The Mourning Woods, the 3rd book of my comedy / horror series about a geeky vampire named Bill, is finally finished and has been released. I’m busy basking in the afterglow (read: trying to keep my brain from pouring out of my ears), but I wanted to let everyone know as well as post one final teaser to hopefully make you salivate a little for it.
Enjoy and (if you celebrate it) have a safe and happy Fourth of July!
The last hundred miles took far longer than I would’ve liked. Thank God for four-wheel drive. Had the weather been any worse, I don’t doubt we’d have had to find a village or traveling hockey team and trade in our wheels for a couple of dog teams.
At long last, though, we were driving through dense, dark woods, following a trail that was just barely wide enough for our vehicle, when the portable GPS finally told us we were close. It was about time. We had maybe one more tank of gas left in the trailer and our supplies were beginning to run low. I had been starting to wonder whether we should have drained that moose just in case. Another couple of days and I would’ve probably needed to start keeping an eye on Sally around my roommates. On the upside, Tom’s constant zombie moaning and groaning had lessened considerably (albeit not entirely). So there was that. What can I say? I’m a “glass is half full” kind of guy.
We all kept lookout through the windows for...something.
“Jeez,” I complained. “This is only a conference to decide the fate of the world. You’d think they’d at least have signs telling us where to park. Are you sure we’re in the right area?”
Ed turned and gave me his best withering glance. “We’re in the middle of fucking nowhere. How the hell am I supposed to know if it’s the right middle of fucking nowhere?”
“Don’t get testy, Ed...” I started to say in a condescending voice, but immediately had to change my tone. “HOLY SHIT! STOP!”
Ed turned back to the trail and immediately hit the brakes. The car skidded to a halt just inches from the thing in front of us. It had appeared from out of nowhere.
“Is that what I think it is?” Tom asked excitedly.
From my vantage point in the backseat, I could only see the front of the car and a pair of hairy, heavily muscled legs standing in front of it.
“Well...” The question was answered as the owner of said legs bent down and peered into the windshield. The face that looked in at us pulled back its lips in a snarl. It was one hell of an ugly motherfucker. Take the creature from Harry and the Hendersons and then beat it with the ugly stick for an hour or two and you might be in the ballpark.
Sally, Ed, and I just stared at the gruesome visage in front of us. Tom, ignoring the basic tenets of sanity, lifted his cell phone and immediately started snapping pictures. The creature noticed him and looked none too happy about it.
I reached forward and smacked him upside the head. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“What?” he complained. “We just proved Bigfoot is real. These babies are going up on Facebook.”
“Are you absolutely sure I can’t kill him?” Sally asked.
I glared at her out of the corner of my eye and replied, “Let me get back to you on that.”
“Huh?” I asked. “What, Ed?”
“That wasn’t me, Bill.”
“Did that thing just talk?” Tom asked, echoing what the rest of us were thinking.
I turned to Sally. “They can speak?”
“How would I know?” she snapped back. “Do I look like Jane Goodall?”
“Weren’t you supposed to ask Boston about these things?”
“How the hell would I even know to ask? The only apes I’ve ever seen are in the Bronx Zoo. Last time I was there, they didn’t talk back.”
“NOW!” the ugly face before us demanded again. This time it brought one cantaloupe sized fist down onto the hood of the car. The entire vehicle shook from the impact.
I looked each of my companions in the eye and said, “I think he wants us to get out.” Never let it be said I didn’t have a grasp of the obvious.
Oh and just to answer what seems to have become my very first FAQ question: no, these are not the same creatures that appear in my horror novel, Bigfoot Hunters. Sorry to say, but Bill and the Crypto Hunter are not currently in the same universe. Alas they are not fated to meet...unless I change my mind at some later date. ;)
The Mourning Woods (The Tome of Bill, part 3):
Haven’t checked out the first two books yet?
Bill the Vampire (The Tome of Bill, part 1):
Scary Dead Things (The Tome of Bill, part 2):