May 23, 2013

Toilet Humor

Recently I was asked why I didn't include a photo on the jacket of my paperbacks. The obvious answer should probably be because I’m not someone who most people probably feel the need to stare at, and until I start working out again that’s probably a good thing for all of us. Of course the temptation is there to photoshop myself onto a beefcake body, add more hair, maybe give my eyes a more stunning color, et cetera, but somehow I resist the urge.

The real answer (much like all real answers) is a bit more complicated, though.  See, I used to.  If you’re one of the dozen or so people who picked up the original paperback of Bigfoot Hunters, you may have noticed my smiling mug creepily leering at you from the back cover...assuming you didn't think someone had perhaps shaved one of the titular monsters and put it back there as a cruel joke to society.  It’s okay if you did. I often have to wear a sign whenever I visit the Bronx Zoo that reads “Not an exhibit!” I’m used to these sorts of things.

Anyhow, I didn't leave it there for long. When next I revised the cover, gone was my grinning visage. In its place I left a dark vortex of mystery in which you, the reader, can use your imagination to consider what foul creatures might be lurking there...or in other words, some blank space.  Hey, I never claimed to be a master of graphic design.

This is partially because of what I mentioned above.  The other part is a bit more - disturbing.  See, in a bid to get people to stop laughing whenever I pathetically mewled, “Hey, I wrote a book!” in a desperate cry for attention (daddy, why didn't you love me!?), I handed out a few paperbacks I had lying around. I figured that at minimum I’d get a few, “Fine, you wrote a book. Do you want a medal?” replies.

Much to my joy, though, one of my friends told me a few weeks later that he’d started Bigfoot Hunters and was impressed.  He said it was great bathroom reading.  Oh well, not quite the set of Masterpiece Theater, but as long as he was enjoying it...

But he didn't stop there.   He had to also point out that there was one little bit of weirdness for him.  To paraphrase, “I noticed your picture on the back cover.  So while I’m reading, it’s kind of like you’re there staring at my junk while I take a shit.”

*sigh*

And that was the beginning of the end for me.  Much like a bad song, his words stuck in my mind - repeating themselves over and over again, to the point where I would have gladly replaced them with a lifetime of Justin Bieber music playing in my skull (well maybe not going that far).

Even worse I had to consider the old concept, supposedly held by primitive peoples around the world, of photos stealing one’s soul.  What if that were true? What if every book I sold contained a little piece of me on the back cover...a little piece that was forever doomed to watch people poop?

Alas, I couldn't take that chance...even for those parts of my soul that are kind of assholes and probably deserve it.  Thus I chose to remove my photo to save myself from such a fate as well as spare you, dear reader, from having my disembodied head staring at you while your pants are down.  You’re welcome.

Of course this doesn't save you from the countless other tomes you might have lying around.  Me either, now that I think of it. Great!  Now I’m gonna have to take duct tape to ALL of my paperbacks...especially those ones by Dean Koontz in his porno-stache phase (shudder).

Yeah, I think I’m gonna stick to ebooks too from now on...


May 10, 2013

Big @ss Book Giveaway, through May 15th.

I am pleased to be a part of a massive springtime book giveaway hosted by best selling author Elle Casey, a fabulous writer, overall wonderful person, and someone who can crank out a good book in about the time it takes me to decide what to have for breakfast.

So that's all well and good, you may be thinking, but what's in it for me?

That's an easy one.

There are 190 different titles across multiple genres available in the giveaway.  In total over 1500 books are up for grabs.

Of course this includes yours truly.

So what I am bringing to the table?  I'm glad you asked.  I'm offering 2 tiers of prizes.  You can enter to win a free ebook copy of Bill The Vampire in the format of your choice.

That being said, if you're already here, there might be a slightly better than average chance you've already taken a look at it.  Arrogant of me to assume, I know, but allow me the indulgence -  it's been a long week.

