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May 16, 2023

Sneak Peek - DEVIANT DARK DRYADS (False Icons - 4)

 

Previously on the adventures of Jessie Flores, I got blown up and met my mom.

Okay, it wasn’t quite as simple as that. I returned to the world of the living following five long years spent in Hades – while the world assumed I was dead and moved on.

At least I’m guessing they were long years, mostly because it sounds dramatic, but the truth is I had no idea. I can’t remember a single moment of it. Yep, that was me, the girl who came back to life without a clue as to what her epic journey between life and death had entailed.

Fortunately, there hadn’t been much time to rue the missing chunk of my life as the world had become hell-bent on throwing mystery upon mystery at me. See, I’d gone to the Underworld a sixteen-year-old girl with vampire-killing locks. I’d come back a twenty-one-year-old woman wearing Amazonian garb and sporting hair that occasionally liked to turn blue. I hadn’t been alone either. Wyatt had been there with me, but he’d changed too.

One moment, he was a centuries-old vampire, then poof. The next, he was some weird mix of human, False Icon, and death otter depending on the time of day. And that wasn’t even counting his vampire half, Hunter. He’d eventually returned to Earth as well – as a separate being, one with both a fetish for killing me and a crazed yearning to rejoin with his former self.

Sadly, as fresh as those memories were, they might as well have been a lifetime ago.

Just as I was coming to terms with this new me, slowly figuring out my place in this world –I ended up walking into a trap. Not only had I failed to save some newfound death otter friends, but I’d almost been killed in the process. Neither the failure, the grief, nor the pain had been the worst of it, though.

No. That had been waking up in a hospital bed, bandaged head to toe, and with no idea where Wyatt was.

Then she showed up. Sporting hair the color of fresh blood, a thick Bostonian accent, and an attitude problem that just begged to be punched out, she’d claimed to be the mother I’d never met.

And the strangest thing was, I knew she was right.

Call it instinct, women’s intuition, or just a gut feeling, but something inside me had instantly recognized her.

Too bad those same instincts also told me she was the absolute worst.

♦ ♦ ♦

I had no idea how long I’d been stuck in this hospital room/prison. It had been at least a week, maybe longer. It was hard to tell. There were no windows, at least that I could see, just the fluorescent lighting above the bed.

Holly, as she called herself, had been my only visitor during that time – catering to my meds, emptying my bedpan, and changing my bandages. I had a feeling that wasn’t her real name. She smirked every time I said it, but it didn’t matter. Far more important was the isolation – long hours in that room, unable to move due to my injuries. I’d seen no sign of doctors or nurses, only her and her insufferably smug smile.

Heck, she’d refused to answer my questions with anything other than riddles – leaving me with no idea as to Wyatt’s fate, or whether my friends even knew I was missing.

I couldn’t count on the room’s tiny TV to provide me with information either, as it stayed tuned to a channel that played nothing but telenovelas and infomercials. At this point, I was ready to give up the battle and buy the newest successor to the Thighmaster.

The first few days I screamed my voice hoarse, all to no avail. Afterward, the tears came – leaving me crying for those I’d lost and those whose fates remained unknown.

Most of it was for me, though, lying there helpless as a baby – knowing I’d failed whatever tests fate had thrown my way.

Then, when there were no more tears left, that’s when the true depression set in –I’d failed myself and everyone I knew. I couldn’t punch it, burn it, or run away from it. All I could do was wallow.

I’m no superhero.

I wasn’t even sure I was a person anymore.

I was a broken lump of flesh, beholden to a woman I didn’t...

“Wake up, little one,” a singsong voice called as the lone door to my room – my cell – opened. “I have a surprise for you!”

Holly stepped in, looking every bit the femme fatale. I gritted my teeth as she approached, feeling the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

I guess it wasn’t hard to imagine her seducing my father, getting knocked up, then dumping the baby – me – at his doorstep simply because I was an inconvenience to her free-spirited evil-queen lifestyle.

Yeah, so easy to picture that, but somehow, I knew she was more than just some random bimbo – a lot more. A darkness radiated from her, something that spoke of power – an aura like the monsters I’d previously battled but far more intense.

Of course, that could’ve been because she was able to stand, while I was little more than a full body cast with shredded vocal cords. The jury was still out.

