Jun 3, 2012

An Open Letter to the Future

This past weekend I found myself doing one of my least favorite tasks: mowing my lawn.  Sadly, it’s one of those necessities of home least until such time as I just pave the damn thing completely over (one can dream, can’t one?)

So there I was, pushing my gas-powered, pollution-belching blades of mowing death, when suddenly I found myself feeling guilty.  No, it wasn’t because I had accidentally chopped up my wife’s flowers...again.  It was because I realized that I was wasting precious resources and dumping all sorts of toxins into the atmosphere...and for what?  Is it really worth raping of the planet just so that my family and I can walk around on the lawn without being harassed by snakes, ticks, and whatever other god-forsaken creatures live in the tall grass?

But that got me thinking (warning: this is usually a bad thing).

It seems we go out of our way an awful lot for the sake of the future.  We torment ourselves, we browbeat others, and we spend far beyond our means all so that our unborn generations can have their futuristic utopias.

You know what...fuck that!

This is America, the land of Capitalism.  You know what that means; it’s all about give and take.  I give something and I expect to get something in return.  Yet here I am, giving myself a guilt trip (and no doubt erasing several years off my life from the stress) with little or no expectation of a return investment.  Sure, you could argue that my children’s’ children shall reap the benefits.  That’s all fine and well for them, but I’m kinda stuck living in the here and now.  I’m not so sure I care to work hard just so that some great great great grandchild can have a sense of entitlement.

So I’ve decided no more of that. Just like I don’t care to spoil my own children, I prefer to do the same for my future spawn.  In short, they need to earn it. How so? Well, I’m a fair person.  I don’t require a lot.  Thus, I offer this deal for any descendents who happen to be reading this: I’ll do my part to keep this world pristine and, in return, I only ask for one be rebuilt as an indestructible cyborg.  Simple, no?  While this may be daunting right now, I’m sure it’s little more than a trip to the corner store for whatever future Gualtieris are looking at this on their holo-vids.

Just to keep it fair, I shall hold off on further environmental endeavors until such time as I get a message affirming the deal from whatever chrono-version of Fedex happens to still be around 1000 years from now.  It’s ok, I’ll wait.

If the answer is no or, worse yet, the lazy bums are too busy exploring the galaxy to answer me (which I shall assume is also a no), then I say this to the future generation: suck it!  Have fun fighting off the Morlocks from your rapidly disintegrating biodomes.  See if I care!

ps: If whatever descendents happen to be viewing this are doing so while mining spice and fighting off sand worms on a distant desert planet, the deal’s off.  No offense, but you’re probably all boring dipshits and I’d rather stay dead.

ps ps: If a different future comes to pass, let me just say this now...Get your stinking hands off my corpse, you damn dirty apes!**

** Unless you’re planning on rebuilding me in that cyborg body I mentioned earlier.


Janie Junebug said...

Yeah. Fuck that. Fuck it all. Fuck me.


Rick Gualtieri said...

Having a bit of a day, Janie? :)

Carrie said...

Would that be the meringue-covered planet briefly mentioned in the Hitch-Hiker's Guide? Or is yours made of cake or something.
I think my ideal dessert planet would be ginger cake, with some kind of molten toffee for the core.

Rick Gualtieri said...


Just for the record, I'd be quite happy with a Key Lime planet.

Carrie said...

Sounds yummy.
But now you've changed it and anyone reading this won't know what I was on about. :(

Rick Gualtieri said...

Half the fun is keeping people guessing. :)

fuonlyknew said...

I was thinking it was the planet from Dune. It would probably taste like pumpkin pie. And for my descendents. I guess it would be, I don't see you do anything!


Joshua said...'re not up for cutting my grass for me then? That's why I had kids anyway.

Rick Gualtieri said...

Awesome. When they're done send them over. Mine are useless for lawn maintenance :)

Elisa Hirsch said...

We only mowed our lawn once this year . . . I found a snake last week and FINALLY hired someone to help. Oh MY GOSH! We had a whole collection of creepie-crawlies living in our lawn.

yeah . . . I need to mow it more often even if I do have to hire a sitter so the babies won't throw themselves in front of the mower.

livin' the dream

Rick Gualtieri said...

A snake? I had a suicide frog last week. Was mowing (didnt see it) and it hopped out of the way just in time.

Trying to train my oldest to take over the task, but it's been a losing battle so far. :)

Tammy Bleck said...

Rick, funny as hell. One word: rocks. They never need mowing, snakes hate them and it will piss of your neighbors. Win, win, win! There has been many a day when I worried about the future. Now, I have my hands full with today. The future is on it's own.