Book Reading and Signing (sorta)

So this weekend is a pretty big one for me.  It's my first ever BOOK SIGNING!!! (wooo!).

There's only one problem...I screwed up.  Due to delays with my printer and abject stupidity on my part, I'm going into the weekend with one major deficiency with regards to a book signing.

Here's a hint as to what I'm missing: BOOKS!

Seriously!  How flipping idiotic is that??  I mean jeez, you'd think I had spent the last week sucking down margaritas like there was no tomorrow.

Well ok, maybe I had one or two, but still...

and they were really good....

Mango flavored even!

Err...ok, I know I know.  Enough with the pathetic excuses.  More importantly, how am I gonna fix this mess?

Simple!  There's no reason for you to suffer for my moronic tendencies.

Thus, my solution is to reward you for my own failings.

Pop on by and say Hi!  I'll be conducting readings from my latest book, BIGFOOT HUNTERS.  Heck, I might even throw you a sneak peak at its upcoming sequel, DEVIL HUNTERS.

When all is said and done, come on over and jot your name down on the nice sheet of paper.  Just for coming on over and making me feel special (or for berating me for not having any books to sell), I will gift you with a complimentary copy of either BIGFOOT HUNTERS or my comedy/horror novel, BILL THE VAMPIRE.  Your choice and also in the format of your preference.

Like Kindle? No problem.  Own a Nook?  That's cool.  Want a Print version?  Now you're talking!  Ask for a Print version and not only will I mail you a FREE copy, but I will make it a free AUTOGRAPHED copy.  Hey, it was supposed to be a book signing after all, wasn't it?  What good is the damn thing if you don't get my John Hancock out of the deal?


Here are the gory details:
When: Sunday May 20
Time: Noon to 2PM (EST)
Where: Hip Thrift and Art Gallery
407 South Ave W
Westfield, NJ 07090-1403
across from NJ Transit rail station
Free parking behind store
(908) 232-8223

Stop by, chat, listen to me figure out how to read a chapter without the naughty words, and get a FREE gift in the process.

Not too shabby for a complete screw-up, is it?

Double Book Review: Bible Girl and Atticus for the Undead

Once again I find myself having finished (albeit still editing) a story, and once more, like a dog that hasn’t pooped on the rug in a while, I am rewarding myself for the effort. That reward being a small tradition I began when I started writing: a few books and the time to read them.

If anything, that is my lone regret with regards to writing: it takes away from my reading time. Thus, using it as an incentive for myself makes the whole deal that much sweeter. In other words, it works for me!

Hopefully it works for you too as it gives me a chance to highlight here some of the finer works I’ve treated myself to.

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Bible Girl by EC Stilson

I am not normally a listener of Lady Gaga; however, I have to admit that while reading this book one her songs came to mind: Born This Way. If I could think of the perfect theme song for Stilson’s younger self, that would be it.

Bible Girl is the second in a trilogy of memoirs from EC Stilson. The first was the excellent and emotionally wrenching The Golden Sky. However, much like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, this sequel is actually a prequel. It details the final days of Stilson’s high school career and her journey towards both becoming an adult as well as falling in love.

Whereas The Golden Sky has a tragic undertone to it, Bible Girl is a much lighter affair. Most of the drama is centered around teenage angst as well as several members of the support cast (many of whom come across as judgmental assholes if I may be frank), but that’s about as deep as it gets. Regardless, Stilson has a way of making even her lowest moments shine.

That being said, the majority of this book focuses on the humorous and absurd aspects of her life, and the odd circumstances that lead her from being an awkward teen to those first important steps as an adult.

Stilson truly has a gift for writing, being able to take what might otherwise be mundane events from her life and turning them into an engrossing story that keeps one turning page after page.

If I have even a single critique about this book it’s that on occasion one wants to reach through the pages and smack the author’s teenaged self upside the head. However, I’m convinced the same can be said of anyone. Who amongst us wouldn’t want to step into a time machine and beat some sense into our younger self? If such a service was ever offered, I know I’d be the first in line.

Bible Girl is a fun story about growing up as an outsider. It’s funny, quirky, and thought provoking at the same time. It’s every bit as good as her first book, which makes me look forward to the next in the series. 5 Stars.

