my head in with a rock to get those thoughts to the surface (kinda hoping not, though, on that one).

So here's a toast to that mindset change, planning for the long haul, and the hope that Murphy's Law doesn't decide that now is the perfect time to knock on my door to give me a well-deserved ass kicking.

Update: I have a logo now, courtesy of the awesome Mallory Rock. Woo!

Marketing Advice for the Writing Newb

Last year I put up a blog post regarding What Not to do When You’re a Writing Newb.  It turned out to be one of my more popular posts and I've gotten several requests for a follow-up...which I fully intended to do months before now, but just never got around to finishing - mostly because I’m a lazy ass.

It’s probably a good thing I never finished it. My perspectives have changed a bit in the ensuing months and I hate to go back to an old blog post and cringe at how stupid younger Rick was. The good thing is that the original advice I had planned to dole out has been greatly simplified. What was to have been a tome of legendary hot air can now be succinctly summarized in just a few short sentences.

To be fair, though, I have included my original (unfinished) post at the bottom, lest you care to slog through it to see if you can scrape any insight from it.  If you find it useful, that’s great.  If not...well I did warn you, didn't I?

That aside, here are my thoughts on successful marketing:

BE ORIGINAL: Here’s the problem with following the advice of those with influence, everyone else is doing it too.  Once upon a time spamming twitter with book ads was genius because it was new.  Now, it’s just a good way to be lost amongst the noise.  Effective marketing is NOT doing what everyone else is.  Effective marketing is finding something that nobody else is doing and making it your own.  Cover your bases (fill out your book details, have a good webpage, make sure your profiles point to the appropriate things), then find something and make it yours.  I can’t tell you what that is, otherwise I’d already be doing it myself.

DON’T PISS PEOPLE OFF: You’d think this would be an obvious one, but it’s not.  My first point above won’t work for you if you find that “your thing” involves making people hate you.  Before you do anything online to market your book, step back and ask yourself “would this piss me off if I was on the other end?”  If the answer is yes, then perhaps you should avoid it like the filthy, disease-ridden dung pile that it is.

BE LUCKY:  And here’s where I lose you all.  Successful marketing is hard work, originality, persistence...and a healthy dollop of luck.  The downside is that you can’t force luck to happen.  The upside is that you can skew the results in your favor by doing the above.  Find your own thing.  Be engaging.  Keep writing and getting better at it.  The longer you do these things, the more you add a chance at the roulette wheel of life falling on your number.  Are there any guarantees? Hell no, but hey that’s what life is all about.  Opportunity does not equal a sure thing, but the more you work at it the better chance you have.

And that's it! Simple, no?  Well, actually NO is the correct answer. Marketing isn't simple. If it was, we'd all be millionaires by now. The road isn't paved with gold, my friend...but if you're willing to dig for it you might just find some.

Now you know...so get working on it!

Just to be fair and make sure you don’t feel gypped by the word count of this post, here’s what were to be my original thoughts. Make of them as you will...

********

“What do I do now?” That’s a question I see pop up several times a week on the various author discussion forums that I frequent.  Some new up and comer has written the next great thing, a book destined to win over the hearts of millions. Unfortunately, they’re now learning the whole “build it and they will come” paradigm isn't always the best strategy.  Sure they may have really written the next best thing, but the problem is that nobody knows about it. So it is with many of us in this business, even for those who have been doing it for years. 

Alas, writing an instant best seller is possible for a first time writer.  However, the consensus appears to be that this requires a near lottery-winning (or soul-selling if you’re a pessimist) level of luck. 

While some take a curmudgeonly “let them figure out to sell their own damn books” attitude, I tend to be a softie at hear.  So pull up a log and let me tell you a thing or two.

Before I start, I shall give the caveat that this isn't exhaustive.  There are plenty of resources out there, I haven’t tried them all.  I also offer any apologies in advance.  I’m sure there are some brilliant bits of insight that I've gleaned that I've simply forgotten the source.  Hey, I’m only human.  There’s only so much room in my mind.  Occasionally I need to do some housekeeping to make room for a new monster story.  Sure I may not remember when my birthday is anymore, but that’s okay.  It sucks to get older anyway...