One lucky winner, though, will receive the full Tome of Bill series to date, books 1-4, in paperback.  That includes:

Bill The Vampire
Scary Dead Things
The Mourning Woods
and my latest
Holier Than Thou

Heck I'm in a good mood, so I'll offer up this. They'll be autographed copies. Easily a $50,000 value (in my mind at least), all for the price of...nothing!

Be the "envy" (I obviously have a loose definition of that word) of your friends as you proudly display these treasures on your bookshelf, coffee table, or toilet tank.  Whatever floats your boat.

And while you're there, be sure to check out the other entries as well. There are some awesome picks to be had in just about any genre you might like.

You can enter HERE.  

Be quick, the giveaway is only open between May 10th through May 15th. Dawdle at your own risk.

To enter for the ebooks, look under the title Bill The Vampire.  For the paperback grand prize of awesomeness, look for The Tome of Bill.

Good luck and happy reading!

May 3, 2013

To that person who left me the lousy review...

I just wanted to say that I will find you.  I will hunt you to the ends of the earth.  I will make you beg like a dog while I proceed to skin you alive in front of your family.  I will chew on your face like bubble gum while I strap a...

Oh wait, no I won't.

What I meant to say was thank you.  Thank you for giving my book a chance.  I very much appreciate it and I'm sorry that it didn't work out for whatever reason.  Nevertheless, I value your opinion and you can be sure that I take any and all critique seriously, even those I don't necessarily agree with.  Cheers to you and I hope your next read will be an enjoyable one.  Maybe one day we'll meet again in this not-so big world.  If so, perhaps my next endeavor will be more to your liking.

Confused yet?  Hopefully most of you aren't.

You see, I'm fairly (sometimes) rational, often self-deprecating, and generally at least try to pretend to act like a professional. I'm very proud of my novels, but they aren't my children.  Despising them isn't even remotely in the same league as running over my pets.  You may hate them with a fury that makes the sun seem like a snowball and I will respect that.  Should you point out a typo to me, I won't chew off your head.  Tell me my characters are flat, I won't invoke primal gods to strike you down.  Let me know my sense of humor is about as funny as a pack of starving orphans, I won't race to my Facebook page and demand that you be made to pay for your "crimes".

In short, I am an adult.  I don't promise to always act like one, but I will always at least try to not be that spoiled child who didn't get a pony for their birthday.

Happy reading to you all, and to a few of my fellow authors out there: lighten up.  They're just stories (mine most definitely included).  Give your family or friends a hug and remind yourself that real life isn't made of paper. There are far better reasons to get angry.

Apr 21, 2013

Holier Than Thou (The Tome of Bill, Part 4) is now available

I am pleased to announce that 1) I'm still alive and this blog hasn't been abandoned and - oh yeah - 2) Holier Than Thou (the Tome of Bill, part 4) has been released! Woo!

Apologies for any delay in updating or posting here.  I have been absolutely swamped with projects, not the least of which has been trying to get this book ready for launch.  I hope to bring this blog back to at least a semi-regular posting schedule of inane thoughts and various other time wasters in the coming weeks.  But in the meantime...

Woo, again!



There are reasons the undead fear the night...

Bill Ryder - gamer, geek, and legendary vampire - has woman troubles.  The girl he wants is deadly to him.  The girl who wants him is deadly to everyone else.  He’s trapped in the most lethal love triangle he can imagine and it’s only going to get worse.

On the eve of war, The Icon - ancient foe of the vampire race - has arisen. Panic is about to break out within the undead ranks and Bill is caught smack dab in the middle of it.  Destiny has placed them on a cataclysmic collision course, but there’s just one small catch: he’s in love with her.

Now he finds himself in a race against supernatural assassins to save the person who’s fated to destroy him.  Talk about being damned if you do...

Unsure of his allies and outnumbered by enemies, Bill must dig deep within himself and find the faith to succeed - because if he fails, it’ll be more than just his social life in tatters.



