Rule of Three Blogfest
Prompt: There is a humorous circumstance
Word count: 514
*This story takes place approximately halfway between the events of Bill the Vampire and Scary Dead Things.
**************************************
Part 1: Bill
They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. I’m pretty sure whoever first said that had a roommate as monumentally stupid as mine. Tom, the stupid roomie in question, sat in the shotgun seat while my second roommate, Ed, was behind the wheel of the parked car. The street, the only one in this jerkwater town from the looks of things, wasn’t exactly crowded. However, the few locals milling about were giving us more than enough bewildered stares. This probably had something to do with Tom being dressed in full warlock regalia while I sat in the back wearing a cloak and an executioner’s hood. Ed, the only one of us with any shame, was dressed normally.
We were in character. However, my outfit was also a bit of a necessity. It allowed me to walk around without bursting aflame in the sunlight. Things like that can really ruin a guy’s day. See, I’m a vampire. Yes, I’m serious! They...err...we exist.
Being undead, a day trip is something I’d usually ixnay at least in the 3 or so months since I had been turned. However, things had been a bit stressful for me since then and my friends had finally suggested a weekend road trip to help me decompress a bit. Too bad we had left the planning up to Tom.
"Renaissance, population three-hundred and thirty three." sighed Ed, repeating the words on the sign leading into this bumblefuck town. "Not including three visitors, two of which are dressed like total doofuses, who I am assuming will not be attending a goddamned renaissance festival." That last part was directed at Tom.
"Ok, I admit I might have read it wrong on Google." he replied.
"Might!?" I queried from the cramped backseat. "I’m dressed like a fucking gimp in a dipshit town where I’m sure half the residents would gladly tell me to squeal like a pig and you might have read it wrong?"
"Cut me some slack, Bill." he replied, pulling his glue-on wizard goatee off. "I mean seriously, who names a town Renaissance and then doesn’t host a ren-faire in it?"
"People less stupid than you apparently." commented Ed, as he shut off the engine and opened the door.
"Where are you going?"
"I’ve been driving for hours. I need to stretch my legs."
"I could use a piss break myself." mused Tom, peeling his costume off to reveal jeans and a t-shirt underneath.
I mumbled something rude and then got out to join them. "Let’s get inside somewhere. I feel like a Luche Libre wrestler’s retard cousin." I griped. They grinned in response, knowing damn well I couldn’t remove my outfit until after sundown. Assholes.
Ed steered us towards what looked to be the town’s lone tavern. Good. A couple of stiff drinks could make even Tom’s idiocy bearable. We were passing what appeared to be a rundown trading post, a sign outside proclaiming “Heriot’s Pass cavern tours. Open Daily!” (fucking tourist traps!), when the front door creaked opened and a voice beckoned us from within.
"Get in here....now!"
To Be Continued...
Oct 5, 2011
Sep 26, 2011
Scary Dead Things is here!
My new book, SCARY DEAD THINGS, part 2 of The Tome of Bill is out!
Available for your favorite e-readers:
Amazon Kindle
B&N Nook
SmashWords
And stay tuned! As part of the Rule of Three blog challenge I will be posting a new original tale from the Tome of Bill here within the next few days. See you soon!
There are reasons we fear the night.
He STILL isn’t one of them.
Bill Ryder: programmer, gamer, and legendary vampire is back!
Six months have passed since a vampire hottie named Sally dragged him kicking and screaming (but mostly screaming) into the supernatural underworld. Since then he’s found himself hounded by enemies and frustrated by his allies. All that and he still can’t work up the nerve to talk to his dream girl. Little does he know his troubles are just starting.
A chance meeting halfway across the world plunges Bill into more insanity than he can shake a stick at. Now he finds himself a marked man in more ways than one. One of the most powerful immortals in the world wants him dead and an ancient vampire princess wants him for entirely different purposes.
However, that might just be the least of his worries as new and powerful forces have begun to emerge from the shadows around him. Are they friend or foe? Considering Bill’s luck, you can bet on the latter.