Oh yeah, I’m also going to try to avoid doing any trashing here.  I’m just going to mention what I liked, not what I didn't.  If you’re curious if I've ready Book X or checked out blog Y, you can either email me or ask me in the comments.  There’s a good chance the answer is “No.” but if I did, I’ll give you my thoughts on it.

For starters, (assuming your book is finished, polished, edited etc) before you do anything go and start setting up your social media accounts.  Even if you’re not using them, you’ll be reserving your name and be ready to dive in.  Minimally you should sign up for a twitter account.  I would recommend you either use your real name, your pen name, or pick a catchy nickname, but always identify yourself in some way.  Put in a description and a photograph.  Sorry to say it but this is the internet; anonymity is an illusion.  Might as well not even try to fool yourself into thinking otherwise.  Besides which, nobody wants to follow a “Mr. X” these days.

Others you might want to consider signing up for now: Facebook, Google+, and Goodreads.  There are plenty of others, but these are a good starter set.  Now onto the meat of the marketing...

Books: These are the great equalizers.  They’ll give you far more tips that just one blog post.  While they probably won’t net you millions, they’ll bring you up to speed to get started with the rest. There are tons of “How I made more money than God by selling e-books” books out there for sale.  Some are good, some not so much.  I’ve read a few of them.  Regardless, I would suggest you find one by an actual best selling author.  At least they know what they’re talking about.

My favorite is: How To Really Sell Ebooks by Jon F. Merz.   Why?  Because there is simply no bs in the book.  It’s short.  Very short.  There’s a small part of me that’s convinced that Jon is the superior marketer simply because he got me to plunk down the cash for something that is essentially pamphlet length.  However, this is a good thing.  There is absolutely no fluff in this book. Just steps in the process.  It’s laid out in a way that I almost think Jon should have titled it the Ebook Cheatsheet.  I don’t think there’s been a simpler formula since South Park introduced us to Step 1: Underpants, Step 2: ??, Step 3: Profit!

Runner up: Michael Hick’s The Path to Self Publishing Success.  Also short and to the point, like Merz's book.

Hint: Some of these books occasionally go on sale.  If you have the patience, see if you can snag them when they do.

Blogs: So you’re a cheapskate eh?  Don’t want to plunk down your sheckles to enrich the coffers of authors more experienced than you?  Well first off, lose that attitude, Bucky!  There’s nothing wrong with supporting your fellow writers.  Show them some love and you’ll get some in return.

That being said, whether you go the book route there’s also tons of good information to be found in various writers’ blogs.  There is simply no frakking way I can list all of the wonderful writing blogs out there.  Sorry, can’t be done.  I don’t have nearly the attention span to even try.  Instead I’ll just list a few that I find to be useful. 

Joe Konrath's, A Newbie’s Guide to Self Publishing.  
Chuck Wendig's, Terrible Minds
Michael Hick’s blog

There’re literally books upon books of useful information in these blogs.  Just be forewarned, you can easily lose a month or more in these places.  Don’t be surprised if you start reading and when you finally finish you emerge to find the shattered remains of post-apocalyptic society around you.  If that happens, be careful of the C.H.U.D.s.

As I said before, there’s a shitload of great author blogs out there.  My advice: after your eyeballs have healed from reading the above go and try to find some authors from your own genre (assuming it’s different than the above) and give a look see.  Chances are you’ll find some useful insight.

Social Media: The meat and potatoes of where you’ll be starting out.  This includes twitter, facebook, and any of dozens of online forums where people congregate.  However, in all of these places there are a few simple rules for success:

• Be a real person. Engage, discuss, and give back. Sorry to say, but it’s not all about you.  You have to give to get, and that will only happen if people think you’re not just some marketing bot.
• Do not spam!  All that email you got this AM?  Yeah, you hate it don’t you.  Well guess what, people are going to hate you if you suddenly get all in their face with “BUY MY BOOK!”  Every forum has rules.  Respect them and respect the people in them. There is a time and place to market. 
• Learn to lose with grace. Not everyone will love your book. Some people hate the Harry Potter books. It happens. Learn from it and use it to grow. A beginning author who develops a reputation of attacking their detractors won’t go very far, regardless of your talent.