Click Here to Buy BIBLE GIRL (and read my review) on Amazon

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Atticus For The Undead by John Abramowitz

Atticus for the Undead reminded me a lot of M. Night Shyamalan’s Signs. No, I don’t mean the dopier aspects of the movie. It’s because this is a small, personal tale set amidst a much larger backdrop, most of which we’re only given hints about.

Abramowitz’s story takes place in a world where supernatural beings (known as arcanes) have become known to the world. However, rather than waging war against humanity, they’re just trying to fit in...not entirely unlike the beings from Alien Nation or District 9. Unfortunately, also like the creatures from these works, the arcanes in Atticus for the Undead must contend with racism and being treated like second class citizens.

Who will help them? Why Hunter Gamble, that’s who! Gamble, the main protagonist of the story, is an idealistic young lawyer who’s fighting to do what’s right despite the risks (both personal and professional) to him and those around him.

I am normally not a fan of legal dramas, either written or on TV; however, Abramowitz’s story never gets bogged down in tedious details. There’s enough there to give you the sense that he knows what he’s talking about, without making it feel like you’re reading a legal brief. It’s combined with an interesting take on the various denizens of the supernatural world, of which a few bad seeds ruin it heavily for the rest.

There are a few downsides I need to point out. For starters, some of the dialogue doesn’t feel natural (and no, I don’t mean supernatural either). At times the flow of it feels a bit stilted. More problematic, it almost seems as if a chunk of story is missing in the middle. There’s a romantic subplot that suddenly goes from A straight to Z with no feeling for how it got there. Because of this, when one character suddenly proclaims their love for another, it kind of ends up feeling creepy and desperate instead of romantic. Finally, there’s the ending. I won’t spoil it except to say that I thought it was a good ending. However, it also felt a bit too abrupt. I think it could have been fleshed out a bit more so as to leave a better impact.

That being said, I enjoyed Atticus for the Undead. It has made me rethink my normal distaste for legal entertainment. Should Law & Order ever introduce zombies, I might have to give a look. Atticus for the Undead is a fun peek into one of the many microcosms of life that might occur just on the fringes of an epic story. A solid 4 Star read.

Click Here to Buy ATTICUS FOR THE UNDEAD (and read my review) on Amazon

Guest Post by M. Pax: Four Earths to Support the Human Population?

Sometimes coincidences are almost so odd as to be a little spooky. On just about everything I do online, I list myself as a writer and gadget geek. Well sometimes I forget about the geek part a bit...at least here (don't think for a second I'm not walking through life rotting my brain with some gizmo or other). Anyway, I've been feeling bad about that lately and have been racking my brain to try to come up with something to level the playing field again, lest my geek cred be called into question.

Enter M. Pax. She's a fabulous writer who I know through both twitter and Triberr. Sci-fi is her genre of choice. Tell me that's not a match made in heaven. Even better, she was kind enough to accept my invitation to come and guest post on the Poptart Manifesto.

She's here to give us a little primer on Earth and how our sad lack of sufficient resources is one day going to come back and bite us (read: we're screwed!). Will her vision of the future come to pass? Who can say. However, that's not to say you can't read about it right now in her awesome Backworlds series. Thus, without further blathering...

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Four Earths are Currently Needed to Support the Human Population

In October2011, humanity reached a population of 7 billion souls. Just a mere twelveyears after hitting 6 billion. It took us 72,000 years to reach the firstbillion.

To maintainthe comfort of living just a tiny fraction of us enjoy, we need four moreEarths. A changing climate puts even more stress on populations and theplanet’s resources. Our sun is about half way through it’s life cycle. When itgoes, so do we.

Therefore, ifwe plan to adapt and survive, we must discover out how to leave this planet andfind other worlds to settle and live upon.

We have yetto figure out how to get past the Moon. Sure, we have the technology — ships,equipment, and so forth — to get to Mars, but we haven’t figured out how tosurvive in space yet. We need gravity otherwise our bones and other systemsdeteriorate. We become weaker. Recently, it was discovered our eyesightsuffers, too.

Plus, ourships aren’t fast enough to reach a planetary system outside of our own in areasonable length of time.

So, ourfirst forays in colonization will probably not be with live people. They’ll becomputer controlled ships with the materials to grow new people on the otherend. People engineered to live on the worlds their ship lands on. People who’venever set foot on Earth.

