Goddamned Freaky Monsters (the Tome of Bill, part 5) has been released.

I am pleased to finally announce that Goddamned Freaky Monsters (The Tome of Bill, part 5) has been released! I've been waiting a while to write that and damn does it feel good.

That means you have even more potential story fodder to enter the
The Worlds of Bill Fanfic Contest.

So what are you waiting for?

Need more incentive? Oh okay, well how about another teaser chapter to whet your appetite?"

---

I stepped back out of the office, still a little wobbly, but infinitely better prepared.

“...BRING THE ABOMINATION TO ME!!”

The ass end of the compulsion whispered in my mind. It had obviously been directed elsewhere, probably to my three bewitched comrades. Sure enough, I caught Firebird’s tight little rear disappearing just as the stairwell door closed on it.

The fucker who’d made the compulsion faced the doorway where he’d sent his new minions. He slowly turned back toward me, no doubt sensing my reappearance.

That same bemused grin appeared on his face, and he spoke once more. I didn’t need to be a linguist to appreciate the mocking tone. Once more, he ended things with that annoying father-sounding word.

“Oh yeah? Well, Daddy’s here to give you a permanent timeout, asshole.” A grin appeared on my own face as I lifted the massive weapon and pointed it straight at him.

I’d gotten lucky. Starlight hadn’t really changed much of anything, including the contents of Sally’s drawers. One of them had still contained my former partner’s favorite response to unwanted pickup lines - a Desert Eagle loaded with silver-tipped bullets. Oh yeah. Now we were cooking with gas.

I grasped it with both hands, remembering how I’d almost knocked out my own teeth the last time I’d fired it - ending up looking like Dirty Harry’s dipshit cousin.

Tarzan the Ape Vamp raised one eyebrow, but continued grinning. A small shiver of fear crept up my spine. Did this guy think he was so tough that a load of high caliber...

Then I remembered he’d spent God knows how long locked away like a prisoner. It was quite possible he didn’t even know what a gun was.

Well, if that were the case, then it was time to go to school.

I put pressure on the trigger. I’d seen this guy move. If he went to warp nine and appeared in front of me again, I wanted to make sure there was a photon torpedo waiting for him. Fuck that Picard Maneuver bullshit.

He stepped forward and blathered more nonsense. Another idea hit me as he continued yammering. If it worked, then it was surely lights out for Mr. Muscles. The time for taking chances was over. I’d accidentally let this guy out to play, and my friend had paid for it with his life. He was going down, and I was making sure he stayed there this time.

“No habla, hombre,” I said, taking a step to my left.

Come on...

He took a step to mirror my own. Yes! No matter what timeframe you might hail from, the rules of a standoff apparently apply.

“That’s right, gruesome,” I continued, keeping my voice steady. One of the lessons I’d taken to heart as a vampire was that appearance was everything. Play the role of the bad cop convincingly enough, and people will fall in line to believe it. Show a bit of weakness and the masses will be all over you like hyenas on a rotting corpse. “Be a good little vamp and papa will let you play with his Red Rider BB gun.”

We continued to circle in a clockwise manner.

Just a wee bit more.

“WHY DO YOU STAND AGAINST ME, LITTLE BROTHER?!”

The compulsion was subtle, with no force to it. It seemed that Ator the Fighting Eagle had likewise come to the conclusion that it was the only way we were going to communicate.

Little brother? What the fuck kind of family issues did this shithead have? I swear, if he called me “Mommy” next, I was outta there.

Finally!

The big dummy took one more step, which put his back to the windows he’d blown out upon his arrival. It was time to pay the piper.

“I’M NOT YOUR BROTHER, YOUR FATHER, OR YOUR UNCLE BUCK. WHAT I AM IS THE BADDEST MOTHERFUCKER YOU’RE EVER GOING TO MEET. THE NAME IS DR. DEATH...”

I smiled ever wider. “AND THIS IS MY BOOMSTICK!!”

---

There are reasons we fear the night. Now he's trying to stop them.

Three months have passed since the fateful encounter in New York City that ended with the disappearance of Bill Ryder - gamer, geek, and legendary vampire. Now he's back - reawakened halfway across the globe with no allies, clothing, or clue as to how he got there. The only thing he's certain of is that his captors plan to use him for their own nefarious ends and don't care how much blood they spill in the process.

Escape might be the least of his worries, though. Civilization teeters on the brink of chaos. Mythical beasts, once thought the stuff of fantasy, are breaking through the veil, intent on waging war against mankind. At their forefront stands an ancient evil, the last remnant of a people thought long dead, and it's about to cut a swath of destruction through the world not seen since biblical times.

Bill's only chance is to reclaim his life, reconcile with his friends, and muster every bit of attitude he can - because if he fails, Hell on Earth will become far more than just a corny saying.

*****

Goddamned Freaky Monsters (the Tome of Bill, part 5) is 105k words of foul-mouthed horror hilarity by Rick Gualtieri, author of Holier Than Thou and Bigfoot Hunters

Available now for
Kindle
Nook
Kobo
Google Play
Smashwords

Coming soon to iBooks

The Worlds of Bill Fanfic Contest - win big prizes and get published

Announcing The Worlds of Bill Fanfic Contest!

As the launch of Goddamned Freaky Monsters nears, I sit here amazed at how far the Tome of Bill has come since the release of Bill The Vampire. One thing is certain, though, I couldn't have done it without the support of all you wonderful people out there reading this.

Therefore I figure it’s high time to give a little back. What better way to do so than by handing the reins over?  You've seen how I do it, now it’s your chance to show the world how you would do it.

Announcing the Worlds of Bill Fanfic Contest.

