My name is Rick Gualtieri and I am privy to a secret that few mortals know; a secret which, if it got out, could change the face of civilization as we know it...maybe. You see vampires, monsters, and magic all exist. There is an unbelievable underworld that exists right beneath our noses that most of us never notice...and if we’re lucky never notices us in return. I’ve been lucky enough to have journeyed into that underworld and lived to tell the tale. Even better, one of their kind has taken me under his wing, so to speak, and allowed me to spread his story to the world so that others may know his tale.
What follows is a series of interviews I conducted over the past several months as I researched material for my books. I have copied them here verbatim from the tapes I made of our sessions.
Read Session 2: Death Never Looked so Good
Read Session 3: Bad Things Come in Small Packages
Read Session 4: Normalcy is Overrated
Read Session 5: The Wicked Witch of the East(coast)
Session 1: A Fucked-up Interview with the Vampire
Me: Please state your name and tell me a little bit about yourself.
Bill: My name is Bill Ryder, William Anderson Ryder actually. Dig how my initials spell out WAR.
Me: Does anyone actually call you that?
Bill: Well no. But it’s still kind of cool.
Me: If you say so. So what are you, Bill?
Bill: Well I’m one of the senior game programmers at HotScotchGames. They’re an online gaming company. Their best seller is...
Me: Not quite what I meant.
Bill: Oh, sorry. Not sure why you’re asking me. Haven’t we already gone over this before?
Me: Yes. But this is an interview, remember? A way to clear the air about your life, etc etc.
Bill: Ok ok. Don’t get your panties in a bunch. I’m a vampire.
Me: A real vampire, correct?
Bill: No. I’m just some delusional dipshit who likes to wear capes, talk in a eurotrash accent, and dump glitter all over myself. Of course I’m a real vampire. (opens mouth and extends fangs) Do these look real to you?
Me: Quite real. So tell me a little about vampires, then. For starters, what’s it like to live forever?
Bill: Dude, I’m twenty-five.
Me: But you’re immortal, right?
Bill: I guess so but right now I’m younger than you...by a fair amount I might add.
Me: Fine. Perhaps that’s a question for another day. So then what about your family and friends? Do they know you’re a vampire?
Bill: Are you kidding? Mom and dad freak out about enough shit as it is. My friends know about it, though. They’re cool with it.
Me: What about any significant others?
Me: Are you seeing anyone?
Bill: Well...yeah...kinda. I’m not really sure. It’s complicated.
Bill: She doesn’t really know we’re dating yet. Happy?
Me: (sighs) Ok, whatever that means. So back to vampires before we completely get off track here...
Bill: Oh yeah, sorry. So anyway, some of the stuff you’ve read about vampires or seen in the movies is real but just as much of it is total bullshit.
Me: Care to elaborate?
Bill: Sure. There’s that living forever thing. There’s also sunlight. If sunlight hits us we go all sparkly...as in sparkly like a Roman fucking candle. We’re talking BBQ city here. Vampires also disintegrate into ash when you kill them. Buffy, Blade, and From Dusk Til Dawn all got that part right, and as far as I’m concerned that’s about the extent of vampire related entertainment that’s worth watching.
Me: I kinda liked The Lost Boys.
Bill: Awww. Did you have a poster of Rob Lowe in your bedroom growing up?
Me: Err...anyway, getting back on track, what vampire lore is actually incorrect?
Bill: Lots of it. For starters forget all that shit about mirrors. If I look in a mirror you know what I see? My face staring out of it, that’s what. Then there’s garlic. Garlic is the same as with people. Some of us love it, some hate it. Personally I think some garlic salt in a glass of blood is pretty killer tasting. What else? Oh yeah there’s also crosses.
Me: Crosses don’t work?
Bill: Exactly! Crosses don’t do jack by themselves. I could strip naked and roll around in a box of crosses and it wouldn’t do a damn thing.
Me: Thanks for the imagery.
Bill: No problem. The thing is it’s all about belief. If you believe in a cross enough, it’ll work. However, that applies to just about anything. If your mom believes in her dildo enough...*wham*...instant vampire slayer.
Me: Fascinating. Moving on, you’re the head of a clan of vampires correct?
Bill: Coven. It’s called a coven of vampires.
Me: Aren’t covens for witches?
Bill: That’s what I thought. But no...oh and don’t get me started on witches. My roommate, Tom, is dating one and what a fucking psycho bitch she is. The other day....
Me: I’ll be talking to Tom in another interview, so we can cover it then. Back to your coven.
Bill: (sighs) Fine! You don’t want to hear my story, that’s just dandy. Fuck you too, dude.
Me: Your coven?
Bill: Yeah yeah. It’s called Village Coven because it’s located in the Village section of NYC. Real fucking original name isn’t it? Anyway, I wound up in charge after snuffing the previous head, a douchebag named Jeff, who just so happens to be the reason I’m going to spend all of eternity sucking down bloodclots.
Me: You killed Jeff? According to my notes...
Bill: Does it really matter!? As far as the record goes, yes I killed Jeff, not Sally, me!
Me: Ok ok. No need to get your bat wings all ruffled.
Bill: Don’t make me smack you.
Me: I’ve heard some of the others I’ve spoken to refer to you as a Freewill. What is that exactly?
Bill: Yeah, it’s another stupid name, vampires seem to have a thing for them. But anyway the long and short of it is that it stands for the fact that I can’t be controlled by other vamps.
Me: That’s odd, because I heard you talking on the phone to another vampire...Sally, I believe...and it sounded a lot like...
Bill: No, that’s just her being a bossy bitch. I mean mind control. Older vampires can actually control younger vampires psychically. It’s called compulsion and pretty much all vampires can do it if they’re old enough. I’m the lone exception. It doesn’t work on me. Hence, freewill.
Me: That could be handy.
Bill: Tell me about it. Vampires are a freaky bunch. Last thing I want is one of them getting into a mood and trying to command me to eat dog shit or suck his dick. No sir!
Me: Is that all there is to it?
Bill: No. It’s got some other perks too. For example, I can drink another vampire’s blood. Before you say anything to that you need to forget any shit you’ve seen on pay cable. It doesn’t work that way in real life. A normal vampire drinking another vampire’s blood is kind of like you downing a bottle of draino. Once again, except for me. Somehow I’m able to drink another vamp’s blood and not only do I not wind up puking my guts out, but it actually kind of amps me up for a while. I mean we’re talking Hulk Smash shit here.
Me: And there’s the prophesy too, right?
Bill: Which one? Apparently there’s a ton of Freewill prophecies out there both inside and outside of the vampire community. All crap as far as I’m concerned. This ain’t Hogwarts and my last name isn’t Potter. They can all take their prophecies and shove them so far up their asses that...
Me: Thank you for that wonderful mental picture, I’m sure. Bill, it’s been a pleasure speaking with you.
Bill: That’s it!? Don’t you want to know anything cool...like all the babes I’ve...
Me: That’s quite alright. I have enough for this interview.
Bill: Jeez! No wonder nobody reads your stupid ass blog.
Bill Ryder is the main character in my books:
Bill The Vampire
Scary Dead Things
You can also follow Bill's day to day adventures on Facebook
Please be sure to join me for the next installment of my interviews from the vampire underworld. Until next time...