“And how are we doing this fine day, Jameson?”

I looked away She’s not worth it.

“Oh, stop that. Nobody likes a sulker, least of all me. Besides, I wasn’t lying. I do have a surprise for you… or maybe you don’t want to hear about that scruffy cowboy after all.”

That caught my attention, and I swiveled my eyes toward her.

“I guess you do want to hear some news.” She shrugged. “Too bad I don’t have any to share.”

Grrr!

“What I do have,” she continued, lifting a small cardboard box into view, “is even better. We run on Dunkin here, don’t we?”

Much as I wanted to tell her to go to hell, my stomach betrayed me, growling as she pulled out one of the glazed delights. I couldn’t help it. I’d had nothing but intravenous feeding since I’d woken up. Heck, I’d reached the point where I would have gladly bitten off one of her fingers had she gotten close enough.

“I think you’re ready for solid foods again,” she told me, holding the donut in front of my face. “Hell’s bells, I’m certain you’re ready for more – quite a bit more if we’re being honest here. You’re my daughter after all, and you’ve had more than enough time to mend.”

I couldn’t have cared less about her platitudes, since it was painfully obvious I was anything but healthy. But right then, all I wanted was to feel some sugar sliding down my throat.

Except she continued to hold it just outside my reach.

“Uh-uh. If you want it, you’ll have to sit up and take it. There will be no free lunches on my watch, little one.”

“I...”

“What was that?” she asked, leaning in.

I struggled to form the words against the bandages wrapped around my chin and jaw. “I... c-can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

What? Was she blind? Not only had I nearly been blown to bits, but this psycho had heavily insinuated upon my waking that I’d also survived major heart surgery.

No matter how much she taunted, both my body and brain had taken a beating. I was pretty sure even my bruises had bruises under the swaths of gauze and plaster holding me down. Now here she was, taunting me as if she expected some sort of miracle...

“Fuck it. So much for the easy way.” She pulled the donut away, scarfing it down in three big bites before licking her fingers. “Mmmm, I have to give the humans credit. It’s not quite as tasty as the soul of a newborn, but they got it damned close.”

No way. She’s not talking about what I think she is. She can’t be...

Whatever thoughts I had on the matter were interrupted as she reached down, grabbed me by the thick bandages around my torso, and lifted me from the bed – tearing me from my restraints, not that I could’ve escaped without them.

I could do nothing but shriek as pain exploded from every single inch of my body – my nerves relaying the extent of my injuries to my tortured mind.

“Oh, enough of that,” Holly snapped, holding me aloft as if I weighed less than nothing. “I can see you’re feeling sorry for yourself, and I simply can’t tolerate that. To that end, I think it’s time you discovered how effective the power of positive thought can be, especially for one such as yourself.”

“W-wuh?”

Rather than answer, she flung me across the room like a ragdoll. I slammed into the TV, sending sparks flying before I crashed in a heap.

A moment later, she loomed over me, her eyes gleaming with murder.

“Shall we play a little game, Jameson? I’m going to tear you limb from fucking limb in the next thirty seconds. You have a choice. You can either lie there and die, or you can fight back and prove to me that you’re not the mistake we both know you are.”


COMING MAY 22nd to Kindle and Kindle Unlimited!

Pre-Order today!


Apr 1, 2021

Rick G Reviews: Godzilla vs. Kong (2021)

 

I've been waiting for this movie for some time, the likely conclusion (albeit not set in stone) of Legendary's Monsterverse, first established with 2014's Godzilla, which, of course, served to wash away the bad taste left by Tristar's 1997 abomination.

That all said, let's leave a bit of courtesy spoiler space for anyone stumbling upon this and not wanting to know what's to come.

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Good enough!  

We'll start with the bad, get that shit out of the way early so we can move onto the good stuff. 

It must be said that this movie borrows heavily from Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker in one major - and annoying as fuck - aspect. This is a move that's tightly edited and relatively low on fluff. That's good except for one problem - it could use a good half hour of exposition to explain the stuff that happens.  This strikes me as yet another movie where the big "What The Hell?" moments will likely be explained in the novelization ... which is a crappy thing to do for those of us who don't want to read it.