Holier Than Thou (the Tome of Bill, part 4) is 95k words of foul-mouthed undead insanity by Rick Gualtieri, author of Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, and The Mourning Woods.

Available now for:
Kindle
Nook
Smashwords

Coming soon to Paperback and Audio Book.

Feb 17, 2013

Holier Than Thou (the Tome of Bill, part IV): Teaser 2

HOLIER THAN THOU (The Tome of Bill, part IV)
Coming Soon

TEASER 2 (and alternate cover)

There are reasons the undead fear the night...

Bill Ryder - gamer, geek, and legendary vampire - has woman troubles.  The girl he wants is deadly to him.  The girl who wants him is deadly to everyone else.  He’s trapped in the most lethal love triangle he can imagine and it’s only going to get worse.

On the eve of war, The Icon - ancient foe of the vampire race - has arisen. Panic is about to break out within the undead ranks and Bill is caught smack dab in the middle of it.  Destiny has placed them on a cataclysmic collision course, but there’s just one small catch: he’s in love with her.

Now he finds himself in a race against supernatural assassins to save the person who’s fated to destroy him.  Talk about being damned if you do...

Unsure of his allies and outnumbered by his enemies, Bill must dig deep within himself and find the faith to succeed - because if he fails, it’ll be more than just his social life in tatters.




As we began our walk to the loft, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. It made me wish I had spent more time working out. On top of all of that, though, there was one more tiny detail to add to my growing list of personal baggage.

“Couldn’t have told me in advance about the party, could you?” I glanced down at my jacket and camo sweatpants that contrasted with Sally's heels, tight dress and well-coifed hair.

“Would you have come?”

“No.”

“Now you know why I didn’t tell you,” she smirked.

“You could have at least picked me up a change of clothes, then.”

She rolled her eyes. “Sorry, Bill, but I don’t answer to the call of ‘attention K-mart shoppers’.” Bitch!  “Besides, it fits your story better. You look like you just came in from a training exercise in the field.” She gave me the once-over and sighed. “Well, sorta.”

“You didn’t tell them anything about the Icon, did you?”

“Fuck no. My tongue is golden, but I wasn’t about to touch that one.”

“We can’t keep it a secret forever, you know.”

“I know, but I sure as shit want to try. It’ll be bad enough once they know she exists, but it would be best if nobody found out it was all because of your misguided case of puppy love.”

I glowered at her. She had no idea how deep my feelings for Sheila ran.

“Boston doesn’t know what happened, either.”

“Really?”

“Yep. I didn’t even tell James.”

“He’s back?”

“Returned to the states a week ago. Gave me a call to see how things were going.”

James is a six-hundred year old vampire and former contemporary of Marco Polo. He’s also a freshly minted member of the Draculas. Leaving out something this important wasn’t usually an option, at least for those of us who cared to keep breathing. I was happy that they didn’t know about the Icon yet, but it would be less awesome once they discovered everything later, especially my connection to her.

“You didn’t tell them anything?”

“I didn’t talk to them, just James. No fucking way was I letting Colin know shit about anything.” Colin was James’s assistant, and a weasely little suck-up of a vampire. The second he learned something, you could be sure anyone who outranked him knew about it, too.

“And you didn’t mention...”

“Relax, Bill. All I gave him was a mundane status report and a quick note that you were taking some time off.”

I stopped and turned to face her. “Really?”

“Yes really. If I told them even the slightest thing, the entire city would be crawling with vampire hitmen by now. I said just enough to make us look like good undead citizens. Hopefully this will give us a little more time to figure things out on our own.”

I had been so busy feeling sorry for myself and trying to keep Christy from finding out, that I hadn’t bothered to consider the vampire nation might take a nuke it from orbit approach. In all likelihood, Sally had saved Sheila’s life.

“Th-thanks,” I stammered.

“Oh don’t get all drippy on me,” she said dismissively. “I’m doing it more for me anyway. I don’t want to have to listen to you whine about it for the next century or two.”

“That’s very...human of you, Sally.”