That was myvision when creating the world setting of the Backworlds series. The Backworlds, and it’s sequel, Stopover at the Backworlds’ Edge, tellstories about humans settling these other worlds.

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The Backworlds Afterthe war with Earth, bioengineered humans scatter across the Backworlds.Competition is fierce and pickings are scant. Scant enough that Craze’s fatherdecides to hoard his fortune by destroying his son. Cut off from family andfriends, with little money, and even less knowledge of the worlds beyond hisown, Craze heads into an uncertain future. Boarding the transport to Elstwhere,he vows to make his father regret this day.

Availableas an ebook from: Amazon / AmazonUK / Smashwords / Feedbooks

Free onSmashwords & Feedbooks. Will be free on Amazon in a few weeks.

Sign up forM. Pax’s newsletter to benotified the moment The Backworlds goes FREE on Amazon, and when it becomesavailable from other retailers.

About the author:

M. Pax’sinspiration comes from the wilds of Oregon, especially the high desert whereshe shares her home with two cats and a husband unit. Creative sparks also comefrom Pine Mountain Observatory where she spend her summers working as a starguide. She writes mostly science fiction and fantasy, but confesses to anobsession with Jane Austen. She blogs at her website, www.mpaxauthor.com and at Wistful Nebuae. You’ll find linksthere to connect on Twitter, Goodread, FB and other sites.

The Mourning Woods: Teaser 1

It's that time of the...err...year again! I am pleased to announce that Book 3 in my continuing series of foul-mouthed horror comedies about a geeky vampire named Bill is nearing completion.

To help whet your appetite for the misadventures to come, I shall be posting various teasers from the book between now and launch.

Now without further ado, I present to you teaser 1 for

THE MOURNING WOODS
The Tome of Bill, Part3

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 “What do you mean she quit!?” The question came out...well ok, it came out far less harsh than I had intended. I really meant to scream a massive string of obscenities into the phone. However, even I had to admit that yelling, “What the fuck are you talking about you balding, little middle management douche of a shit!?” probably wouldn’t have been particularly diplomatic, considering that I was speaking with my boss.

“I know it’s abrupt,” replied the voice of Jim, my manager at HopScotchGames, “and believe me I’m as upset as any of you. But we’ll just have to handle our own paperwork for a while. Don’t worry; I’ll start interviewing for a replacement next week.”

My roommate and coworker, Ed, hit the mute button. We were seated in his bedroom/office, as we usually were for the weekly conference call. He knew me well enough to know a tirade was coming on, one that it was probably best to spare Jim from, especially if we both wanted to avoid filing for unemployment anytime soon.

Jim’s voice continued to drone, moving on to whatever other topic of importance was next on the agenda. He could have been telling us that he had just won the lottery and was, even now, getting a blowjob from a thousand-dollar hooker, and I wouldn’t have heard a word.

“Calm down,” Ed said preemptively.

“Paperwork!?” I barked, ignoring him. “He thinks I’m worried about paperwork? The only woman I’ve ever loved just walked out of my life and he’s concerned that he has to print his own fucking PowerPoints!”

“Being just a tad melodramatic aren’t we?”

“No! I mean, I know we’ve only been dating for a few months, but...”

“Dating?” Ed interrupted. “You’ve gone out for coffee maybe three...”

“Four!”

“Fine, four times. And didn’t you say it was Dutch each time?”

I glowered at my friend, letting my fangs extend menacingly. He just stared right back, nonplussed. Here I am, a vampire, an immortal terror of the night, and I can’t even get the humans I share an apartment with to tremble in fear. My god, life is just not fair!

“Are you done acting pouty?” Ed asked.

“This is not pouty. It’s supposed to be threatening.”

“You might want to practice that in the mirror some more,” he continued, “Anyway, as I was saying, you’re overreacting just a bit.”

“Like you would know?”

“As a matter of fact, I do. My older sister used to force me to watch Disney movies when we were growing up. Trust me; four non-dates do not a fairytale romance make.”

“There was more to it than that and you know it. Sheila and I...”

“Had boatloads of mind-blowing sex?”

“Well no...”

“Played multiple games of tongue-hockey?”

“Not exactly.”

“Spent every waking moment together?”

“Ok, I get the point!”

“Christ! Did you ever even hold her fucking hand?”

“Well once I brushed up against...”