In the author world, they constantly beat us over the head with "Show, don't tell".  Well, that doesn't mean you can't tell at all. In fact sometimes you HAVE TO, especially when it comes to major plot points we're expected to just accept like:

- Kong finding a giant radioactive glowing axe?

I mean seriously, it's the movie's MacGuffin, yet none of the scientists present barely bat at an eye at it. I mean, I'm no primatologist, but I'd like to think I'd be all, "Whoa?! Where the fuck did that come from?  Were Kong's ancestors building fucking superweapons or something???"

But nope. It's there and we're just supposed to roll with it. 

Another issue is that it's been 5 years since Godzilla: King of the Monsters.  Much like it was 5 yrs between that movie and Godzilla. In that time, humanity has made almost ridiculous strides in their technology.  I mean, a running theme in the movie is finding a new power source to use against the Titans ... while at the same time ignoring that the world apparently has power aplenty to run an island-sized biodome for Kong, build a magnetic transport between Florida and Hong Kong, create anti-gravity engines, and design a Pacific-Rim-esque Mechagodzilla complete with neural / psionic interface. And that's not even counting the stuff from the previous movie like Castle Bravo (which gets zero mention in this one, much like a lot of the stuff from the previous movie).

Speaking of all that, how the fuck much money does Apex have to be able to do all the shit they do??? We're talking a market cap here bigger than Google, Apple, and Amazon combined, especially since here in the real world we can't even get a fucking hyperloop around Las Vegas. This is one case where it would have probably made a LOT more sense to simply make the US Military the aggressors, being they developed the Oxygen Destroyer in the last movie - rather than a shady company with unlimited funds and not a single whistleblower among them.

But okay, this is a Godzilla movie. I guess I can forgive that since it's really not much different than the Japanese Defense Force having maser cannons in 1960 via the ToHo films. Whatever.

That said, what I have a harder time forgiving is Monarch and, more specifically, Dr. Mark Russell (Kyle Chandler).  While the star of G:KoTM, here he's given about ten minutes of screen time, but damn, during those ten minutes he shows he's lost about 50 IQ points.  His daughter Madison (Millie Bobby Brown) figures out the whole plot in the first 20 minutes.  And what she comes up with makes perfect sense considering what we've learned about Titans in the last 2 movies. But, rather than give her the time of day and realize that yes Godzilla is acting out of character, he instead falls back on, "Godzilla's just mean now. Deal with it!"

Those are my big problems with the movie. In short, it does NOT hold up well if you sit back and think about it. However, in this it shares head space with Jurassic World in that, yes it falls apart the moment you spend 30 seconds mulling it over, BUT you're probably having too much fun to care. 

And that's where the movie shines. It's big, it's loud, it's colorful, and it's a lot of fun.  At no point does it really take itself too seriously.  And the monster battles are pretty damned awesome. No doubt about it. 

The basic plot is that Monarch has built a giant Pauly Shore-esque biodome around Skull Island to both study and protect Kong.  They know that Kong is another alpha titan and with Godzilla as the reigning alpha that shit won't stand. However, they also realize that Kong is a bit of a drunken frat boy. He thinks he's tougher than he is.  So the biodome is to keep Godzilla from showing up and wrecking Kong's shit because .... um ... I have no idea why. I guess the world really likes giant monkeys or something. 

Whatever the case, big bad Apex corp wants to reach the hollow earth ... the thing they were supposed to be able to get to via Skull Island as per the last movie, but which is conveniently forgotten in lieu of a magic space tunnel in Antarctica. They're doing stuff which is pissing off Godzilla and causing him to attack - which only Madison, her friend Fire Fist from Deadpool 2, and a paranoid conspiracy blogger (Brian Tyree Henry) figure out. Apex wants an energy source from the hollow earth so ... they can piss off Godzilla even more so. 

Godzilla in the meanwhile, intercepts the ship carrying Kong and proves what a bad idea it is for Kong to fight him in the water - beating the crap out of and almost drowning him. 

Kong survives and eventually makes it to the hollow earth, where he finds the above-mentioned giant axe.  In the meantime, the evil Apex corp are using Skullcrawlers to test out the thing that's been setting Godzilla off - Mechagodzilla. And this Mechagodzilla is badass. It's wired to the skull of the dead Ghidorah and has been designed to compensate for Godzilla's main weakness - by having huge chiseled arms that can punch the shit out him.

