Oh well, tis the season for giving and all...and I guess that includes all of the associated headaches that come with it. Still, it's all worth it to see a smile on the faces of our loved ones (or even semi-liked ones :).
But hey, you didn't come here to listen to me blather on did you? No, you're probably here for Part 2 of our Bill The Vampire Christmas Story.
Click here to read Part 1 if you haven't already. Aside from that, without further ado...
What the fuck!?
"Wake up, you little pussy!"
Again I was smacked in the face. I opened my eyes, but - judging by the voice - I already knew who would be there looking down at me.
"Yes, me again," Jeff spat before backhanding me across the face a third time.
"I know. I just enjoy smacking the shit out of you."
I sat up and scuttled across the bed away from him. "What the fuck are you doing back here?"
"I am the ghost of Christmas past, Freewill."
"Whoa there just a fucking second, dude," I said standing up. I walked up to him and poked a finger into his muscular chest. Hmmm, for an incorporeal spirit he sure as shit felt solid enough. That was potentially worrisome. Still, I couldn't let him know that. "I thought you were supposed to be Jacob Marley here. You ain't no Patrick Stewart, so how the hell can you also be the ghost of Christmas..."
I didn't get a chance to finish the question as Jeff's fist collided with my face. I felt blood explode out of my nose as I staggered back. Yep, he was definitely solid enough.
"I'm whoever the fuck I say I am!" he snapped at me. "Want to argue the point?"
"No, not particularly," I mumbled, still holding my smashed face.
"Good, then let's go," he said. "The less time I have to spend babysitting your nerdy ass, the better."
He grabbed a hold of my arm and dragged me forward. I knew the size of my bedroom and I should have impacted with the wall, but I didn't. We just kept walking. Somehow I wasn't overly surprised.
"Let me guess, you're gonna show me the day I killed your ass and convince me it somehow made me a bad person," I said, still trying to stem the flow of blood from my crushed nose. Goddamn, for a ghost, the douchebag hit really hard.
"Sorry, but that didn't happen at Christmas time. Rules are rules. Oh, but thanks for reminding me about that." A moment later I felt his fist impact with my stomach, driving the wind out of me.
I went down to my knees gasping. This was getting old. I balled my fist, ready to spring up and cock punch the bastard, but that's when I heard a voice.
"I want a bike!"
It was a whiney, childish voice. It was also familiar...very familiar, namely because it was mine. I opened my eyes and found myself in my parents' living room, back in Scotch Plains, NJ. It was just as I remembered...from fifteen years ago at least.
"Santa didn't bring you a bicycle, William," my father patiently explained to my younger self. Thinking back on things, it was obvious why. At that age, I had sucked at riding a bike. My first few forays on one, borrowing my friend Tom's, had resulted in my crashing into a tree, then a bush, and finally the side of my father's car - scraping the shit out of it in the process. "Why don't you open the nice board games he brought you?"
One of the 'board games' I had gotten that year had been a boxed Dungeons and Dragons set. In the end, I had gotten a whole lot more use out of that, but that wouldn't start for at least a few weeks yet. For now I was firmly fixated on the bike that Santa had gypped me out of.
"But I was a good boy!" the nine year old version of me whined.
"I know, William, but..."
"SANTA SUCKS! I WANT A BIKE!" the younger me screamed, then burst into tears.
"Why are you showing me this?" I asked Jeff, making sure to take a step back so as to be out of punching range. "I know how it played out. I cried for half the day until I got sent to my room. A month later my parents finally had enough and got me the damn bike, which I promptly fell off of and broke my arm. Lesson learned."
"A shame it wasn't your neck."
"Yeah pity that. Then I couldn't have grown up, been turned into a vampire, and - oh yeah - taken over your coven."
Jeff turned to me, burning hatred in his eyes. He looked as if he was about to pounce upon me, but somehow he managed to restrain himself. I figured that probably meant we were done here and would be off to another stroll down memory lane. That's the way the story went. Instead, though, he asked, "Have you fucked any of them?
"Huh?" I asked, caught by surprise. "My parents!?"
"No, dickless. The coven...the women."
"I did...all of them. Hell, sometimes two or three at a time. I used to make Sally scream like the traitorous little whore she is."
Okay, that kind of stung. I'll admit, when I took over from Jeff, I had a few fantasies along the line of all the orgies I'd be having with the insanely hot females of the coven. Sadly for me, that hadn't happened. One day they were all slutting it up with Jeff, the next you'd have sworn I had taken over a convent instead of a group of vampires. Don't get me wrong, I'm not like Jeff. I believe in treating women with at least a modicum of respect. Regardless, that little detail continued to miff me.
"And your point is?" I asked, trying not to sound annoyed.