Bill’s only hope is to marshal his friends, master his powers, and muster enough attitude to stare down the very worst monsters the world can throw at him.
Can Bill survive and prove once and for all that he’s the scariest dead thing of them all?
If you haven't already, be sure to check out the Tome of Bill Book 1, Bill The Vampire
Available for your favorite e-readers:
Amazon Kindle
B&N Nook
SmashWords
Available for your favorite e-readers:
Amazon Kindle
B&N Nook
SmashWords
And stay tuned! As part of the Rule of Three blog challenge I will be posting a new original tale from the Tome of Bill here within the next few days. See you soon!
There are reasons we fear the night.
He STILL isn’t one of them.
Bill Ryder: programmer, gamer, and legendary vampire is back!
Six months have passed since a vampire hottie named Sally dragged him kicking and screaming (but mostly screaming) into the supernatural underworld. Since then he’s found himself hounded by enemies and frustrated by his allies. All that and he still can’t work up the nerve to talk to his dream girl. Little does he know his troubles are just starting.
A chance meeting halfway across the world plunges Bill into more insanity than he can shake a stick at. Now he finds himself a marked man in more ways than one. One of the most powerful immortals in the world wants him dead and an ancient vampire princess wants him for entirely different purposes.
However, that might just be the least of his worries as new and powerful forces have begun to emerge from the shadows around him. Are they friend or foe? Considering Bill’s luck, you can bet on the latter.
Bill’s only hope is to marshal his friends, master his powers, and muster enough attitude to stare down the very worst monsters the world can throw at him.
Can Bill survive and prove once and for all that he’s the scariest dead thing of them all?
If you haven't already, be sure to check out the Tome of Bill Book 1, Bill The Vampire
Available for your favorite e-readers:
Amazon Kindle
B&N Nook
SmashWords
Sep 18, 2011
The Chili Recipe of the Gods! (sorta)
Hello all! What follows is the chili recipe I documented on Twitter today under the #chili hashtag. This is my personal recipe. However, since I am neither a professional cook nor do I participate in many chili cook-offs, I see no reason to keep this private. A good chili should be shared with all! May its meaty goodness give you many hours of eating pleasure...
Ingredients: (note: I usually buy a bit more than I need...better safe than sorry :)
~3.5 lbs of meat:
1.5 lbs of chop meat. I prefer to grind my own from stew meat, but store bought is fine.
1 lb of beef (I prefer top round) cut into 1 inch cubes
1 lb of chicken or turkey, likewise cut into 1 inch cubes.
2 large (32 ounce) cans tomato sauce
1 small can of tomato paste (8 or 10 ounces)
2 quart sized cans or bottles of beef broth
1 Jar of beef bouillon cubes
2 jars of beef gravy or aus jus
Bottle of red wine. Cabernet or Burgundy. No need to go nuts here. A cheap $7 bottle of wine will get you where you're going. You needn't be a wine snob but if you don't believe me go ahead and drop $50 for a bottle of cooking wine. Just know that somewhere I am laughing at you.
Spices: Usually bought in bulk BJs or Sams Club sizes.
Chili power
Black pepper
Salt
Cayenne pepper
Cumen
Onion Powder (can use minced onions if desired)
Garlic Powder (can use fresh minced garlic if desired)
2 bottles of Emerils or Tobasco green pepper sauce.
1 bottle of Frank's red hot sauce*
*Can substitute your favorite hot sauces for this. I once used a very good garlic hot sauce (forget the brand) and it was marvelous. However, I would recommend against either BBQ hot sauce or Chipotle sauces. Their tastes are fairly strong and will definitely skew the chili flavor.
***********************************
Time to Cook (on stove): ~ 2-3 hours
NOTE: This isn't a crock pot recipe. It assumes you're either around to stir this mother constantly or that you like the taste of burnt chili. If you decide to go the crock pot route, this is easily an all day affair.
Directions:
1) In a large sauce pot (1.5+ gallon capacity) add in the tomato sauce and the beef broth. Fill each tomato sauce can with water and add in as well (you'll need something to boil off). Add a healthy amount of chili powder, black pepper, and green pepper sauce to the mixture*. Toss in 1 beef bouilion cube. Turn on high heat and stir. Let it heat up and work on the meat.