Godzilla shows up again, still pissed off, and somehow blasts a hole through the streets of Hong Kong down into the hollow earth where Kong is chilling with his magic axe. Yes, he somehow blows a hole through several hundred miles of rock right to where Kong is. And no, I'm not questioning it.

Either way, Kong climbs out with his axe and they have their big showdown. Kong gets the upper hand, delivering a massive blow to Godzilla's head which ... he then shrugs off, gets up, and utter beats the shit out of Kong. 

That's it folks. There's your winner: Godzilla.  No doubt about it. Even with his magic axe made from a Godzilla fin (assumed, since it's never actually mentioned), Kong gets utterly crushed. This is probably why he didn't make a cameo in G:KoTM. Ghidorah would have fucked up his shit two ways to Sunday.

Too bad it's not over, as Ghidorah's skull then pulls a Megatron from Transformers Age of Extinction and takes over Mechagodzilla (again assumed, since nobody barely blinks when it takes on a life all its own). Mechagodzilla proceeds to wreck Godzilla - pretty much using his face as a battering ram throughout all of Hong Kong. 

However, then Kong gets back in the game, retrieves his axe, and he and Godzilla team up to take the robot down once and for all - proving the power of friendship is the best power of all ... I guess.

Godzilla and Kong have a stare down, but then Godzilla turns and heads back out to sea.  We cut to Kong, back in the hollow earth, having decided that's his new home and ... that's it.  The END. It's kind of an abrupt ending to things - again suffering from the fact that the movie could've used a bit more fleshing out and exposition. 

That all said, it's a wild, batshit, and ultimately fun ride. The monsters are the stars of this show and they very much deliver.  It's pure joy whenever we cut from the human drama to something big smashing something. 

Again, though, if you stop to think about it, it falls apart pretty quickly. 

Because of that, I'm forced to rank it 3rd in the Monsterverse movies. 

Godzilla: King of the Monsters, then Kong: Skull Island, followed by Godzilla vs. Kong, and finally the 2014 Godzilla (which ultimately suffered from being kinda dull).  

Don't get me wrong. Godzilla vs Kong is lots of fun. A definite popcorn movie for those looking for a good way to kill an evening.  I am certainly going to watch it again.  Just be sure to nod, go along with the ride, and try not to think too hard while you're in the middle of it all. 

You'll be that much happier for it.

Mar 1, 2021

The Top Ten Vampire Books You MUST Read Before You Die

Let's face facts, vampires are everywhere in the book world. They're in Urban Fantasy, Horror, Comedy, Horror Comedy, Romance, Thrillers, Suspense, Young Adult, and all sorts of other genres that make great search engine keywords for articles like this.

As such, people often ask, "Rick, as a vampire author" what are the top vampire novels you think I should read before I pass from this mortal coil?"  

It's a great and terrible burden to have foisted upon one's back, but one I am happy to shoulder. Because the truth, dear reader, is that not all vampire books are created equal.

Thus, I present to you, the top ten vampire books you need to read before you die. 

1) BILL THE VAMPIRE 

Well, yeah, I suppose I may have written this one. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't read it. What? You're the one who asked me? I'm just giving you my unbiased opinion on the subject.

No, I'm not being a self-indulgent clickbait writing prick by suggesting it. Well, okay, I might be, but that's beside the point.

Anyway, yes, you should definitely read Bill The Vampire (The Tome of Bill -1), if only to find out why "There are reasons we fear the night, he's not one of them."

Full of nerdy humor and pop culture awesomeness, it is the quintessential vampire comedy book, mostly because I said it is.


2) SCARY DEAD THINGS

Yeah, I know what you're thinking, but hear me out. It would be the height of dickishness for me to tell you how awesome Bill the Vampire is without also mentioning its sequel.

What kind of host would I be if I did that? 

Scary Dead Things is my number 2 pick to read before you die, because it's funny as fuck. Bill Ryder is back, running like hell from the "love" of his life - an immortal princess stuck in a child's body. 

If that doesn't scream vampire classic, then I honestly don't know what will make you people happy.