What is fanfic?  Well it’s the joy of some and the bane of others. It is, in short, taking what exists and running with it - often times in ways that the creator could (or would) never imagine.

Some writers scowl at it, others ignore it, and still others embrace it as a labor of love by some exceptionally awesome fans.  I prefer to place myself in that latter camp.

As my way of showing enthusiasm, I’m offering a chance to win some big prizes. All you have to do is show me what you've got...in story form.

1) Grand Prize winner will:

• Win the awesome sum of $300 cash money!*
• Have their winning entry published as a bonus story in the upcoming Tome of Bill Compendium (volume 2).
• Receive a signed copy of the Goddamned Freaky Monsters paperback

1 First Prize winner will:

• Win the slightly less awesome, but still pretty cool sum of $150
• Receive a signed copy of the Goddamned Freaky Monsters paperback

1 Runner-up will:

• Win a $50 Amazon Gift Certificate

All finalists will:

• Be published on this blog for the world to see, enjoy, and cast baleful judgement upon.

*Note: might be a check

How to Enter:

1. Write a story that takes place in the world of or involves characters from any of the Tome of Bill books.
2. Try to make sure it doesn't suck or include anything that would get us both arrested.
3. Add the disclaimer:  "The Tome of Bill is copyright Rick Gualtieri. This story is licensed under the Creative Commons as derivative, noncommercial fiction."
4. Format it as a Word, PDF, or Text file.
5. Email it to me (along with your contact info) at: rickg.author@gmail.com

Depending upon number of entries, I will pick between 5 and 10 finalists. These will be based on originality, entertainment value, and overall readability. All finalists will be posted to this blog for you to read and enjoy.

The Winners will then be chosen by YOU!

Questions?  Of course you have questions.  Well hopefully I have answers...

---

FAQs

Q) Do I need to read your crappy stories to join?
A) No, there is no purchase necessary. That being said, it wouldn't hurt to know what you're writing about before you start a fan fiction piece.

Q) How long does my story have to be?
A) Your story should be at least 250 words long. There is no maximum size. Aside from that, feel free to make it as long as it needs to be.

Q) When does the contest start / end.
A) The submission period will be between May 1 - July 1 2014, to give people plenty of time to get writing. Finalist judging will be a rolling process. Online voting for the winners will happen shortly after the submission period ends.

Q) Aside from the above, does anything else need to be in my submission?
A) Well, your name as well as your contact info. You can include a pen name (if you would prefer your real name not be associated with your entry). If you have a website you’d like to make people aware of, send that along (I’m cool with helping you market yourself). Additionally you will need to include a disclaimer with regards to licensing this work under Creative Commons. Something like:

“The Tome of Bill is copyright Rick Gualtieri. This story is licensed under the Creative Commons as derivative, noncommercial fiction.”

Q) Creative Commons?
A) http://creativecommons.org/licenses/  In a nutshell it means you’re creating a derivative work that you’re not intending to sell for profit or use as basis to sue my pants off.

Q) So I can’t sell it.  What if the Tome of Bill ever becomes a part of the Kindle Worlds program?
A) That’s a whole different ball of wax. If that happens, let me know and we can definitely amend that agreement.

Q) Fess up, you’re just using this contest as story fodder, right?
A) Nope. I have the rest of Bill’s tale plotted out through the end. Likewise I have material enough to keep me busy on other stories for years.

Q) Hey! I entered your stupid contest and then found something similar to my story in a later Bill book that was released. What gives?
A) Blind squirrel and acorn my friend.  See the previous question.  Great minds can in fact think alike.  Just because you figured out that <SPOILERS>: Christy has really been Ed in disguise all along and that Sally is Bill’s birth mother, well, that doesn't mean anything more than it being a coincidence.

Q) Were those real spoilers?
A) What do you think, genius?

Q) Cool!  So I can send you my Bill / Snape / Malfoy slash fiction?
A) Only if your name is JK Rowling.  You can only use my characters and/or original characters of your own making / that you own the rights for in this contest. No borrowing other people’s property.

Q) I’m already a professional author.  Can I join?
A) Of course. I look forward to reading what you can come up with.

Q) Awesome, so can I write a joint collaborative story with you that....
A) Whoa there, Hoss.  This is fan fiction, not a collaboration.  Feel free to email me separately about such things and we can discuss.

Q) Will what I write be considered canon in the Bill universe?
A) Short answer: no.  Long answer: still no.

Q) I’m not particularly funny. Does what I write have to be a comedy?
A) Not at all. You can write horror, romance, steamy erotica, YA drama, etc etc.  You are only limited by your own twisted imagination as to plot, tone, time frame, setting, etc etc.

Q) So nothing is off limits?
A) Let’s not go that far. Anything that goes against Amazon’s content rules and/or will get me put on international watch lists are off limits. 

Q) So for example...
A) I.E. Gansetseg capturing Bill, torturing him, or even marrying him is fine.  Writing a graphic erotica about their wedding night is most certainly not. 

Q) But she’s technically 300 years old...
A) Don’t make me smack you. There’re plenty of physically mature characters in the series if you must get your freak on.  Want a Sally, Tom, and Turd threesome? Go nuts. Keep Gan or any other underage characters out of that stuff, though.

Q) Do I have to pay for a professional editor?
A) Ah, back to the non-creepy questions.  Thank goodness. No. I would prefer that you read through your story for errors and maybe use a spell checker on it, though. If I can’t make sense of it, or it’s a mess, it’s not going to make it to the finals.  That being said, if you are the winner for publication as a bonus story, it will fall upon me to make sure your tale is polished. I will subsequently work with you to ensure the final product retains the spirit you intended. 