“Exactly,” he stated. “You pined for her for three years and that’s it! I had a more intimate relationship with my grandmother.”

“Thanks for the visual, dude.”

“Do you guys have any questions?” the voice from the speakerphone asked.

“Huh!?” Ed and I both replied simultaneously. Oh yeah, we had forgotten all about Jim. Hopefully he hadn’t been saying anything important.

Ed quickly unmuted the phone and said, “Nope. I think we’re good.”

“Awesome!” Jim replied. “Then I’ll let you guys get back to work. Keep me updated on your projects.”

“We will,” I answered, having no idea what projects he was talking about. A second later, the call was cut off from his end. Oh well, I could always tease them out of our boss later with a carefully worded email. Besides, Jim was so far from the top of my priority list right then that he just barely even existed.

“Goddammit!” I cried and brought my fist down. The cheap folding table that served as our conference room immediately buckled, sending the phone clattering to the floor. Crap! Sometimes I forget that our furnishings aren’t exactly built to withstand vampire-level abuse.

“I can see that you’re having a moment, Bill,” Ed replied nonchalantly, standing up. “Coffee?”

“Sure. Blood and cream in mine if you don’t mind.”

“No prob. Regular or Baileys?”

“The latter. It’s going to be one of those days.”

He nodded and walked from the room, leaving me alone with my rapidly darkening thoughts.

I tell you, when life decides to kick you in the balls, it sometimes makes it a point to wear cleats. It seems like that’s been my existence for almost a year now, one big haymaker to the nuts after another.

---

Sounds like Bill's day is starting off badly. Sadly for him, it's about to get a whole lot worse. How? Well that would be telling. You'll have to wait and see...

The Mourning Woods: The Tome of Bill, Part 3 is coming soon.

In the meantime, be sure to check out the first two books in the series:

Bill The Vampire:The Tome of Bill, Part1

Amazon Kindle
B&N Nook

Scary Dead Things:The Tome of Bill, Part2

Amazon Kindle
B&N Nook

Double Book Review: An Endless Hunger & Cassidy Jones and Vulcan’s Gift

Today is a bit of old and new. Well not that old, just a review I’ve been meaning to do for a while. I couple that with a short story that graced my desk this past week. Why? Because I kind of like doing the whole double review thing. Twice the bang for your blogging buck, so to speak. So without any further ado...

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An Endless Hunger by Narcisse Navarre

Now this is more my style. I am a horror fan first and foremost. That doesn’t mean I don’t read other genres, but horror always feels like coming home to me. It is a comfort, much like a cold slice of apple pie (yes, I said cold. I don’t like my pie hot). What this says about me, well I’ll let future psychoanalysts debate that. For now, I just care about a good book.

Knowing that I have a slight penchant for things vampiric, Narcisse Navarre (say that three times fast, I dare you :) asked if I might be interested in taking a look at her brand new novella, Endless Hunger. While I normally refrain from diving into a new work while I’m in the middle of writing one of my own, the concept of the book intrigued me. Besides which, all work and no play...

If you’re a fan of Francis Ford Coppola’s movie rendition of Bram Stoker’s Dracula then Endless Hunger will be very appealing to you. Told in first person narrative, this story paints a picture of vivid imagery coupled with heavy metaphor.

The story unfolds quite literally through the eyes, ears, and other senses of the main undead antagonist. While first person POV isn’t uncommon, it is rare to find a story that delves so deep into it. Normally one feels like they’re sitting right behind the main character’s eyes. Here, you are this character. Nestled deep within their cerebral cortex, you are forced to experience every bit of anguish, confusion, and despair that he does. Fans of Anne Rice and other similar brooding vampires will most certainly enjoy the tour de force through the unsettled mind of this undead creature.

I will caution that the wonder of this book might also be its potential downfall for some readers. This is not a typical ‘beginning - primary conflict - ending’ type book. Those seeking such a novel may wish to look elsewhere. Navarre doesn’t paint everything with a crystal clear brush, preferring instead (at least in my opinion) to let the reader draw their own conclusions regarding many of the events. In truth, I feel this is one of those stories which you may have to read through more than once to get a sense of things. Having gone through it twice now myself, I also find this is one of those works where you’ll find something new in each read through. However, this is all more than doable, because for all of its intensity, Endless Hunger is a short read, clocking in at less than 50 pages.