3) THE MOURNING WOODS 

Okay, I sort of get what you're saying. But before you accuse me of writing an entire article devoted to jacking off my own ego, hear me out.

Vampires vs. Sasquatch!

Seriously, how fucking cool is that? I mean, that alone should propel it to anyone's top three. Hell, if you don't love that concept, all I can say is begone because you obviously have no soul to speak of. 

This book has it all, chills, thrills, laughs, gore, and did I mention vampires fighting Bigfoot?  Because it has that, too. Now shut up and go read it.


4) THE WICKED DEAD

Why is The Wicked Dead (Tome of Bill 7) here? You mean besides being awesome as shit? Well, it's simple. It's penultimate book in the Tome of Bill series. I mean, heck, I can't just send you straight to the finale without setting it up.

That would be seriously uncool.

Oh, yeah, it was also written by an awesome author .... me! And I say that with complete humility.

The end of the world has never been so much fun. Don't believe me? Read it and prove me wrong. I dare you!
5) THE LAST COVEN

This is it!  The final chapter in the saga of Bill Ryder ... until the next chapter anyway.  But seriously, the finale of the Tome of Bill series has it all. 

You've seen other book series finales, right? You know they suck. Characters dying who should have lived, other characters doing dumb shit, and people being introduced just they can steal away other people from the characters they're supposed to fall in love with.

Fuck that noise. 

This is the series sequel you need. It even has a final chapter called "The Hate Mail Inducing Epilogue" because, damn it, I came prepared.


6) A HIGHER CALLING

Did I say that last book was the final story of Bill Ryder? Huh. I must've been mistaken.  This little ditty here - A Higher Calling (Bill of the Dead 0.5) serves as a bridge between The Tome of Bill and Bill of the Dead series.

So why is it here? Because it's wonderful, duh!  It's also FREE, as in beer. 

All you gotta do is sign up for a certain author's mailing list, and this little beauty is all yours. Go on, click the title. You know you want to.

Not only is it one of the top ten vampires books you MUST read before you die, but it doesn't cost you a dime. You're welcome.


7) STRANGE DAYS

The true horror of a series ending is it leaving you wanting more. Fortunately some authors (like me) are listening to your pleas of, "We need more Bill!!!"

Introducing Strange Days (Bill of the Dead 1). It's 5 years since the Tome of Bill ended, and shit is about to get surreal again. 

And yes, it is worthy of both the Tome of Bill name and being on this official list. And I say this being 100% objective on the matter. Seriously, if another book deserved to be in this spot, it would be ... but it doesn't, because it probably sucks - which is great if you're a vampire, but less great if you're reading about them.


8) EVERYDAY HORRORS

Once again, I'd be remiss to talk about the first book in a series without mentioning the kick-ass followup to it. 

Everyday Horrors is book 2 of Bill of the Dead. And it deserves its spot on this list for the character of Glen alone. Seriously? It's damned near impossible to read about that creepy little eyeball blob without falling in love with it.

Of course he's not a vampire, but fortunately there are still plenty of those here too, which makes this book eligible to be on this list.

Hell, you've made it this far. Why start turning your nose up now?
9) SECOND STRING SAVIOR

Okay, enough! I heard you. I'm being 100% fair in my choices here and to prove it, here's Second String Savior (False Icons 1) - written by someone else - R.E. Carr (and also co-written by me).

Err ... anyway. 

This spinoff to the Tome of Bill series, focuses on the exploits of a wannabe vampire slayer / superhero. Yeah, yeah, I know. But you can't have a vampire slayer without vampires ... duh!

It's also a wonderfully written coming of age story ... with a high body count. Because, well, what else do you really want from the teenage years?


10) BOTTOM FEEDERS 

Finally, we round out this list with Bottom Feeders, which is book 1 of the Bill of the Dead Adventures novella series. 

Amazing isn't it? But what I can I say? If those other vampire writers really wanted to make it to this list, well, they'd have seriously upped their game. 

Don't look at me. This is entirely their own fault.

As for this fun tale, once again we step into the shoes of a legendary vampire slayer ... just one who's maybe a bit stupider than the job really calls for. 

Will they survive? There's only one way to find out....


And that brings us to the end of our list. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did putting it together. If so, all my painstaking research and effort wasn't for naught. 