“Don’t push your luck,” she sniffed and started walking again. “Let’s go, we’re late enough as it is.”

“Think James would have kept it to himself?”

“Doubt it. That’s why I only gave him a status report. Even if he had wanted to keep a lid on things, he’d probably still need to inform the other Draculas, especially Alex.”

My fangs  extended and my lips pulled back in a grimace. “Once he finds out the truth, I bet he’ll be creaming his pants knowing that one of his precious prophesies has come true.”

“No doubt, but the rest of the Draculas probably won’t be nearly as pleased. It could cause a panic. Once word gets out, vamps halfway around the world will see the Icon hiding under their bed. With the war looming, they don’t need that crap right now.”

Sheila hiding under my bed? Now there was a thought.  Unfortunately, any relationship with her was going to be facing some difficulties in the days ahead. Talk about an understatement. She was capable of frying me extra crispy with just a touch. That made even a handshake, much less anything more intimate, a tad difficult. Hell, that might not even be the half of it. If she was like me, perhaps she also had a few hidden tricks in her arsenal of powers.

I got sidetracked before I could ride that train of thought very far, though. As the building that housed the loft came into view, I realized something wasn’t quite right. The first floor was dark.

“They closed the bar?”

“I heard they’re renovating the place. Probably gonna take a couple of months too. Pity, guess it’ll be nothing but take out for a while.”

The loft occupied the third floor. With the exception of the bar, the entire structure was coven territory. The noise from the small club at street level  drowned out any of the atrocities that occurred in other sections of the building. Though the hunters in the coven were usually careful to keep most of their activities spread throughout the city, the bar also proved handy in times of need, or so I was told. I strictly stick to the bottled stuff, although Tom and Ed are often (rightfully so) quick to question where our bottled blood comes from. I try to convince myself we get it from hospitals and other willing donors, but I’m not a complete idiot. Let’s just say that there are some instances where a policy of don’t ask, don’t tell is necessary to maintain one’s sanity.

Remembering the night I was turned and the others in attendance that weren’t as lucky as me, I wasn’t overly dismayed to see the bar closed. It might mean whatever party Sally had planned would be relatively trauma free (for me and any hors d’oeuvres unlucky enough to be present). All things considered, I found myself hoping that they’d take their sweet-ass time renovating the place.

“Come on, Bill, stop day dreaming,” Sally said, prodding me on. “I don’t know about you, but I could use a few stiff drinks to drown out the dorkitude of the day.”

I stopped dilly-dallying and followed her. Maybe she was right. I probably did need to relax a little. Besides which, it’s not like it would all be torture. There would definitely be some eye-candy on display, and I certainly wasn’t above playing Willy Wonka for an evening. Adding hard liquor to the mix wasn’t bad for that equation either. Hell, a few months back I had walked in on Firebird and Vanessa, two of the looser members of the coven, topless and making out. They had been shit-faced drunk and didn’t care who had watched. Talk about a fang bang.  I definitely wouldn’t say no if given a chance to see that show again. The last time had fueled my personal fantasies for quite a few weeks.

For the first time that evening, I allowed myself a genuine smile. Maybe Sally was right. The world could wait for one more night, especially if the night held the promise of seeing some tits.

Sadly, fate took a perverse pleasure in waiting for me to drop my guard just before blowing up in my face. That night was no different...quite literally in fact. Sally and I had just reached the front door when our world exploded in green flame.



Coming soon! (seriously!)

Jan 12, 2013

Holier Than Thou - Teaser 1, Blurb, and Cover.

HOLIER THAN THOU (The Tome of Bill, part 4)
Coming Soon

There are reasons the undead fear the night...

Bill Ryder - gamer, geek, and legendary vampire - has woman troubles.  The girl he wants is deadly to him.  The girl who wants him is deadly to everyone else.  He’s trapped in the most lethal love triangle he can imagine and it’s only going to get worse.

