Jul 28, 2011

Teaser 2 for "Scary Dead Things"

A (rough unedited :) excerpt from Scary Dead Things
The Tome of Bill Book 2
Coming Fall 2011

*CRUNCH* Yep, no matter what way you put it, being hurled through a wall hurts. It's funny, just a few short months ago I would have argued that the dreaded atomic wedgie was the most common indignity I had suffered throughout my life. Considering that the proportion of ass-crack related incidents in one's life tends to decrease dramatically post high-school, that's not such a bad thing. After all, most people just won't wedgie another adult. Why? Well my personal theory is that part of becoming an adult means that we start asking much deeper questions about life than when we were kids. One such question being: do I really want to put my hands where this person's dirty ass has been?

That being said, getting thrown through the air to crash into, and sometimes through, solid objects was becoming a disturbingly common occurrence in my life as of late. Considering what it typically felt like to have this done to me, I was beginning to find myself oddly nostalgic about just having my underwear bunched up my ass by some prankster.

Just in case you’re taking notes, brick and concrete were easily the least fun barriers I had been smashed into. Although a wooden retaining wall, which oddly enough was the type I found myself plowing into now, wasn't exactly a vacation in Bermuda either. If this kept up I might have to consider starting a blog about all the scenic walls in the Tri-State areas and what it felt like to be flung through each and every one of them.

Although, right now wasn't exactly an ideal time for blogging. I was just starting to pull myself to my feet when a dark, angry form emerged from the shadows. It was Samuel. He was the leader of a coven of vampires from Queens, that called themselves the HBC due to their home territory including the Howard Beach area. It was a stupid name, but considering my own group was known as Village Coven, due to being headquartered in fucking SoHo, I was probably in no position to be throwing stones.

Apparently it was tradition to name covens after their territories. Sure you wound up with some silly names, (I had heard there was a Scotrun Coven in Pennsylvania, which was bad for them because they would forever more be known in my mind as the Scrotum Coven) but it probably beat the alternative. If every coven was given free reign for names, I had little doubt we'd all wind up with dopey crap like: The Blood Brotherhood, The Midnight Raiders, or maybe The Sons of Darkness. In short, we'd all sound like retarded local chapters of the Legion of Doom. My own coven had a rule not too long ago regarding taking new personal pseudonyms and we wound up with stupid shit like people calling themselves things like Rage Vector, Night Razor, and Dr. Death. So, all things considered, I could probably live with Village Coven.

Still, worrying about things like coven names is probably best left to times when you're not in danger of of getting your head torn off. Samuel leapt at me, no doubt going for the kill. Well ok, maybe that's a bit obvious. After all you typically don't fling yourself through the air at people you're having a polite conversation with about the weather. Fortunately for me, I was far from out of it. I may not able to dish it out as well as some others, but I can definitely take it. See, I'm a vampire too. I also have a lot of aforementioned experience getting tossed around. You build up a tolerance to it after a while. Those two things combined allowed me to recover quickly enough to snatch a busted two by four out of the rubble of the safe-house wall I had just plowed through. Before Samuel could fully cover the distance, I swung the beam and connected with a solid *KAPOW*. Samuel went flying back into the shadows from whence he just came. That gave me a breather, but I knew it wouldn't be nearly enough to finish him.

In barely the space of a breath he was back up. Samuel crossed the distance between us almost faster than I could see. I just barely had enough time to brace myself before he hit me in the side of the head with a wild backhand swing. I went down. Truth be told, under normal circumstances the blow would have probably put me down for the count. But these weren't normal circumstances and I'm not a normal vampire.....if there even is such a thing.


Like what you see? Be sure to check out the Tome of Bill Book 1, Bill The Vampire

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