The only critiques I would offer are that I would have loved to have seen a longer story here. The few flashbacks that are offered give a glimpse of the protagonist’s long life, and I wouldn’t have balked at seeing these fleshed out a bit more. Additionally, the action can be confusing at time. Delving into the character’s depths of despair via first person entails experiencing it firsthand, which can be off-putting as events and details begin running together in a cacophony of madness.

An Endless Hunger is a fast, intense read, with strong characterizations and an interesting take on a soul that’s convinced of its own damnation. A 5 star novella.

Click Here to Buy AN ENDLESS HUNGER (and read my review) on Amazon

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Cassidy Jones and Vulcan's Gift by Elise Stokes

Elise Stokes’ first book in this series, Cassidy Jones and the Secret Formula does for superheroes what Harry Potter did for wizards. I started the sequel, Cassidy Jones and Vulcan’s Gift, almost immediately upon completing the first book and finished it shortly thereafter. I will therefore apologize for the sloth of this review. Bad Rick!

However, my slowness should not be taken as an indication of this book’s quality. Vulcan’s Gift is both the Superman II and Wrath of Khan to the first book in that it only improves upon what came before. Cassidy’s origin out of the way, we catch up to her a few weeks later as she’s beginning to test out her new powers more and become more comfortable with them. This is always my favorite part of any superhero story. Ok, we know how you got there and we watched you deal with the emotional ramifications...now show us how badly you can kick some butt.

Much like Superman got General Zod, Cassidy now has a real physical challenge this time around (here’s a hint: it has to do with the title). Maybe it’s just the guy in me, but I love things like this. Don’t get me wrong, the Lex Luthors and Dr. Dooms of the world are great fun to watch. However, at the end of the day the superhero world is all about the brawls. I’d much rather watch the Hulk slug it out with Thor or the Thing than trying to outwit the Mad Thinker. Same with Cassidy Jones.

Stokes brings back most of the characters from the first CJ book, and once again her writing for them is spot on. Emery, Cassidy’s brainy (and good looking...dude’s got it all, I tell ya!) sidekick is included amongst these and while I still feel he’s a bit of a deus ex machina in some situations, he’s likeable enough to make us not worry about it too much.

I very much enjoyed Cassidy Jones and Vulcan’s Gift. If I have even one critique about it, it’s that Cassidy Jones 3 isn’t out yet. However, if Elise Stokes has proven anything from the first two in the series, it’s that the next one will surely be worth the wait.

5 Stars easily.

Click Here to Buy CASSIDY JONES AND VULCAN'S GIFT (and read my review) on Amazon

Tales from the Lingerie Mines

It figures! I write about having no blog ideas and suddenly...*wham*...I have some. Stupid brain!

While replying to a post over at EC Stilson’s wonderful blog, I made mention of a particularly interesting job I had a few years back. Thinking about it brought back all sorts of fun memories. I figured it might be cool to share some of them with you all.

You see, a while back I ran the online department at a major women’s intimate apparel company (that’s bras and panties for the laypeople out there). No, it wasn’t Victoria’s Secret and no I don’t have Adriana Lima’s phone number...Just for the record, even if I did, I wouldn’t give it to you. They’re more on the functional, day-to-day side of things, as opposed to being overly sexy / sleazy (not that there’s anything wrong with that). I won’t mention the name to spare the innocent (namely myself just in case any former co-workers stumble upon this). I’ll just say that it was an awesome place to work and some days I definitely miss it...and not just because of the various model shots I would often spend hours cropping for the website.

Being a guy working in women’s underwear (so to speak) can be a bit of an odd thing initially. For starters, there was the challenge of trying to learn the intricacies of products I don’t use or plan on using. The truth, though, is that things like these are minor hurdles to cross. Most of the true oddness was in the amusing little quirks. Quirks such as:

• Some customers, especially the older ones, didn’t seem to take kindly to dealing with a man. Being in charge meant that sometimes issues with orders would be escalated to me. On rare occasion, I would answer the phone to the voice of a sweet little old lady who would then proceed to go ballistic upon my answering. However, it was not so much because of whatever issue they originally had. No, it was simply because I was man. “I won’t discuss my underwear with you!” I heard more than once from some shocked customer. This always blew my mind. For starters, I’m a professional and always try to act like one. It’s not like I would answer my phone while breathing heavily and then start demanding pictures. Also, let’s not be silly. Being that it was part of my job, the second they were forwarded to me I had their entire order history up on my screen. Trust me, it wasn’t that interesting. Oh, you wear a size 7 panty? Congratulations. Now how can I help you?
  