Q) Speaking of that whole publishing thing...
A) The winning story will be introduced as bonus content within the Tome of Bill Compendium (vol 2), when it is published, and in conjunction with this contest. I am happy to give the winner exposure along with their story.  Thus I will gladly list your name / pen name as well as link back to any website you may have (if applicable). After that, we can both keep your fingers crossed that it sells a million copies. 

---

And now for the boring as all hell, but necessary, legalese...

Contest Official Rules

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN

Purchase does not increase chance of winning.

The prizes:

1 Grand Prize winner will receive:

-       - Three-hundred dollars USD ($300) payable via either check or money order.

-      -  A signed paperback copy of Goddamned Freaky Monsters (the Tome of Bill, part 5)

-       - Inclusion as a “bonus story” in the Tome of Bill Compendium (volume 2), upon publication.

1 First Prize winner will receive:

-       - One-hundred and fifty dollars USD ($150) payable via either check or money order.

-       - A signed paperback copy of Goddamned Freaky Monsters (the Tome of Bill, part 5)

1 Runner-up will receive:

-       - A fifty dollar ($50) Amazon Gift Card

No cash or other prize substitution permitted except at Sponsor's discretion. The prize is nontransferable. Any and all prize related expenses, including without limitation any and all federal, state, and/or local taxes shall be the sole responsibility of the winner.

How to enter: You may enter the Contest through the following means:

Email your entry to: rickg.author@gmail.com
With your enclosed story attached in one of the following formats / file extensions: doc, docx, pdf, txt.

Your entry must include:

• Your full name
• Valid email address (if you do not have an email address, print "no email address")

Your story must include:

• A Title
• Your pen-name (if different than the above full name)
• A Creative Commons license disclaimer:
• “The Tome of Bill is copyright Rick Gualtieri. This story is licensed under the Creative Commons as derivative, noncommercial fiction.”

Alternately you may mail your entry to:

Freewill Press LLC

PO Box 175

Dunellen, NJ 08812

All entries become the exclusive property of Sponsor (Freewill Press LLC) and will not be acknowledged or returned.  You must enter your own name for the Grand Prize. No substitutes, including but not limited to: family, friends, spouse, or children, will be allowed.

Terms and Conditions

1. By submitting an entry, you fully and unconditionally agree to and accept these Official Rules.
2. Entries (Submissions) are limited to the United States and District of Columbia and are void where prohibited. All federal, state and local laws and regulations apply. Subject to any governmental approval that may be required, Sponsor reserves the right to, without prior notice and at any time, terminate this contest, in whole or in part, or modify contest in any way, should any factor interfere with its proper conduct as contemplated by these Official Rules. Contest will begin on May 1, 2014 at 12:00 AM Eastern Time (EST) and will continue until July 1 2014 at 11:59 PM EST. Sponsor reserves the right in its sole discretion, to cancel the contest in its entirety, or only the online portion, if it becomes technically corrupted or because of non-authorized human intervention. Entrants hereby grant Sponsor the non-exclusive, royalty-free right and license to the use of their Submission(s), names, voices, and/or likeness for the purpose of advertising, trade, or promotion without further compensation, unless prohibited by law. Any entries which violate these terms may be disqualified based on the sole discretion of the sponsor.
3. Content. Entries which contain the following content may be rejected at the sole discretion of the Sponsor
1. Offensive depictions of graphic sexual acts.
2. Offensive Content
3. Illegal and/or Infringing Content
1. Content that violates laws or copyright, trademark, privacy, publicity, or other rights.
4. Nonsensical Prose
5. Unedited Content
6. Content under 250 words in length
4. Eligibility. Must be at least 18 years old to enter. Employees, officers, characters, or directors of Sponsor, its parent companies, affiliates, subsidiaries, and their children, parents, spouse, and members of their household are ineligible to participate. No purchase or online entry necessary. Contest is open only to legal residents of the United States. A purchase does not enhance your chance of winning.
5. Effective date of entries. Entries made online will be effective on the day received. Entries submitted by mail will be effective on the date Sponsor receives and processes the entry. All entries become the exclusive property of Freewill Press LLC and will not be acknowledged or returned. You are responsible for your costs of entering, including online access charges, long distance telephone charges, and postage. 
6. Selection of winners. Finalists will be determined by Sponsor based on the following guidelines: originality, story content, and readability. The winners will be determined via anonymous online vote.  In the case of a tie, the deciding vote will be cast by Sponsor based on originality, story content, and readability. Winners hereby grant Sponsor the non-exclusive, royalty-free right and license to the use of their Submission(s), names, voices, and/or likeness for the purpose of advertising, trade, publishing, or promotion without further compensation, unless prohibited by law.
7. Display of Submission(s) and Public Voting. Finalists' submissions will be posted on www.poptartmanifesto.com on a rolling basis. If a Submission is disqualified or otherwise does not meet the Submission requirements it will not be posted or may be taken down. Visitors will be able to vote for their favorite Submission. The public voting will take place between on or about July 2, 2014 at 12:00:01 AM EST, and July 30, 2014 at 11:59 PM EST. Public voting will determine the three (3) winners. Each visitor is able to vote for their favorite Submissions, but may only vote for a Submission once during the voting period. Use of an automated process or similar device to submit an electronic vote is strictly prohibited. Any attempt to circumvent the one vote limit per Submission or to use automated vote process will subject all votes from the person to disqualification. If a Contestant receives multiple and/or irregular votes  from the same user or users, including but not limited to, votes generated by a robotic, programmed, script, macro, other automated means or other source, the Sponsor reserves the right to disqualify the Contestant in their sole discretion. If the voting process fails to operate properly or appears to be tampered with or tainted with errors, fraud or unfair practices, the Sponsor in its sole discretion reserves the right to use another means to determine the Winners, i.e. random selection or appointing a panel of judges. Contestants may not pay people or provide any other type of consideration in exchange for votes. Any Contestant who violates the ban on paying or providing consideration in exchange for votes will be disqualified. Public votes may be displayed on the competition website, on a real-time basis, before being verified for integrity. These unverified votes do not necessarily reflect accurately the Finalists. The Finalists will be the entrants who are contacted directly by the Sponsor after votes have been verified. Sponsor reserve the right to modify the voting period at anytime for any reason.
   