"My point is that nothing has changed. You were a little pussy back then and you're an even bigger pussy today."
"Thanks for the insight, Dr. Freud. So, again, what exactly is this supposed to teach me?"
In the blink of an eye, Jeff was right in front of me. Vampires can move damn fast when they want to. Guess the same goes for ghost vampires. I'd have to make a note of that.
"Not a goddamn thing," he said, a predatory smile on his face. "I just wanted to remind you how pathetic you are. That's lesson enough for me." Once again, his fist flashed out and caught me square on the chin. This time when I fell back, darkness enveloped me. Oh well, at least I didn’t have to listen to him anymore.
* * *
Hangovers suck. They suck ten times as bad, though, when you haven’t even been drinking. At least I didn’t remember drinking. No, all I remembered was Jeff’s fist impacting with my face like a meteor.
Wait...Jeff!? Wasn’t he dead, as in permanently? Then how come...okay, that must have been a dream; a really bad dream...a painful one to be honest, but a dream nevertheless. Vampires didn’t come back from being dusted.
Well, okay, I don’t know that for sure. I mean I guess it’s possible. Still, it seems a little petty to come back just long enough to kick the shit out of me before disappearing back into the ether for all of eternity. Of course, petty is a pretty good word to describe Jeff, although douchebag is a much better word. Hell, I could spend the next several hours thinking up new and interesting...
“Are you just gonna lie there playing with yourself all night? Because if so, I’m gonna get the fuck out of here.”
I bolted straight up at the sound of the voice.
Ouch! Okay, my head didn’t like that one bit. I put my hands on my temples to keep my frontal lobe from trying to escape. While I did so, I processed what I had just heard. I knew that voice, in fact I knew it very well. It was a voice that had nagged, complained, and been non-stop bitchy to me ever since that fateful night when I woke up to find myself dead.
“Sally?” I asked, cracking my eyes open. They didn’t stay that way for long, though. One glimpse was enough to open them wide enough that I thought they’d surely come flying out of my head.
“Take a picture, asshole. It lasts longer. On second thought, don’t. Try it and I’ll tear your fucking arms off.”
I had no answer for that, hell I barely even heard her. One-hundred and ten percent of my attention was centered on how she was dressed...or undressed. Sally stood there in front of my bed, bathed in an eerie glow; however, that part barely even registered. What did, was that she was wrapped in nothing but festive ribbon, big red bows of them covering all of her good parts. If Jeff has been a nightmare, surely this was the wettest of wet dreams.
“I am the ghost of Christmas Present...” she started to say, sounding bored.
“Why are you dressed like that?”
“Don’t ask me. Apparently your subconscious is filling in some of the blanks here.” She glanced down at herself and rolled her eyes. “Offhand, I’d say this is one-half bad pun with the rest being some really sick fucking fantasy on your part.”
“So this is all a dream?” I asked, getting out of bed and approaching her.
This was a hell of a lot better than that shitty old bicycle. “Mind if I unwrap my Christmas present?” I reached out a tentative hand, grinning...
...and was immediately met by another fist to the face. Sally can’t hit as hard as Jeff, but never ever discount her. She packs one hell of a mean right. If someone had told me when this day began that I'd be signing up for some makeshift rhinoplasty, I'd have stayed in bed.
“Try that again and the only Christmas present you’ll be looking forward to is the doctors being able to reattach your dick.”
“Point taken,” I replied, checking to see if any teeth had been knocked loose.
“Good, then follow me.” She turned and began to walk, but I didn’t move. My feet were rooted in place as my eyes traveled down, noticing the Christmas ribbon thong that was, so far as I could tell, the only thing covering her ass.
No doubt sensing where my gaze was roaming, she turned and gave me a glare. “Eyes up here, mister, before I rip them out of your skull. Let’s get this over with before you totally creep me the fuck out.”
“I’m in no rush.”
“I doubt that. Probably already shot a load in your pants.”
That wasn’t true...well okay, it almost was. Sometimes having a vivid imagination is an awesome thing. Still...
"So what's the deal?" I asked, trying to focus. "Last time I checked, you weren't dead."
"That's okay, the last time I checked, you weren't a man. How the fuck should I know? All I know is that I'm here, I'm supposed to show you some bullshit that's probably going to fail to teach you a lesson, and, oh yeah, I'm dressed like I'm about to star in a porno about Santa's candy cane."
"Well at least that last part is pretty normal."
She turned and shot daggers at me with her eyes. "You can either walk or be dragged."
"Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming."
* * *
For the second time that night, I followed a spirit into the unknown. As before, I was led up to and then through my own bedroom wall, finding myself floating in the ether. Oh well, at least this time my company was far more pleasant to look at.