On the eve of war, The Icon - ancient foe of the vampire race - has arisen. Panic is about to break out within the undead ranks and Bill is caught smack dab in the middle of it.  Destiny has placed them on a cataclysmic collision course, but there’s just one small catch: he’s in love with her.

Now he finds himself in a race against supernatural assassins to save the person who’s fated to destroy him.  Talk about being damned if you do...

Unsure of his allies and outnumbered by his enemies, Bill must dig deep within himself and find the faith to succeed - because if he fails, it’ll be more than just his social life in tatters.




Running through the thick forest, I felt truly alive. They say that man is the ultimate predator. If so, should he not also make the ultimate prey? It’s a thrilling concept. Now imagine taking that to the ultimate level...hunting a predator that’s even higher on the food chain. There’s a fitting reason it’s called the most dangerous game.

The woods were pitch-black, but that wasn’t enough to even barely slow me down. My supernaturally attuned eyes cut easily through all but the darkest of gloom as I sought out my target. She thought she could evade me, perhaps even turn the tables and win. She would soon find out how wrong she was.

As I pursued her through the forest primordial, a small voice in the back of my head reminded me that I should be cautious. She was far more dangerous than the others. I indulged myself and thought back to them, the ones who had already been dispatched - two humans, frail and weak. In another life they had meant something to me, but not out here. The one called Ed had been the first to fall. She had seen to that. Tom was next, by my own hand. I had sensed his impending betrayal and been the first to act. He had begged for mercy, but I had shown none...such is the way of my kind.

I stopped and got my bearings, letting my senses expand around me. Sounds, sights, and scents filled my very being. The feeling was incredible. For one brief terrible moment I was tempted to throw back my head and howl primal defiance at the moon, but I knew that would be foolish. She might be listening. Though I felt no fear at facing her, I had no intention of giving her any edge.

There...a scent, hers. It was intoxicating - awakening a deep need inside of me - but I pushed those thoughts away. I was here to hunt and would not be distracted so easily. I honed in on her smell, letting it play out across my hyper-sensitive nostrils for a moment before once more bounding off into the darkness.

I savored the feel of the weapon in my hand. It would do nicely. If I so chose, she would never see it coming. It would be quick and clean...if I wanted it to be. I didn’t, though. I wanted her to know who had hunted her down. The look upon her face as she realized I was the one who had vanquished her would be too much of a prize to turn down. I smiled in anticipation and quickened my pace.

Victory was mine for the taking, as was fitting. Even amongst predators, I am at the very apex. My name is Bill Ryder and I’m a vampire, an immortal beast of the night - but that’s not all. I am the legendary Freewill of vampire lore. The others speak of me and my coming in hushed tones. A great destiny has been foretold for me. Much honor and glory shall be laid at my feet one day.

Feh! Let them keep their prophecies. I do not exist for them or the future they proclaim for me. No, I live only in the here and now...and right now I was closing in on my prey.

* * *

There! A lesser being might have missed it, but not me. I could see the fabric of her jacket peeking through the foliage. She was lying in wait for me, hoping for an ambush. She was a smart girl, but sadly not smart enough.

I circled her position, keeping myself outside of her range. I moved as quickly and quietly as I was able, thus none save perhaps another of my kind would have been able to tell of my passing. Therein lay the challenge. Though not sharing of my lofty status, the one out there had skill and power of her own. She might very well be able to sense that I was advancing upon her. Thinking quickly, I bent low and picked a few pebbles from the ground.

I held my breath and counted to ten. When I made my move, it would have to be fast. The ruse would only fool her for seconds at best.

Now! I stood and threw the stones back in the direction from whence I came. They rained down from the sky, disturbing the area where I had been only moments earlier.

Before the last of them had hit the ground, I was once again on the move. Bringing all of my considerable speed to bear, I raised my weapon and advanced upon her hiding spot.

She never saw me coming. There was no movement from the spot where she hid, so intent was she on waiting for me to fall into the trap she had set.

Weapon ready, I at last made my presence known.