   Notification of winners. Contest winner will be notified by email.  If not by email than by phone or mail, if applicable. An email will be sent to the winner within one week after the contest is concluded. All decisions are final and binding. Should the email be returned to the Sponsor as invalid, two more attempts will be made via email and one by regular mail if applicable. Winners must contact the Sponsor within 5 calendar days from the date the notification is sent by Sponsor to claim their prize. Failure to contact Sponsor within that 5 day period will result in immediate disqualification of the selected entrant and a new winner will be selected. No exceptions will be made to this rule. Sponsor is not responsible for and shall not be liable for late, lost, misdirected, or unsuccessful efforts to notify winners.


8. Payment of winners: The monetary, gift card, and/or paperback portions of the prize tiers will be payable within 90 days of the winner(s) being notified.  All portions of prizes dealing with publication within The Tome of Bill Compendium (volume 2) will be awarded upon publication of The Tome of Bill Compendium (volume 2)
9. Odds of winning. The odds of winning will be determined by the number of eligible entries received. 
10. In the event of a dispute regarding who submitted an online entry, the entry will be deemed submitted by the authorized account holder of the email account.
11. Other conditions. Sponsor, its agents and representatives, its parent companies, affiliates, subsidiaries, advertising, promotion and fulfillment agencies and legal advisors are not responsible for and will not be liable for (I) late, lost, damaged, misdirected, incomplete, unintelligible or postage due entries; (II) telephone, electronic, hardware or software program, network, Internet or computer malfunctions, failures or difficulties of any kind; (III) failed, incomplete, garbled or delayed computer transmissions; (IV) any condition caused by events beyond the control of Sponsor that may cause Contest to be disrupted or corrupted; (V) any injuries losses or damages of any kind arising in connection with or as a result of the Contest, or from participation in the Contest; or (VI) any printing or typographical error in any material associated with the Contest.  Grand Prize Winner must agree to the use of their names, voices, and/or likeness for the purpose of advertising, trade, or promotion without further compensation, unless prohibited by law.
12. Copyright: The Tome of Bill and all characters that appear in it, past, present, and future are the property and copyright of Rick Gualtieri. You agree to license all entries under the Creative Commons derivative, noncommercial fiction license. You acknowledge that all submissions to this contest may only contain characters and/or situations 1) from the Tome of Bill, copyright Rick Gualtieri as per the Creative Commons license stated above, 2) that are currently within the public domain, or 3) that are original of your own creation and that you own the rights to.
13. Indemnification. You agree to release and hold Sponsor, its employees, officers, directors, shareholders, agents, representatives, parent companies, affiliates, subsidiaries, advertising, promotion and fulfillment agencies, and legal advisors, harmless from any and all losses, damages, rights, claims, compensation, royalties, and actions of any kind in connection with the Contest, including without limitation, personal injury, death and property damage, and claims based on publicity rights, copyright, defamation or invasion of privacy. This contest is in no way sponsored, endorsed or administered by, or associated with, Facebook. You understand that you are providing your information to Freewill Press LLC and the contest sponsor, not to Facebook.
14. Choice of law. All issues and questions concerning the construction, validity, interpretation and enforceability of these Official Rules, or the rights and obligations of you and Sponsor in connection with the Contest, will be governed by, and construed in accordance with, the substantive laws of the New Jersey.

Goddamned Freaky Monsters (the Tome of Bill, Part 5): Teaser 1

I am very pleased to present the cover, blurb, and first teaser for
Goddamned Freaky Monsters: The Tome of Bill, part 5

Coming soon!

---

There are reasons we fear the night. Now he’s trying to stop them.

Three months have passed since the fateful encounter in New York City that ended with the disappearance of Bill Ryder - gamer, geek, and legendary vampire. Now he’s back - reawakened halfway across the globe with no allies, clothing, or clue as to how he got there. The only thing he’s certain of is that his captors plan to use him for their own nefarious ends and don’t care how much blood they spill in the process.

Escape might be the least of his worries, though. Civilization teeters on the brink of chaos. Mythical beasts, once thought the stuff of fantasy, are breaking through the veil, intent on waging war against mankind. At their forefront stands an ancient evil, the last remnant of a people thought long dead, and it’s about to cut a swath of destruction through the world not seen since biblical times.

Bill’s only chance is to reclaim his life, reconcile with his friends, and muster every bit of attitude he can - because if he fails, Hell on Earth will become far more than just a corny saying.

---

“Welcome to the chamber of seers, Freewill,” Alex said from beside me. “Here our elder prophets gaze out across the planes so as to divine the mysteries they hold.”

“Doesn’t look like they see much of anything to me.”

“In that you are quite mistaken.”

The couple across the way each flashed a set of fangs at us. Whoever they were, they didn’t seem all that pleased at our entrance.

They took a step toward us when a deep bass rumbled in the chamber as if someone had struck a massive gong somewhere.

The bearded seer immediately disengaged from the two he’d been huddled with and sat back in his place at the circle.

Alex’s hand fell upon my shoulder and he gently guided me back a step. The two others across from us likewise backed up, seemingly respectful in how they did so.

“What...”

“Shhh,” Alex quietly shushed me. From his tone, I gathered it would probably be unwise to interrupt, especially since I was well within pummeling reach.