Start Creating!  Research is great and all, but it’s not going to go out there and market for you.  You need to get out there and make a mark for yourself.  Don’t worry if you’re starting small and the only one reading your updates is your mom because she felt the need to give you a pity follow on Twitter.  We've all been there.  Unless you’re one of those supremely lucky people (in which case, I hate you) you’re not starting out at the top.  People are not going to just drop their coins in your hat just because you put out a blog post entitled “The single greatest accomplishment by mankind, my book, is now out!”  You need to earn it, son! 

Random Acts of Kindness Blogfest: The Man in The Green Station Wagon

Welcome to the Random Acts of Kindness Blogfest, sponsored by the awesome folks at Wayman Publishing. This is a different kind of blogging event than you normally see.  No in-your-face marketing for a change (please ignore the obnoxious 'Now Available' sidebar to the left :) - just some positive stories about people who made a difference.

I invite you to click the link for the fest and check out the other blogs participating.  Hopefully they bring a smile to your day.  And if they inspire you even slightly, well then the world will be a brighter place tomorrow.

And now, without further ado...

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Contrary to popular belief, not everyone who grows up at the Jersey Shore is either well-off or an overly-tanned, under-brained moron.  Once upon a time, houses were bought by normal people for a comparatively modest price down in the smaller summer towns.  I grew up in one such small town and times weren’t always wonderful.

My parents divorced when I was around ten.  My father eventually moved to Pennsylvania. Once there, he more or less did a poor job of keeping up with his financial obligations to the family he left behind (including me and my younger sister).  My mother tried for a while, but eventually she began to develop a fondness for beverages of the hops-laden variety. After a while it caught up to her (and thus the rest of us).  We managed okay for a time, at least long enough for me to become old enough to hold down a part-time job.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all doom and gloom, but there were definitely dark times during this period.

I remember a particularly bright point during one such time. It only happened once, but it stayed with me ever since.  Things weren’t going so well for us that year.  The bank account had run dry.  The mortgage was overdue, and my small paycheck was being whisked away the second I got it.  It was supposedly going toward household expenses, but I knew it was mostly going elsewhere (alas, I was a meek kid who didn’t speak up nearly as much as I should have).

Anyway, one day a man driving a green station wagon pulled up to our door.  Without saying anything other than a cursory greeting, he opened the trunk of his car and unloaded it - a full load of groceries and then some.  It was so random, but so awesome at the same time.  This person who didn’t know us at all had just dropped off several weeks’ worth of food and household goods.

Curious, I asked around in the coming days.  The story I heard was that he had done quite well for himself.  Supposedly (I say that because he was apparently a bit of a urban legend by the time we met him) he’d invested heavily in Chrysler in the days when the company stock had dropped to a pittance. Then when Lee Iacocca came in and turned it all around, he wound up making a killing off of it.  Rather than moving himself into a big house and living the good life, though, he instead retired and decided to give back to the community.  He’d ask around town and learn of people in need. Then every day he’d fill up his big green station wagon with groceries and do a similar drop off to what he did with us.

He never asked for thanks, and in truth the one time I ran into him at the grocery store and tried to express such he looked at me like I had two heads.  I suspect that might have been purposeful, though, and I think I can understand why.  Regardless, he made a difference to many families in need, mine included - one I will never forget.

Thank you, man in the green station wagon.

Toilet Humor

Recently I was asked why I didn't include a photo on the jacket of my paperbacks. The obvious answer should probably be because I’m not someone who most people probably feel the need to stare at, and until I start working out again that’s probably a good thing for all of us. Of course the temptation is there to photoshop myself onto a beefcake body, add more hair, maybe give my eyes a more stunning color, et cetera, but somehow I resist the urge.

The real answer (much like all real answers) is a bit more complicated, though.  See, I used to.  If you’re one of the dozen or so people who picked up the original paperback of Bigfoot Hunters, you may have noticed my smiling mug creepily leering at you from the back cover...assuming you didn't think someone had perhaps shaved one of the titular monsters and put it back there as a cruel joke to society.  It’s okay if you did. I often have to wear a sign whenever I visit the Bronx Zoo that reads “Not an exhibit!” I’m used to these sorts of things.