  
• One word: drama. Our products were pretty well received, but when someone did have an issue...wow! I can’t tell you how many emails we received that mentioned how one of our bras “ruined my life.” Seriously! There must be people out there leading quite the charmed existence if a bra malfunction is the worst thing that’s ever happened to them. After a while, I used to joke that maybe we should change the motto of the company to Ruining Lives, One Bra at a Time. Sadly, our marketing department never got around to adopting it.
  
  
• The products. No, there’s nothing inherently funny about underwear itself. However, one day while carrying some product downstairs for a photo shoot (down, boy! It was with a mannequin), I had a revelation. This was the first time in my life I had ever worked for a company where I could roam the halls carrying an armload of women’s underwear and not be arrested. What a liberating feeling that was!
  
  
  
• TMI! Some of our customers loved to share...I mean really loved to share. Unfortunately those customers were often men and the things they loved to share were often pictures, usually of themselves. Being that some of the emails on the website came directly to me, I received far more than my fair share of “Dear XXXX! Me and my buddy, Gus, just love wearing your thongs. Please find attached pics of us modeling them for you.” There is a saying online: That which is seen cannot be unseen. Believe me when I say it’s true. Oh God is it true! Yet for some reason, much like how it is nearly impossible to not stare at a bad traffic accident, I just had to click on them each and every time. I don’t even want to know what that says about me.
  

As I said, it was definitely one of the more interesting places I have ever worked, as well as one of the more fun. And at the end of the day, I learned a lot...including far more about women’s underwear than I ever really wanted to know. I’ve had quite a few times since then when I’ll see a women walk by wearing a tight, fairly-translucent tee-shirt and my first thought will be, Hey, she’s wearing model # XYZ.

Yeah, sometimes I worry about me too.

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In other, non-underwear related news:

If you haven't already seen it, Bill the Vampire is currently guest blogging over at Laurie's Paranormal Thoughts and Reviews. Stop by and say hi!

The Blogging Doldrums

I’m currently in the middle of writing The Mourning Woods, the third book in my foul-mouthed comedy series about a dorky vampire named Bill who’s been thrust into a world he isn’t ready for, and that definitely isn’t ready for him. Being smack dab in the middle of what I call writing mode definitely has its perks, not the least of which is constantly being able to pull more and more ideas out of the old grey matter. However, there is one definite drawback. For some reason, whenever I am in writing mode, that portion of my brain that comes up with blog post ideas just up and burns out.

I don’t know if it’s an inability to multitask or a laser like focus on one task (as if!), but whenever you see an extended break in my posting it means one thing. Well ok, it might mean two things. After all I could’ve been hit by a bus. But more than likely, barring any obituaries showing up in your local paper regarding bald men with hard to pronounce Italian names, it means that I’m busy killing off my brain cells in the mad pursuit of finishing another book.

No idea why my mind works this way, after all one would think that all of our creative ideas come from one place, and if that lump of cells can spit out a plot point for one thing, then surely it came do so for another. Yet, it is sadly not so with me. It’s like one part of my mind gets a boost to it’s sails, while at the same time another winds up adrift in the Sargasso Sea, just floating around waiting for some passing Kraken to drag it screaming down to the depths. Or it could just be that the various lobes in my head somehow wound up unionizing when I wasn’t paying attention. One side punches in, while the other goes on vacation and leaves its cell phone at home. Stupid brain! See if I pay you overtime.

When calls came out for the A-Z Blog Challenge, I was like “yeah right!” I knew I’d be lucky to get out one post, let alone 26. More power to the bloggers embarking on that insanity. I’d be lucky to get out 26 words for that challenge, much less 26 well thought out posts. Fortunately, with the challenge going on, there’s plenty of posting material out there and I’m sure people aren’t really missing me right now. All in all, it’s probably not a bad time to disappear.

So that’s where I am right now. I expect this webpage to be relatively fallow (unless some eager bloggers wish to guest post...*hint* *hint*, *nudge* *nudge*) for the next few weeks while I continue to polish my latest literary masterpiece (translation: vampire dick jokes). Until then...