Silence returned to the room as the seated figures placed their hands upon the iron rods in front of them. Smoke rose from their skin where the hot metal touched. Ouch.

But that was nothing compared to what came next.

The bearded one muttered something unintelligible, at which point the rest answered in kind. They lifted the rods, ends glowing red hot, and proceeded to jam the near molten metal into their already ruined eye-sockets.

“Holy shit!”

All eyes - and lack thereof - in the room immediately trained upon me. Uh oh.

The leader of the gouging cult raised a finger at me and screeched something that I couldn’t make out. Call me cynical, but I had a feeling it wasn’t “Hello.”

A moment later, he followed up with a compulsion to his buddies. His words were still indecipherable, but the meaning translated in my brain. “KILL THE BLASPHEMER!!”

Almost as one, the weirdos sitting around the pit plucked the burning rods from their skulls and stood, brandishing them as weapons. Great. Not only was I about to get my ass killed, but it was going to be with red-hot pokers coated in burnt eye-juice.

The couple that had been conversing with the elder whackjob stepped back, smirks on their faces. They’d come for the conversation, but were apparently staying for the floorshow. How wonderful.

Oh well, I might’ve been outnumbered, but they were just a bunch of blind nutjobs. I was debating how best to handle things when Alex stepped in front of me.

“Desino!” he commanded, whatever the fuck that meant. For all I knew, he was encouraging them.

I stepped to the side to get a better view of what they’d do, only to find their heads all turning to track me - definitely creepy. Just what I needed - a fight against a group of Daredevil wannabes.

Alex turned his head and directed his words at the couple who still stood there smirking like douche-nozzles. The woman threw a dirty look back his way in response, but nothing more.

The nearest of the eyeless monks was almost within reach to clonk me with his crowbar of doom when Alex said something else to the couple, a distinctly angry tone in his voice.

The woman let out a disgusted sigh, then she and her companion joined in shouting foreign phrases at the blind lynch mob. More words followed until, finally, the angry snarl left the old guy’s face and he held up a hand. His fellows immediately stopped in their tracks. Neat trick.

A moment later, the eyeless minions shuffled back to their spots around the circle. Phew! Before joining them, though, their leader turned toward me and bared his teeth - showing his gnarled fangs. He hissed in my direction, then spat on the floor.

I kept my mouth shut at the implied insult, not wanting to agitate the old fuck any further. I’d seen enough kung-fu movies to know that never turned out well.

I did, however, flip him the finger.

Alex stepped once more to stand at my side. “That is really not helping your situation, Freewill.”

“They’re the ones who overreacted.”

“Overreacted?” The woman's tone was one of outrage, but at least she spoke English. “You were the one fool enough to interrupt.”

“Sorry. I didn’t realize that there were rules to an eye-gouging circle jer...urk!”

She was across the room before I could finish the sentence, lifting me from the floor by the throat. Okay, perhaps I needed to rethink my attitude.

“Theodora, please,” Alex said, almost sounding bored. “Kindly release our guest.”

“He is an insolent lout. Need I remind you that we do not tolerate...”

“You need remind me of nothing. That is the Freewill you are holding. What I suggest is for your own benefit, not his.”

“This is the Freewill? Hah! He looks nothing like the magnificent beast your men captured.”

Magnificent beast? I would’ve replied to that, but my windpipe was currently being crushed...although considering my assailant’s appearance, I might’ve categorized it more as autoerotic asphyxiation

“Go right ahead and see for yourself, though I would caution you release him before doing so. He is more than your equal should you anger him.”

Well, that was a load of bullshit if ever I’d heard one. Right then, my best defense would have consisted of wheezing and passing out.

To my amazement, though, the angry hottie lowered me to the floor and let up on the pressure ever so slightly. “Very well, Alexander.” She turned to face me, eyes becoming as black as her dress. “ON YOUR KNEES!! LAP THE BOTTOM OF MY BOOT CLEAN LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE!!”

The compulsion felt like a good solid kick to the head. My eyes rolled back for a moment from the force of it. Whoever this chick might be, she wasn’t anyone to mess with. Even so, the most powerful of compulsions might be able to knock me on my ass, but they still did shit in the way of making me obey.

I meant to say something moderately respectful with regards to her inability to control me, but at the last second opted to be a bit more direct.

“Fuck you, Cinderella.”

The War Against Reviewer Anonymity

UPDATE: It might not mean much in the grand scheme of things, but I created my own petition asking Amazon to protect the privacy of its users. Feel free to check it out if you agree.

---

There’s been a bit of a blow-up in the past few days regarding a new petition on Change.org asking that Amazon disallow reviewing and posting within their forums anonymously.  Further gasoline was poured on the proverbial fire when bestselling author Anne Rice spoke to the Guardian about this - endorsing the petition and offering her own tales of being bullied on the Amazon forums.

In the past, I've touched upon the concept of bullying. If you haven’t read it, please feel free to take a look. Needless to say, I have problems with the above on so many levels, that I’m not sure I’ll be able to cover it all in one blog post.  So let me try to dissect it a piece at a time.

For starters, I fully admit to being a participant in the forum discussion referenced above  - the one Ms. Rice spins her tale of woe from.  It’s a very long forum thread, 400 pages / 10,000 posts in all.  While I wouldn't expect any sane person to try to wade through all of that, I would recommend that one take at least random sampling through it (beginning, middle and end) before automatically jumping onto the bully bandwagon. My perspective from that discussion is quite different - agreeing that while the debate did get quite heated at times, it wasn't nearly the one-sided fear-fest it is being made out to be.  To be perfectly honest, if one can take off their starry-eyed glasses long enough to read this objectively, I think one may in fact question whether this was a case of bullying or a best selling author simply not being overly fond of any who dared to disagree.