“It’s over, Sally.”

I pulled the trigger.



Coming soon!

Dec 23, 2012

What NOT to do when you're a Writing Newb

2012 is rapidly drawing to a close and what a wild ride it's been. Compared to last year, this one has been utterly amazing and I am truly thankful for it. That doesn't mean, though, that I'm putting on blinders or drinking my own kool-aid (it's a pretty nasty flavor anyway :). Instead, I've found myself wanting to give a little bit back. These past few weeks I've been posting the parts to Bill's Vampiric Christmas Carol. That's been my little bit of holiday cheer to those who have taken some enjoyment from my writing. That's just one side of the coin, though.

The other side is the business itself. I've met a ton of awesome writers this year and have also seen a lot of new faces in this industry. It's to that latter group that this post is intended. Typically, the first few things I see a lot of new writers ask are: "How do I market this?" "How do I sell this? "How do I do XXXXX?" Unfortunately, I'm not here to answer those.

There are plenty of awesome resources and forums out there for that. What I instead wanted to give was some advice on what NOT to do. Why? Because for all of those new faces I've seen, I've unfortunately witnessed far too many of them shoot themselves in their own feet. I believe that in a lot of cases this has nothing to do with their talent for writing. A goodly chunk is sheer inexperience coupled with perhaps not having developed the thick skin this business necessitates.

Now don't take this the wrong way. This post is not about me getting on some moral high horse. I've done and continue to do plenty of stupid things. What type of person you are behind closed doors is neither my concern nor really any of my beeswax. Pretend instead that I'm offering the following advice from a purely business perspective, because that's what you are now. The moment you decided to put something up on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or elsewhere; you became a businessperson and you need to think about that in every aspect of what you do with regards to your product.

What follows is a small smattering of behaviors that, in my opinion anyway, it would be best to avoid.

What NOT to do regarding Quality: Very few of us can throw together 50,000 words without having it utterly riddled with typos, grammatical errors, and the like. Your work and mine all require editing, most likely a lot of it. Whether you decide to do it yourself or hire it out, it needs to be done. It doesn't matter what you price your book at. A $.99 price tag is not an excuse to release something you have given exactly zero editing thought toward. Do not expect people to pay you for the privilege of beta reading your product.

Possibly even worse than the above is whining about it in a public forum. I will tell you right now, you will receive exactly ZERO sympathy from people by giving them excuses like "I can't afford an editor, people should ignore the typos and concentrate on the story." Don't even think of it, unless you really want people to roll their eyes and judge you clueless.

That's not to say you should lock yourself in a cave, rereading your work until you're 100% certain it's perfect...trust me, it still won't be. Typos slip through, even with the best of efforts (or costs). That being said, there's a vast difference between a small handful of typos and releasing a book that you know is the equivalent of a kindergarten essay written in crayon. Similarly inexcusable is replying with anything other than politeness and thanks to anyone good enough to point out an error to you. Thank them and fix it (if you are able...not always an option if you're signed with a publisher). That is all.

What NOT to do regarding Reviews: Your book is exactly that, a book. It's not a child, it's not a baby, and it's not a physical extension of you. It is a product and like any products there are people who are going to despise it for any of a thousand reasons. My advice: be prepared for it and then get over it. It's going to happen. JK Rowling has sold far more books than you ever will and she's still gotten plenty of one-star reviews.

If at all possible, you shouldn't reply to reviews, at least those on sales forums such as Amazon. Reviews aren't for you, they're for other readers. Replying to every single one just makes you look like a creepy, obsessive stalker. Quadruple that for replying to negative reviews. It is not your job to defend your work, belittle those who have spent time and/or money on your book, or just throw a public temper tantrum. NONE of those will help do anything other than tell people you're a potential asshole. Yes I said it. Do you like purchasing goods from people who are assholes? I know I don't. I'd say it's in your best interest to not be one.