*I just go with feel here. Know your own tastes. Going light is ok, you can always add more as this cooks.
2) Season all of the raw meat with the above spices. Feel free to get creative with your spicing, they don't all need to be the same. However, at minimum, Chili powder should be used on all of them.
3) Brown each of the 3 meats separately in a large frying pan with a cup of wine each. Add more spice as desired. Brown the meat slightly. Do not cook fully. Definitely do not overcook. As the beef and chicken cubes are finished, pour the entire contents (meat and sauce) into the main pot.
When the chop meat is finished use a slotted spoon to put the meat into the main pot. Do not put the drippings from the chop-meat into the pot. There's a lot of fat in it which you'll just wind up skimming out. Don't believe me? Fine, enjoy your fatty greasy chili.
4) Ok you have the base of the chili set up. Stir and bring to a boil.
5) Once it's boiling, any oil and fat should separate from the meat and float to the top. Skim this off and toss it. You may need to repeat this step a few times. You want as little fat/oil in this chili as possible. Trust me on this.
6) Turn the heat down to medium and cover the pot. Make sure to stir every 15 minutes for about the next hour. Every time you stir, take a taste. Add in more spice or hot sauce as needed.
Trust me when I say that you can add in a LOT of Chili powder, black pepper, Garlic, Onion, and Cumen without going overboard. The only thing I would be careful with is any hot sauce. Know your tastes and spice it up accordingly. If you have no idea what this means...maybe you should ask someone else to cook this chili for you.
7) After about the first half hour of step 6, add in another bouilion cube and one of the cans of gravy/aus jus.
8) After about an hour doing step 6, the chili should be reduced enough to start thickening. Dip a spoon in and see what happens. If the chili sticks to your spoon when you dip it in it's coming along nicely. If not, see steps 6 and 7 above.
At this point it's advised to turn the heat down to low and stir every 5 minutes for the next half hour. Make sure the meat is NOT sticking to the bottom of the pot or it will burn. The difference between good chili and burnt chili is about the same as eating chocolate pudding vs. a bowl of mud.
9) At this point the chili should be thickening up nicely. Start stirring continually. Since allowing it to thicken too much while on the flame can cause it to burn, I would recommend artificially thickening it the rest of the way. Open the can of tomato paste and stir it into the chili until it is fully dissolved.
10) If you've done everything correctly you should notice your arm starting to cramp up as the chili now has an almost glue-like consistency. If it does, then congratulations! You may turn off the stove and get yourself a bowl. It's eating time.
The remainder can be refrigerated for about a week or frozen until such time as the world ends and you need that extra bit of energy, that only a good cup of chili can bring, to fight off our machine overlords
Goes well with rice, cheese, and bread. Goes very well on hotdogs.
It also goes good with beans, so I hear. Of course this assumes you're the kind of weeny who digs that sort of thing. If so, don't tell me. You'll just lesson my opinion of you.
Enjoy with my compliments. Should you try this recipe, please let me know how it goes. If you like it, please share it with others. If you like it a lot, feel free to horde it and let the others find their own damn chili recipe.
Aug 30, 2011
Promo Description for SCARY DEAD THINGS
There are reasons we fear the night.
He STILL isn’t one of them.
Bill Ryder: programmer, gamer, and legendary vampire is back!
Six months have passed since a vampire hottie named Sally dragged him kicking and screaming (but mostly screaming) into the supernatural underworld. Since then he’s found himself hounded by enemies and frustrated by his allies. All that and he still can’t work up the nerve to talk to his dream girl. Little does he know his troubles are just starting.
A chance meeting halfway across the world plunges Bill into more insanity than he can shake a stick at. Now he finds himself a marked man in more ways than one. One of the most powerful immortals in the world wants him dead and an ancient vampire princess wants him for entirely different purposes.
However, that might just be the least of his worries as new and powerful forces have begun to emerge from the shadows around him. Are they friend or foe? Considering Bill’s luck, you can bet on the latter.