I encourage you to at least take a look. Afterwards, if you disagree with my conclusions I welcome the discussion. There is no censorship here (outside of spammers, maybe ;).

Next up is the question of anonymity.  I don’t think anyone will disagree with the concept of the proverbial “internet tough guy”, that person who feels free to be as nasty as can be while hiding behind a username of SeXXXgod69.  They’re out there and they’re often pretty damn annoying. At the same time, there are plenty of valid reasons to not want one’s identity known.  Should someone going through a rough divorce from an abusive spouse have to put their real name on a simple product review and invite potential harassment?  Should any reviewer have to debate against putting a one-star review against a bestseller’s newest novel, for fear of their fans descending upon them in droves?  Heck, should someone have to worry that their next employer might pass over them simply because they enjoyed Fifty Shades of Grey? And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Is it not foolish to punish the many for the sins of the few?

I will also offer the simple logic of author pseudonyms to the equation. It’s a time honored tradition that writers have the option of publishing under an entirely fictitious name (heck, even I have one).  Is it not hypocritical for one side to enjoy that luxury, while the choice is removed from the other? Food for thought.

Then there is the idea of this petition itself. I have no qualms about saying that I love the opportunity that Amazon has given me.  I love book websites such as Goodreads, in which readers can come together and discuss what they loved or hated about the latest big (or small) seller.  I love the current market and what it represents.  What I don’t love is any attempt to massage or game the system in one way or the other, all because a vocal minority has an issue with it.

This is disturbing because it shows a distinct lack of foresight.  Attempting in any way to control the conversation could very well be a step toward destroying that very opportunity we celebrate. Why? Well, where does it end? I certainly know of at least a few authors who wouldn’t mind banning any reviews below five stars. Ridiculous isn’t it? Perhaps not if we consider the ripple effect - that point where self-publishing becomes less an opportunity and more a liability for companies such as Amazon.

Now don’t get me wrong on any of the above. I am entirely against criminal harassment.  I don’t feel anyone should be afraid to be online in any capacity. I’m also not suggesting that this hasn’t happened.  It has. The thing is, only a fool would believe it’s a one-sided affair. I have no doubt there have been authors unfairly targeted. At the same time, I’ve seen reviewers fall into the cross-hairs of less than professional writers for daring to think their book was less than a masterpiece.

To think that authors are unique in being some sort of protected class is silly.  If anything I would worry more about the potential harassment of reviewers. I’m selling a product. I have stake in this game. They don’t. Which one can more easily take their ball and go home with it? Who will ultimately be more hurt in the exchange?

All of that being said, my fear is that this petition will solve little except allowing a select few to abuse the  system - taking an overly liberal view of the concept of bullying and screaming about it until their naysayers are silenced. Poor review? That’s bullying! A snub on social media? That’s harassment! Being placed upon a do-not-buy list? That person’s account should be deleted!  Rather than grow up and put on their big boy / girl undies, they’d rather ruin the system for everyone.  And make no mistake, they will ruin it - even if it is one petition at a time.

As I said, I love this industry and the opportunity if affords me and other aspiring writers. As such, no matter the outcome, I will strive to compete based on my ability to spin a good story. I will not be party to silencing my critics, playing the victim, or doing anything else to put this industry in jeopardy.

Double Book Review: Project Nemesis and Project Maigo

Project Nemesis and Project Maigo

Been a while since I've done one of these. I'd say it's about time to play catch up a bit...

I don’t make it much of a secret that I’m absolutely in love with giant monster movies.  I've been waiting with barely contained enthusiasm for Legendary’s 2014 Godzilla film to open, hoping for the best yet dreading it might be another heart-breaker like the 1998 Tristar Godzilla.  I've had the Blu-ray of Pacific Rim for just a few weeks and have already watched it multiple times (despite having seen it in the theaters). Suffice it to say, I have seen every single Toho Kaiju movie - most of them several times.

Thus it was with great excitement that I was casually browsing my Amazon recommendations last week and saw Jeremy Robinson’s Project Nemesis appear in the list. This was a pleasant surprise in two ways.  One: obviously a novel about giant monsters smashing shit caused the ten year old kid in me to scream out in joy. Two was that I've read Robinson before and know him to be a skilled fantasy/adventure storyteller so I felt absolutely no trepidation when it came to hitting the purchase button.  I don’t mind taking a leap of faith, but I think it’s occasionally nice to forgo those first date jitters and hop in the car with someone you know can drive.

Project Nemesis is a fascinating read from several levels. The story itself is both unique while still being a loving homage to several Kaiju movies, perhaps the two that come most to mind being the original Godzilla and Frankenstein’s Revenge.  Another unique aspect is the perspective. Robinson alternately tells the story from a first person present perspective from the eyes of the main protagonist, Jon Hudson, to third person past for all of the other characters.  At first this was a little jarring as well as worrisome.  I’m not a fan of first person present, primarily because so few authors do it well.  I find it to be, more often than not, a painful experience.  Yet I was pleasantly surprised to find that Robinson makes it work.  I actually found myself enjoying switching back into Hudson’s eyes after reading what the monster or other characters were up to.  It doesn't hurt that Hudson is a flawed, but ultimately likeable fellow.

The story itself follows your basic sci-fi plot of an experiment gone horribly wrong - resulting in a rapidly growing monster, Nemesis, that’s horrifying yet sympathetic at the same time.  Hudson is at first scoffed at, but then by the time he's finally believed it's too late. The monster has grown too strong and the nation’s military...well, if you've ever seen a Godzilla movie you know how that ends.  The science is ultimately a bit goofy with references to DNA combination, aliens, and ancient gods, but that, too, serves as a loving nod to the genre from the old Ghidorah movies with their invaders from Planet X to newer fare such as Jurassic Park.

