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Mar 6, 2012

Meet The Larva

Those of you who follow me (or my wife) on Twitter, have probably seen mentions of ADD Boy, Misery, and Chaos. If you read my previous post on Autism, you also saw mention of them. Additional, some of you have asked who we’re talking about. Thus I figured I’d drag them kicking and screaming (especially the screaming) into the limelight. This, and it also gives me some basis to reference them in any future posts (writing is fine and all, but sometimes a good parent rant can satiate the blog demons).

They are, in short, the three young males who inhabit my domicile, call me dad, and proceed to consume all of my worldly possessions...not always in that order. As for those nicknames...well let me assure you they are quite apt, if sarcastically so.

ADD Boy is the oldest. I have no clue how we got him. My best guess is that there was a mix up at the hospital and we somehow wound up with the son of socially competent parents. He’s outgoing, friendly, and popular with just about everyone who’s ever met him (including a growing population of young ladies...ye gods I'm going to be broke when this kid starts dating)...in short, it’s weird. If my wife and I ever die (probably as a result of Misery’s machinations) there is going to be a massive war amongst the family for possession of ADD. He’s also maddeningly talented. He’s one of those rare people who can be good at just about anything without bothering to apply themselves. My wife, a flutist, is constantly driven bonkers by him, complaining that he could eclipse her musically if only...and here is the kicker...he applied himself. That’s the thing. See, for all of his fine traits, ADD has the attention span of a bucket of fruit. Right now he has three passions: gymnastics, cell phones, and cars. If you aren’t one of those, you could be on fire and ADD probably wouldn’t notice you for long.

However, whereas ADD wouldn’t notice if you were ablaze, Misery wouldn’t piss on you to put you out. Some years back there was a comic book called Saint Sinner. It was about a man who was simultaneously possessed by both a demon and an angel. If such a thing is possible, then Misery is the perfect poster child for it. Some days he can be the sweetest of kids...but most often he’s not. In a nutshell, Misery was born angry. The kid has a temper with a near non-existent fuse. He’s also smart...as in scary smart (with potential to grow into terrifyingly smart). I have yet to see the electronic device he couldn’t master within minutes. From a young age, we could tell he was a plotter. Hell, if you were to visit my house, you might wonder if my neighborhood was besieged by crackheads due to all the locks on the doors. Not so, I would answer. Those were all put there to try and keep Misery from escaping during his toddler years. He’s my personal candidate for becoming the next Dr. Doom. He’s been voted person most likely in my household to incite a global genocide. You are advised to not get on his bad side, especially if your insurance premiums are lapsing.

Chaos is an unholy fusion of his two older brothers. Social and scatterbrained like his oldest brother, temperamental like the other, Chaos is, in short, a force of nature. He is the bull in our china shop. Whereas Misery is a planner, Chaos is a doer. He moves from one disaster to the next, usually just stopping long enough to come over and demand a hug (and juice box), before going forth and causing a crash elsewhere in the house. Chaos will be that kid in high school who could never say no to a dare. He is the reason that bubble wrap was invented. He also really likes to be tickled...a lot. I mean really really a lot. I have yet to meet a person with the finger strength to tickle Chaos nearly as much as he wants. He likes it so much that one day we expect to discover if it is indeed possible to tickle someone into a coma.


And those are my kids. They are never boring and will most likely be the reason I eventually wind up insane and penniless. However, I love them with all my heart and every day they bring me joy in ways I couldn’t otherwise imagine...at least in between the moments when they aren’t busy doing something to cause me to gaze wistfully into my pc while Googling adoption agencies. :)

9 comments:

Greta van der Rol said...

That was a fun read. The attention span of a bucket of fruit was my favourite.

laura thomas said...

Too hilarious:) You could write a book about these boys. Gotta love em!

Allan Douglas said...

If I had an address I'd send you a sympathy card. These are indeed recipes for extreme drama. All I can offer is; "When all else fails - DUCT TAPE" (just kidding, really)

Rick G said...

They almost made it into my last book. I kept threatening to name some of the victims after them. :)

Rick G said...

Nah! Duct tape is for all the repair I need to make. Now Velcro...there's an idea I've toyed with.

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

This is so fun! Your kids sound awesome.

This is my favorite line because it made my laugh really hard ;)

However, whereas ADD wouldn’t notice if you were ablaze, Misery wouldn’t piss on you to put you out.

I love the way you write!

Come At Me Bro said...

This is great!

Rick G said...

It's also probably the most apt line in the while thing. :)

Thanks, Elisa.

Rick G said...

Thank you!