Bill’s only hope is to marshal his friends, master his powers, and muster enough attitude to stare down the very worst monsters the world can throw at him.
Can Bill survive and prove once and for all that he’s the scariest dead thing of them all?
Coming Soon!
He STILL isn’t one of them.
Bill Ryder: programmer, gamer, and legendary vampire is back!
Six months have passed since a vampire hottie named Sally dragged him kicking and screaming (but mostly screaming) into the supernatural underworld. Since then he’s found himself hounded by enemies and frustrated by his allies. All that and he still can’t work up the nerve to talk to his dream girl. Little does he know his troubles are just starting.
A chance meeting halfway across the world plunges Bill into more insanity than he can shake a stick at. Now he finds himself a marked man in more ways than one. One of the most powerful immortals in the world wants him dead and an ancient vampire princess wants him for entirely different purposes.
However, that might just be the least of his worries as new and powerful forces have begun to emerge from the shadows around him. Are they friend or foe? Considering Bill’s luck, you can bet on the latter.
Bill’s only hope is to marshal his friends, master his powers, and muster enough attitude to stare down the very worst monsters the world can throw at him.
Can Bill survive and prove once and for all that he’s the scariest dead thing of them all?
Coming Soon!
Aug 14, 2011
Won't you be my neighbor?
However, this "break" does give me a chance to muse on things a bit. One such thought is on the state of this whole writing thing. While I've known for years that I love to write and that one day I'd (maybe) give the whole thing an actual go for real, I never considered how interacting with other writers would be. As a professional with well over a decade of both corporate and self-employed business experience, I had originally assumed it would be a lot like any other business: i.e. HULK SMASH COMPETITION!!
After all, if I sell air conditioners and you sell air conditioners then if I somehow manage to convince the customer that my air conditioners are better than yours (since yours are no doubt powered by the souls of all those dead puppies you keep buried in your backyard), then it's your loss. I win / you lose, ha ha and vice versa.
What a breath of fresh air it was to discover the same is not true in the writing world. Via twitter and email I've rubbed shoulders with a good many other writers, some who sell less than me and some who sell books in numbers higher than I can count to. The wonderful thing I've discovered: most of them are really cool. Maybe it's just that crazy knows crazy (writers and nuttiness go together like Kool Aid and Jonestown). Or it might be because this is one of the few businesses where competition is not a black and white thing. As a reader I can understand this. I don't pick up author A's book and discard author B's book into the trash pile, never to view it. I read one book and then move onto the next in the list, rinse and repeat. Thus who cares who gets read first as long as you're somewhere on that person's to-read list. It's like a line at an amusement park. Sure it might be long, but there's room for all of us on it. I takes the cutting out of the cutthroat aspect of the business.
In my 'other' life, I've hobnobbed with the competition at various conventions and meet and greets. No matter how friendly it gets, there's always that (insert bad Austrian accent) "I MUST DESTROY YOU!" undertone to things. How refreshing it is to step into another world where that sentiment instead becomes "It's ok if they read you first. They'll get to me eventually."
I like this. I like this very much. In fact I'm eyeing a nice little corner house in this neighborhood. I could see settling down here for a nice long while. It looks like a nice place to raise the kids, have a BBQ, and sit out on the back porch to enjoy the sunset. Oh and should you decide to move in next door I'll be there to welcome you with a friendly handshake and a batch of fresh baked cookies. The wonderful thing being: unlike in my 'other' life, these cookies won't be poisoned.
Aug 9, 2011
Final Teaser for Scary Dead Things
An excerpt from Scary Dead Things
The Tome of Bill Book 2
Coming Soon!
There's nothing like a cool refreshing breeze on a Fall night. Crisp and carrying just a hint of the winter weather ahead, but still pleasant enough to be outside in and enjoy. I've never been much of an outdoors type, anyone with eyes could see that by my pasty white skin. However, this time of year was nice. No bugs, no sweating, just nice and comfortable. I wouldn't mind staying here for a while.