You might even be best served by not reading reviews at all. I know it's tough, but it can be done, especially if you know you're unlikely to be able to take criticism well. Keep things in perspective. Someone didn't purposely run over your dog, it's just a review. Just remember, as I said above, they're not for you anyway. Worry instead about improving your craft and writing that next book. It'll be time far better spent.

Along those same lines, do NOT try to game the system in your favor. That email from Amazon - the one asking you to review your own book - it's just an automated email, they don't mean it. Don't review your own stuff, either under your own name or under fake accounts. Just don't. I know you think you're clever enough to never get caught, but you're wrong. I've taught at the college level and if I've learned one thing doing so it's that most people who cheat aren't bright enough to get away with it. Avoid reviewing yourself, paying for reviews, and/or falling in with circles of other authors who will give you a five star in exchange for you doing the same. Even if you don't find this morally reprehensible (which you hopefully do), consider that there are plenty of people out there who will eventually read about your shenanigans and put you at the top of their "Never Ever Read" list without a second thought.

What NOT to do with regards to Social Media: This is a big one because almost any interaction online counts toward social media. So we'll try breaking it down by type. First things first, though, and this rule covers them all. Remember that thing above about being perceived as a potential asshole? Well don't answer that question to everyone by acting like one online. Sarcasm is fine. Humor is awesome. Being an outright dick? Not so much. There's a fine line there. Take care not to cross it.

-Forums: Forums can be great places to connect both with other writers as well as readers. Forums can also be a great place to bury yourself under an avalanche of your own stupidity. First things first: READ THE FUCKING RULES. Every forum has them. Most don't take kindly to you ignoring them, so you can barrel in screaming, "Buy my new book!" Most of their users don't either.

Remember that many forums are public. Even if you're amongst a circle of other authors, don't presume there aren't plenty of lurkers around. If you start badmouthing people, anyone who's there reading will be able to see it. That won't exactly help your burgeoning reputation. You'll also look like a moron for presuming things are private when they quite obviously are not.

Speaking of badmouthing...don't do it toward anyone who might be your potential audience. Step back a moment and consider that there are people actually paying for your product. You don't bite the hand that feeds you. You don't look down upon people for being "merely readers". You don't challenge them to write their own book. You don't bitch about them for not leaving you a review. You don't (add anything negative here). That doesn't mean you have to kiss anyone's ass. Lively open debate is fine. Acting like a spoiled child who didn't get a toy from Santa is not.

-Facebook: Spamming other people's timelines is an assholish thing to do. If you like my page, don't assume that gives you full reign to post unrelated shit on my timeline. I, and many others, will delete it and ban you.

If you happen to get lucky and attract a fan base: engage with them, appreciate them, and have fun with them. Do NOT use them as your personal attack dogs. If someone gives you a bad review, it is NOT okay to unleash your fans against them like they're the minions of your own personal little Mordor. Just remember: things ended badly for Sauron.

-Twitter: Twitter is one of the few places where continual advertising is tolerated. That being said, by all means do so if you want to be entirely buried in the sea of other people doing it. You won't stand out by doing what everyone else is doing. Engage and occasionally just tweet about yourself. Show people there's a real human being behind that tweet button.

Avoid automatic messages to new followers. It's tacky and it's obvious when you're doing it. Remember, it's very easy for someone to unfollow you or outright block you if you annoy them enough.

Speaking of unfollowing: don't follow someone then wait for them to follow you before unfollowing them just so you can bump up your stats. Did that make sense? Hopefully it did. Either way, it's not cool and people will eventually call you out on it.

This is getting long, so I'll end it now. Maybe in the New Year I'll release a part 2. Hopefully, though, it won't be necessary. The gist of the above is really about putting out the best product you can and acting like a professional about it...or - if you prefer the converse - just not being a dick. Some would claim that any publicity is good publicity. I tend to disagree. Me? I'd rather people concentrate on my stories than what a train wreck I am. Hopefully you will too.

Good luck with your writing and have a Happy Holidays!