And don't worry. Plenty of other vampire novels came close to making it ... even including a few I didn't write. But, well, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. Go figure. Better luck next time, fellas! 

Until then ... go and grab you some vampire books!

 

Jan 6, 2020

What's your Tome of Bill Bigfoot Name?

It's almost time for EVERYDAY HORRORS (Bill of the Dead 2) to launch.

And to help celebrate the mood, I figured a little fun was in order. You already know how you died in the Tome of Bill, as well as what your vampire name would be.  Now discover who you would be if you had chosen the other side. It's time to be recruited into the ranks of THE FEET!

Click on the chart below to enlarge it and discover exactly how you bit the big one in the Tome of Bill series!

Sep 1, 2018

How did YOU die in the Tome of Bill?

So, you finally made it into a book series. Awesome!

Less awesome is the fact that, well, unlike your expectations, you're not really the star. In fact, you might actually be little more than an expendable extra.

But hey, if you gotta go, then you might as well go out in a blaze of glory or ... err ... donkey punching.

Anyway...

Click on the chart below to enlarge it and discover exactly how you bit the big one in the Tome of Bill series!

Jun 27, 2018

Rebranding Bill ... again

You might recall that in 2015 I finished a total rebrand of the Tome of Bill series. The goal then was simple: I had good covers, but I didn't have good series covers. I worked with Mallory Rock to make it happen and she delivered in spades.

Well, it's been 3 years since then. The ToB books have sold a lot of copies with those "new" covers and all was well with the world.

So why change again, now?

It's simple. 3 years is a long time in the book business and I've watched the Urban Fantasy genre evolve. While I still think the branding of those covers is top notch, I began to feel that perhaps they were no longer indicative of the market / genre itself.

So I reached out to some cover designers and illustrators with my thoughts ... mainly being that I wanted covers that conveyed three things: an urban fantasy feel to them, a sense of branding, but also that unique blend of horror and comedy that I've tried to instill into my series. No small order for anyone, no matter how talented.

The results were ... mixed, let's say.

Why did I search elsewhere? I don't know. I guess a part of me felt I needed a new look, and a new look required talking to new people.

That was a mistake on my part, and I'm happy to admit it. I already had a strong relationship with my existing cover artist and she knew both my books and the type of stuff I typically asked for.

So I sat down with Mallory, we discussed updating the ToB, and I think we both came away excited at the task before us.

It's still a work in progress, and we're moving slowly so as to get each new iteration just right.  That said, the first three are below and I think she's knocked it out of the park.

I'll be updating ebook first with these, with print to come later (so I don't end up selling people half a series with one brand, and the other half with different covers).

I hope you're excited by what you see. I know I am. 

From shadows to stepping into the light ... albeit not sunlight
Bad guys are great ... but Gan is better.
You wanted more Turd. Admit it!

May 29, 2018

Teaser Chapter for GET BENT!

I am pleased to offer you a small taste of things to come for my new novel:

GET BENT! (the Hybrid of High Moon book 1)

THEY SAY I'M AN ABOMINATION.
I SAY WORDS HURT ... BUT NOT AS MUCH AS MY FISTS.

My name is Tamara Bentley, Bent to my friends, and I’m not supposed to exist. I was born of the forbidden union between a witch and a werewolf, and they’ve been trying their damnedest to hide my existence ever since.

But now my secret is out, and my uncle, the leader of the wolf pack, is pissed beyond belief. In his eyes, I’m something that should’ve never been born. He wants me dead and doesn’t care who he has to sacrifice to get the job done.

I’m far from helpless, though. Not only am I a champion athlete, but I’m strong enough to punch out a bus. Good thing, too, because a rare lunar event is about to increase my uncle’s already terrifying power. I’ll have to call on every last ounce of strength I have to survive the night and save the lives of everyone counting on me.

http://www.rickgualtieri.com/reader/219569
Rough hands reached out to grab hold of me, changing into ragged claws in the time it took the brute in the Phillies cap to close the distance between us.

For a moment, I was too stunned to react, but then he blinked and the dull brown of his eyes was replaced with bloodshot yellow – the same eyes I’d seen staring back at me from multiple hairy heads the night before.

No flipping way!