Speaking of which, where the fuck was I anyway?
My head started to clear and with it my vision. I looked around. It was still night. That was good, otherwise my enjoying of the breeze would've been quickly cut off by all the burning and screaming. That tended to put a damper on the old day trips as of late. Judging by the lightening of the horizon it was the wee hours of the morning, maybe an hour or so until daybreak. Still plenty of time to get indoors. Hey, I could actually see the horizon. Come to think of it the view was actually pretty damn nice.
I tried to stand, wobbled a bit and realized why. I was standing on the top of some building. Judging from what I could see, I was at least twenty stories up, maybe more. Odd that I didn't remember stepping out for some pre-dawn stargazing.
There was a slight groan from a bit off the side. Considering the pitch, I wondered if maybe I hadn't brought some female companionship along with me. I walked over, still a little wobbly, and looked down to see Sally.
Awwww, she looked like she was asleep.
And covered in blood.
And with her right arm ending in a stump.
Oh shit!
The memories of the past...however long ago that was, started to filter into my mind, snapping me out of my daze.
“Oh god, Sally. Please don't be dead!” I thought as I knelt down beside her. Well ok, she's already dead, but I mean really really dead. I reached down and put my hand on her throat to feel for a pulse. After about ten seconds of that I mentally slapped myself upside the head. Vampires don't have pulses, regardless of their condition.
Ok, need to think this through. Remember your boy scout training, stupid! Oh yeah, I was a boy scout for all of two weeks before I got bored with it. Come on, what does one do when somebody's hand gets cut off by trained vampire assassins? Ok, pretty sure I didn't read about that one on WebMD. I got it, a tourniquet!
I started to pull off my belt so as to staunch Sally's bleeding stump, when I realized it wasn't doing so any longer. What had been a geyser of blood just a....however long ago, was now nothing. That wasn't good. No blood meant...No! Best not to think of that.
I looked closer, the stump wasn't bleeding because it appeared that it had started to scab over. Her arm was at least partially trying to heal itself. Corpses didn't usually do that. Maybe there was hope. Besides, didn't she just groan? Or was that the wind? Only one way to find out.
I thus did the only thing I could think of. If Sally were truly gone, it's not like it would have made things worse, so I turned her head to face towards me and gave her a hard slap across the face.
"SALLY, WAKE UP!" (please!)
Nothing. Ok maybe I shouldn't hit her hard enough to knock her brains out. I tried it again, slightly softer, but still enough to leave a handprint on her face. That time I got a groan in response. Yes! She was still in there somewhere.
"Come on, Sally! You can do it. Those fuckers can't take you down that easily!" I said as I again felt wetness welling up in my eyes. She started to come around. Her eyes were still closed, but I could see her trying to mouth something. I leaned in closer.
"Say that again. I didn't hear you."
A hoarse whisper met my ear, "Hit me again and I'll gut you."
*******************
Like what you see? Be sure to check out the Tome of Bill Book 1, Bill The Vampire
Available for your favorite e-readers:
Amazon Kindle
B&N Nook
SmashWords
The Tome of Bill Book 2
Coming Soon!
There's nothing like a cool refreshing breeze on a Fall night. Crisp and carrying just a hint of the winter weather ahead, but still pleasant enough to be outside in and enjoy. I've never been much of an outdoors type, anyone with eyes could see that by my pasty white skin. However, this time of year was nice. No bugs, no sweating, just nice and comfortable. I wouldn't mind staying here for a while.
Speaking of which, where the fuck was I anyway?
My head started to clear and with it my vision. I looked around. It was still night. That was good, otherwise my enjoying of the breeze would've been quickly cut off by all the burning and screaming. That tended to put a damper on the old day trips as of late. Judging by the lightening of the horizon it was the wee hours of the morning, maybe an hour or so until daybreak. Still plenty of time to get indoors. Hey, I could actually see the horizon. Come to think of it the view was actually pretty damn nice.
I tried to stand, wobbled a bit and realized why. I was standing on the top of some building. Judging from what I could see, I was at least twenty stories up, maybe more. Odd that I didn't remember stepping out for some pre-dawn stargazing.