Anyhow, I didn't leave it there for long. When next I revised the cover, gone was my grinning visage. In its place I left a dark vortex of mystery in which you, the reader, can use your imagination to consider what foul creatures might be lurking there...or in other words, some blank space.  Hey, I never claimed to be a master of graphic design.

This is partially because of what I mentioned above.  The other part is a bit more - disturbing.  See, in a bid to get people to stop laughing whenever I pathetically mewled, “Hey, I wrote a book!” in a desperate cry for attention (daddy, why didn't you love me!?), I handed out a few paperbacks I had lying around. I figured that at minimum I’d get a few, “Fine, you wrote a book. Do you want a medal?” replies.

Much to my joy, though, one of my friends told me a few weeks later that he’d started Bigfoot Hunters and was impressed.  He said it was great bathroom reading.  Oh well, not quite the set of Masterpiece Theater, but as long as he was enjoying it...

But he didn't stop there.   He had to also point out that there was one little bit of weirdness for him.  To paraphrase, “I noticed your picture on the back cover.  So while I’m reading, it’s kind of like you’re there staring at my junk while I take a shit.”

*sigh*

And that was the beginning of the end for me.  Much like a bad song, his words stuck in my mind - repeating themselves over and over again, to the point where I would have gladly replaced them with a lifetime of Justin Bieber music playing in my skull (well maybe not going that far).

Even worse I had to consider the old concept, supposedly held by primitive peoples around the world, of photos stealing one’s soul.  What if that were true? What if every book I sold contained a little piece of me on the back cover...a little piece that was forever doomed to watch people poop?

Alas, I couldn't take that chance...even for those parts of my soul that are kind of assholes and probably deserve it.  Thus I chose to remove my photo to save myself from such a fate as well as spare you, dear reader, from having my disembodied head staring at you while your pants are down.  You’re welcome.

Of course this doesn't save you from the countless other tomes you might have lying around.  Me either, now that I think of it. Great!  Now I’m gonna have to take duct tape to ALL of my paperbacks...especially those ones by Dean Koontz in his porno-stache phase (shudder).

Yeah, I think I’m gonna stick to ebooks too from now on...

Big @ss Book Giveaway, through May 15th.

I am pleased to be a part of a massive springtime book giveaway hosted by best selling author Elle Casey, a fabulous writer, overall wonderful person, and someone who can crank out a good book in about the time it takes me to decide what to have for breakfast.

So that's all well and good, you may be thinking, but what's in it for me?

That's an easy one.

There are 190 different titles across multiple genres available in the giveaway.  In total over 1500 books are up for grabs.

Of course this includes yours truly.

So what I am bringing to the table?  I'm glad you asked.  I'm offering 2 tiers of prizes.  You can enter to win a free ebook copy of Bill The Vampire in the format of your choice.

That being said, if you're already here, there might be a slightly better than average chance you've already taken a look at it.  Arrogant of me to assume, I know, but allow me the indulgence -  it's been a long week.

One lucky winner, though, will receive the full Tome of Bill series to date, books 1-4, in paperback.  That includes:

Bill The Vampire
Scary Dead Things
The Mourning Woods
and my latest
Holier Than Thou

Heck I'm in a good mood, so I'll offer up this. They'll be autographed copies. Easily a $50,000 value (in my mind at least), all for the price of...nothing!

Be the "envy" (I obviously have a loose definition of that word) of your friends as you proudly display these treasures on your bookshelf, coffee table, or toilet tank.  Whatever floats your boat.

And while you're there, be sure to check out the other entries as well. There are some awesome picks to be had in just about any genre you might like.

You can enter HERE.  

Be quick, the giveaway is only open between May 10th through May 15th. Dawdle at your own risk.

To enter for the ebooks, look under the title Bill The Vampire.  For the paperback grand prize of awesomeness, look for The Tome of Bill.

Good luck and happy reading!