The only real downside to the entire experience is the human antagonist, General Gordon, who is given some backstory, but ultimately comes across as a cookie cutter military bad guy - Eeeevil for the sake of nothing more than being evil.  This is minor, though, because every time you meet Gordon you can be sure some violent action in on the horizon and that’s really what one is probably reading a book like this for: tons of city-stomping, gun fights, missiles, and big-ass monsters.  In that aspect, Robinson most certainly does not disappoint.

I had such fun reading this that I immediately bought the sequel, Project Maigo.

If Project Nemesis is Jeremy Robinson’s Godzilla, then Project Maigo is his Destroy All Monsters.  True monster movie fans will also recognize aspects of the original proposed story for GMK: Giant Monster All Out Attack here. It was considerably different than what was eventually filmed (in of itself an awesome monster movie) focusing on the drama of a monster with a human heart.  In true sequel fashion, we’ve gotten all the intros out of the way and jump right into the action - barely ever pausing for a breath.

The action in this one is even more fast and furious than in Project Nemesis.  How could it not?  There’s not one, but six monsters (possibly eight if you count some of the other characters) stomping about causing mayhem.  The  only difference here is that the scale is larger, but less emphasis is given to the human casualties.  Project Nemesis  was heavy on showing the aftermath of the monster’s attack - how real human lives were destroyed.  Project Maigo focuses instead on big explosions and leveled cities. This serves to make the overall tone a bit lighter, which will probably be more in line with those coming for the monster battles.  I can understand this as it once more follows the formula I laid out above. The original Godzilla put a heavy emphasis on the monster’s aftermath.  By the time we reached Destroy All Monsters, though, we just wanted to see shit blow up real good.  This book delivers on that in spades. If anything, I plowed through it even faster than the first.

In this book’s case the only downside is the inclusion of some secondary characters. Robinson has created a shared universe, similar to Stephen King's, and as such characters in one book exist in others. In this case we meet up with Hawkins and Lilly from another of Robinson's novels, Island 731.  Don't get me wrong, I will certainly be picking this novel up to learn about their fascinating back-story. At the same time, though, they don’t really work here. The character of Lilly in particular comes across as a bit of a Deus Ex Machina.  Once again it’s a minor thing, masked by some very nicely laid out action scenes, but their presence still feels a bit like an e-commerce website’s upsell - albeit, one that works as I mentioned above.

All in all I highly recommend both of these books. They make an excellent companion for a long weekend - serving as either the appetizer or dessert for the entree of a monster movie marathon.  If you've ever enjoyed Godzilla, Gamera, or Gorgo stomping across the screen, you would do well to pick up these books.

Project Nemesis for Kindle
Project Maigo for Kindle

A Tale of Two Tablets: Double Review - Kindle Fire HDX and iPad Air

Another holiday season is rapidly coming to a close. That means a bunch of you probably opened nice shiny new electronics in the past week or so. Likewise, another group is most likely playing the waiting game - deciding what to spend all that Christmas money on.

Allow me to help - with my thoughts on two such items that you may have crossed paths with: The Kindle Fire HDX 7” and the iPad Air.

Now, most gadget reviews focus on specs which are, quite honestly, useless for most people.  For starters what does it matter how many gigahertz something runs at, if you have no freaking clue what a gigahertz is? Secondly, all of the spec-porn in the world is pretty meaningless as long as something works correctly and is priced fairly.  So my goal is to stick with that criteria and hopefully give you some useful advice you don’t need a Rosetta stone to understand.

So onward to the tablets...

Tablet-type devices typically come in 4 flavors: Phone-sized, phablet, small tablet, and full-sized.  We’ll skip those first two. A phone is more of a personal choice anyway I find.  As for phablets (phone/tablet), like the Samsung Galaxy Note, well fuck them - because I really can't stand the word phablet. Seriously, who comes up with this shit?

Small tablets are typically devices in the 7 - 8 inch screen size range. They’re not quite pocket-sized, but they do approximate paperback size. They fit quite nicely into a handbag or backpack and are often comfortable to hold for long periods of time with one hand.  The Kindle Fire HDX 7” not only falls into this category, but as far as I’m concerned it owns it.

I consider small tablets to be mostly consumption devices.  Their small screen size is ideal for reading books, surfing the web, social media, games, and even the occasional movie - in short, leisure activities.  Personally, I find them to be too small to do any real work on, though, outside of maybe email.  That’s okay because Amazon’s device fits that bill perfectly.   It’s the very definition of a consumption device and it’s tied to one of the biggest content repositories out there -Amazon.com (duh!).  With but a few taps of the screen you can access movies, games, and quite literally millions of books (hint hint).

That’s not all it is, though. All of the content in the world is going to suck if it’s on a device that sputters along at a maddeningly slow pace. Fortunately, Amazon really knocked it out of the park with this - their 3rd generation of Kindle Fire devices.  The HDX is a solid device with a ton of power and great battery life. You’ll be hard pressed to bring this tablet to its knees.  Best yet, it can all be had for an incredible price.  Seriously, nothing even comes close to touching this at $229 (and Amazon has been running several sales, so you might find it for even less).

It’s easy to use, but alas not quite as easy to use as an iPad.  Fortunately, though, Amazon has this potential weakness covered.  They included what’s known as the Mayday Button onto the HDX.  This is a virtual button that instantly connects you to Amazon’s customer service.  This is a move that’s nothing short of brilliant on their part.  I have dealt with Amazon reps many times over the years and have found them to be nothing short of phenomenal.  Most other companies, be they manufacturers or retailers, are simply not in the same league.  For Amazon to include direct access to their support staff is a major plus in the Kindle Fire’s already sizable arsenal.  What it means is that as long as you have a connection, you never have to worry about being lost in your device. Help is always one tap of the screen away.