"Behold," she said, her tone that of someone reading off of a cue card, "the misery that abounds this Christmas season because of your misdeeds."
I tore my eyes off of Sally's figure long enough to take a quick look and comment, "Um, I know Tom's kind of special, but I'm pretty sure Tiny Tim never had it this good."
Sally turned to survey the scene. We were in Christy's apartment. I could tell because it was far more tastefully decorated than Tom's room at our place. She and my roommate were in the middle of a pretty heavy make-out session.
"I did not need to see this," Sally commented with a sigh.
"Not doing wonders for me either."
The couple started tearing at each other's clothes as we watched. Finally, Christy started unzipping Tom's pants. At this point Sally waved her hands, causing everything in our view to thankfully get all hazy. "We're out of here," she said. "If I have to see that fucktard's bony ass, I'm gonna be one cranky camper."
I didn't bother to point out that Sally wasn't too far from that even when she was in what passed as a good mood for her. Nope, I just kept my mouth shut and continued to feast on the eye candy.
"Next stop," she said, turning to fix me with another stoney stare. I quickly brought my eyes up, not wanting to get decked again. "Let us visit your coven and see what horrors have befallen them as a result of your...oh Jesus Christ!"
I looked past her, my jaw dropping open. "Whoa! Why the fuck wasn't I invited to this?" The scene before me was like some kind of Roman orgy...only bloodier. We were in the SoHo loft, scene of most of my coven's social action. A pair of dead bodies lay on the floor...a not too surprising thing when dealing with vampires. As for the members of the coven, well they were in various states of doing...stuff. Loud techno music played as the surreal scene played out before us.
"This is what goes on when I'm not there?"
"Well...yeah," Sally commented.
"Quite the opposite, I'd say."
As we watched, two of the women, Vanessa and Firebird, pulled each other's bloody tops off and began wildly making out with one another.
"Now we move on to see what other..."
"Hold on," I said. "I'd kinda like to stick around here a bit...you know, learn some more about my misdeeds."
"You'd die alone in a women's prison," she quipped with an eye roll. Another wave of her hands and we were once again surrounded by mist and darkness. Dammit...just when the movie was getting good.
"Ah here we are." she said. "Behold your friend Ed. Let us watch as he wallows in the suffering that has been brought upon him. Ooh! Victoria's Secret is having a sale!"
We were in a mall, the Manhattan Mall from the look of things. Okay, I could dig this. If Ed was here during the holiday season, then he sure as shit was suffering. I wouldn't wish this fate on my worst enemy. I'd sooner sunbath naked on my roof than be here at this time of year.
We spied him as he came out of a jewelry store on the second floor. What the hell? If he was miserable, he sure didn't show it. Hell, he almost looked happy, That might not sound like much, but it was about as close to jubilation as Ed got.
"What's he doing?"
"How the fuck am I supposed to know?" Sally replied. "Watch and learn."
Ed stepped over to the railing, away from the crowd of mall minions cascading in both directions. He pulled a small jewelry box out of his pocket and opened it to inspect the contents. Inside was a bracelet, a pricey one by the look of things. Why the hell was Ed buying jewelry, unless...
"Are those rubies?" Sally asked, suddenly interested. "They're my favorite."
I turned to face her, staring her in the eye - her body momentarily forgotten (but only momentarily). "Are we here, just so we can watch Ed buy you a Christmas present?"
Sally adopted her best innocent face. It came across about as sincere as an apology from Charles Manson. "Don't look at me. I'm just the tour guide here."
"Why am I suddenly smelling bullshit? Either way, though, I'm failing to see the point here. I thought you said we were going to be viewing scenes of the misery I caused."
"As far as I can tell, the only miserable person I've seen so far tonight is myself. Double that after all the fun shit I've seen everyone else doing."
She got a thoughtful look for a split second, then just shrugged. "Oh well, good enough for the accounting I guess."
"Will you look at the time?" she said, miming looking at a wristwatch that wasn't there. "I gotta get out of here. Places to be, bracelets to unwrap."
"You can't just..."
"Sorry, I don't make the rules. I just follow them." She began to turn away, but then stopped. "By the way," she said, stepping up to me. "If I suspect for even a second that you've been jerking off to...well, this..." she gestured down at her state of undress. "I will make a matching pair of earrings out of these."
Before I could react, her hand - claws extended - came up and locked onto my crotch. It would have been marvelous, had it not been so excruciating.
"Wouldn't dream of it," I squeaked.
"Didn't think so," she blithely replied. To help drive home the point, she gave one final squeeze, hard enough so that the world greyed out around me and I fell to my knees - unaware of anything else save the screaming jingle bells between my legs.
To be concluded...
Click here to read Part 3.