There was a slight groan from a bit off the side. Considering the pitch, I wondered if maybe I hadn't brought some female companionship along with me. I walked over, still a little wobbly, and looked down to see Sally.
Awwww, she looked like she was asleep.
And covered in blood.
And with her right arm ending in a stump.
Oh shit!
The memories of the past...however long ago that was, started to filter into my mind, snapping me out of my daze.
“Oh god, Sally. Please don't be dead!” I thought as I knelt down beside her. Well ok, she's already dead, but I mean really really dead. I reached down and put my hand on her throat to feel for a pulse. After about ten seconds of that I mentally slapped myself upside the head. Vampires don't have pulses, regardless of their condition.
Ok, need to think this through. Remember your boy scout training, stupid! Oh yeah, I was a boy scout for all of two weeks before I got bored with it. Come on, what does one do when somebody's hand gets cut off by trained vampire assassins? Ok, pretty sure I didn't read about that one on WebMD. I got it, a tourniquet!
I started to pull off my belt so as to staunch Sally's bleeding stump, when I realized it wasn't doing so any longer. What had been a geyser of blood just a....however long ago, was now nothing. That wasn't good. No blood meant...No! Best not to think of that.
I looked closer, the stump wasn't bleeding because it appeared that it had started to scab over. Her arm was at least partially trying to heal itself. Corpses didn't usually do that. Maybe there was hope. Besides, didn't she just groan? Or was that the wind? Only one way to find out.
I thus did the only thing I could think of. If Sally were truly gone, it's not like it would have made things worse, so I turned her head to face towards me and gave her a hard slap across the face.
"SALLY, WAKE UP!" (please!)
Nothing. Ok maybe I shouldn't hit her hard enough to knock her brains out. I tried it again, slightly softer, but still enough to leave a handprint on her face. That time I got a groan in response. Yes! She was still in there somewhere.
"Come on, Sally! You can do it. Those fuckers can't take you down that easily!" I said as I again felt wetness welling up in my eyes. She started to come around. Her eyes were still closed, but I could see her trying to mouth something. I leaned in closer.
"Say that again. I didn't hear you."
A hoarse whisper met my ear, "Hit me again and I'll gut you."
*******************
Like what you see? Be sure to check out the Tome of Bill Book 1, Bill The Vampire
Available for your favorite e-readers:
Amazon Kindle
B&N Nook
SmashWords
Aug 6, 2011
HP: bad Touch or Padding my wallet?
Back to the tech stuff for a post or two...
Various news outlets reported yesterday that HP's new WebOS tablet, the Touchpad, was going to be discounted this weekend. The kicker: up to a $200 discount at Staples. The kicker #2: this thing came out something like a month ago. That's freaking insane! I'm strictly in the Ipad camp and I'm tempted to go out and get one at that price. Hell, even if I use it for a footrest during the week and play frisbee with it during the weekends that's not such a bad deal.
So my question for this would be: is this desperation on the part of HP because sales have been poor and they have no faith in the Palm acquired WebOS, or is this brilliant marketing on the part of HP to give these things an insane sales boost and make them a player in the field? I guess time will tell.
All I know is that if I had purchased one at full price when they came out (one month ago!) I'd be pissed off in ways they don't even have names for yet.
Various news outlets reported yesterday that HP's new WebOS tablet, the Touchpad, was going to be discounted this weekend. The kicker: up to a $200 discount at Staples. The kicker #2: this thing came out something like a month ago. That's freaking insane! I'm strictly in the Ipad camp and I'm tempted to go out and get one at that price. Hell, even if I use it for a footrest during the week and play frisbee with it during the weekends that's not such a bad deal.
So my question for this would be: is this desperation on the part of HP because sales have been poor and they have no faith in the Palm acquired WebOS, or is this brilliant marketing on the part of HP to give these things an insane sales boost and make them a player in the field? I guess time will tell.
All I know is that if I had purchased one at full price when they came out (one month ago!) I'd be pissed off in ways they don't even have names for yet.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)