There’s only one downside to the HDX 7”.  If you’re not already an Amazon Prime member or otherwise heavily invested in their ecosystem, the HDX might be of less use to you.  The two really are joined at the hip.  However, if you are a Prime member (like me), the two together make for an awesome buy.  It’s hard to go wrong with such a powerful device at such an appealing price.

The Good:
- Great battery life
- Excellent price
- Awesome screen
- Powerful internals mean that very little will slow you down
- Help is available whenever you need it
- A huge content ecosystem of movies, books, games, etc

The Less than good:
- Less intuitive than an iPad for the technology challenged
- Not nearly as useful if you’re not a heavy Amazon user
- All the buttons are located on the back, which can be a little clunky until you learn where they are

Alternatives:
iPad Mini:  A good device, but crippled by price or power depending on your choice.  The most recent mini, the one with the retina display, is over a hundred and fifty bucks more than the HDX.  It has a slightly larger screen and a lot more apps, which is nice, but unfortunately I don’t think it’s $150 nicer. Your other option is the older mini, but what you gain in price you lose in power. The original uses what is essentially outdated technology and it’s starting to show.

Google Nexus 7: Another awesome device and likewise at a great price.  You get access to all of Google Play, but I personally find the overall size of their content ecosystem to be inferior.  Still, if you’re not an Amazon fan and don’t want to be glued to them, the Nexus 7 is a good alternate choice.

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So called full-sized tablets are usually larger than 8” in screen diameter. Here’s where I change my tune a bit, because I find at this size you can gain the added advantage of a device which is large enough to be comfortably productive on.  A tablet of this size can be used quite well for a full-suite of office applications, making them good choices for both personal and professional use. This is where the second device of this review, the iPad Air, shines.  At $499 for the basic model it’s not a small investment, but I personally feel you get a goodly amount for your dollar.

The iPad air offers a large screen in a small package. It’s thin and light, yet boasts both a powerful processor and all-day battery life. It also has access to Apple’s huge content ecosystem, which quite possibly trumps even Amazon’s.  Even if it doesn’t, the Apple App Store contains apps for everything you’d ever want to use at Amazon: shopping, Kindle books, Prime movies, etc.  In short you can get the best of both worlds on the iPad. As an added bonus, Apple also made some of their core productively apps free this year including: iLife and iWork. You get a full professional office suite, a movie maker, and a great music composition program all included in the price of the tablet.

The iPad Air runs IOS, which personally I feel is the easiest tablet operating system out there for a new user to learn.  Seriously, I’ve seen people give iPads to their toddlers and grandparents and have both surfing the web or playing games within minutes.  IOS also includes Facetime, which is probably the easiest to use video caller out there. It’s a great way to stay in touch with those relatives you stuffed back onto a plane right after the presents were unwrapped.

It’s not all rainbows and unicorns, though. Apple, alas, can be their own worst enemy.  While their customer service is often fast and courteous, they are sticklers for the rules.  While I've found that Amazon will often bend over backwards to make sure their customers are satisfied, Apple will do so only as long as you fall within their guidelines.   Do otherwise, and you’re looking at a potentially costly repair. This is not to say it’s unfair, but it’s still inferior to the experiences I think you'll find with Amazon support.

That being said, I still love the iPad air.  When I’m not parked in front of my desktop, it’s my go-to device for just about anything - including writing my next book.

The Good:
- Possibly the best screen available on a tablet
- Feels a lot smaller than it is
- Great battery life
- Powerful internals
- A huge ecosystem of apps, including Amazon’s
- Pairs nicely if you also have an iPhone
- Can be a legitimate laptop replacement for some

The Less Than Good:
- Pricey
- The warranty is written in stone. Thou shalt not break it and expect to be forgiven.

Alternatives:
Kindle Fire HDX 8.9”:  All the same plusses as the Kindle HDX 7”, including the great price, but with a bigger screen.  Regardless, I don’t favor it at this size because, same as with the 7”, Amazon seems to embrace the HDX as primarily a consumption device. In that regards it’s somewhat more limited than the iPad.  Sometimes I actually want to get some work done, and if that’s the case then the HDX is probably not my first choice.

Samsung Galaxy Tablet 10”: Samsung is a popular player in the tablet space, but I’ll be honest I have yet to see a large tablet from them I like. They lack Apple’s or Amazon’s content ecosystem, I find their build quality to be a bit questionable, and frankly I despise Samsung’s customer support.  Just my opinion, but I find their attitude to be “just buy a new device.”  Their aftermarket support isn’t at the top of my favorites list.

Microsoft Surface: Maybe in a couple of years these could be great devices, but not yet.  While I love their typing covers, the tablets themselves are a bit chunky for my tastes.  THey also doesn’t have the app ecosystem of the others yet.  This year’s Surface tablets fixed a lot of the issues with the original generation, but it still seems you’re paying a premium just for the Microsoft name.  If the Surface was $100 cheaper or included their awesome covers (currently a separate purchase) I might think different, but for now I don’t have any reason to recommend one over an iPad air.

There you have it, two devices that you really can't go wrong with.

So what are your thoughts?  I’d love to hear them as well as answer any questions I can.

Here Be Pirates, Matey!

I'm honored to be guest blogging today about the problem of ebook piracy - or lack thereof - over at the GENXPOSE blog.

Feel free to pop on by and let us know what you think.

Hopefully it's an insightful debate for both authors and readers alike.

Click Here to check it out.