How? The full moon was last night. It was over, it wouldn’t happen again for...

The questions would have to wait. Whether or not I believed what I was seeing, my reality was about to become seriously hairy.

The man’s ... err, wolf’s claws tore painfully through my shirt and started to drag me from my seat. I instinctively grabbed hold of the table to stop myself from being pulled out and felt its moorings groan in protest.

That gave me an idea.

“Lean back,” I said to Riva.

There wasn’t time to say more. I just had to hope she trusted me. I gave a yank, adding my own strength to my attacker’s, and the table tore free from the wall. I flipped it up and slammed it into the waiting faces of both our would-be assailants, sending them staggering back.

Impossible as it had seemed only moments ago, apparently whatever I had in me functioned just fine in the light of day, too – a handy thing to know.

Pity that the same could also be said about our gracious hosts.

I turned to find the waitress and cook both changing. And I don’t mean their clothes.

Both of them were growing taller, more muscular, and a lot furrier.

“I told you we should have gone to Gib’s!” Riva screeched, huddled in her seat.

“Fair enough. Next time, you can choose where we eat. Stay behind me!”

Both Phillies Cap and Wife Beater recovered quickly and likewise continued to change. Hands became claws, ears became longer and pointier, and clothes ripped to shreds, affording me a far better view of them than I really wanted.

While I’d seen my fair share of horror movies, I didn’t really consider myself a connoisseur. Still, one of the more obvious mistakes in them is that people always stand around gaping when they should be moving. It’s like that old Michael Jackson video Thriller. The girl stands there for like five minutes as he turns into a monster, when she could have been halfway to the next county.

It was a lesson I took to heart.

The two truck stop werewolves were still busy snarling, snapping, and growing extra hair when I charged. I plowed into Phillies Cap, the larger of the two, shoulder-first. I half expected to rebound off the much bigger man – my mind still insisting we were playing by the normal rules. Instead, I took him off his feet, carried him across the room, and plowed into the mirrored wall of the diner hard enough to make the building shudder.

Glass shattered all around us and he let out a great big belch of air. Not satisfied that he was properly dissuaded, I drove a fist into his gut, the oddly undulating flesh giving way as I pushed the contents of his stomach up against his spine.

I backed up a step and he fell to his knees retching, just in time for me to sense movement from behind.

Wife Beater had double-timed his change, seeing that I wasn’t going to stand there and scream like a good victim. Eww, a werewolf with a beer belly – not a good look.

He raced forward and I half turned so that my profile was facing him. At the last moment, I bent low, letting his momentum carry him into me.

Oof! Damn, these things were strong.

I lifted him up in a fireman’s carry, meaning to dump his ass on the floor and put him in the danger position. But I underestimated my own strength and sent him flying instead. Oops.

“Um, I meant to do that.” Oh yeah, some practice was definitely in my future ... if I lived through this.

Fortunately, if there was only one upside to fighting monsters, as opposed to wrestling, there was no such thing as being called for an illegal move. So I, in a rare display of unsportsmanlike conduct, hurried across the room before Wife Beater could get up and planted my foot into his face with a satisfying crunch.

Two down – for now anyway. That left two more asses to kick.

“Bent! Look out!”

Or not.

Yeah, that’s what I’d been afraid of. Seeing that I was no pushover, it was only a matter of time before the other side threw the Marquess of Queensberry Rules out the window and rushed me all at once.

The others weren’t stupid either, not like their hick cousins. There was no grandstanding, no attempt to intimidate me. They simply slammed into me as I turned their way, one high and one low.

It was like being hit by a fur-covered truck.

The wind was driven out of my lungs and I landed atop of the one I’d just given the boot to, the meat in a werewolf sandwich. I didn’t consider myself a prude, but this was one kink I really didn’t see myself getting into. A little hair on a man’s chest was one thing, but even I had my limits.

Mind you, that was the least of my problems right then.

Fire raced up my leg as one of the wolves, the waitress I think, bit into my thigh, her teeth shredding my jeans and probably not doing wonders to the flesh beneath.

Before I could cry out, the one atop me – the cook most likely – slashed my face. There came a spray of blood, almost certainly my own, and my cheek instantly felt like it was on fire.

See if I leave you assholes a tip now.



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