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Oct 5, 2011

Ren Faire: A Tale from the Tome of Bill

Rule of Three Blogfest
Prompt: There is a humorous circumstance
Word count: 514

*This story takes place approximately halfway between the events of Bill the Vampire and Scary Dead Things.

**************************************

Part 1: Bill

They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. I’m pretty sure whoever first said that had a roommate as monumentally stupid as mine. Tom, the stupid roomie in question, sat in the shotgun seat while my second roommate, Ed, was behind the wheel of the parked car. The street, the only one in this jerkwater town from the looks of things, wasn’t exactly crowded. However, the few locals milling about were giving us more than enough bewildered stares. This probably had something to do with Tom being dressed in full warlock regalia while I sat in the back wearing a cloak and an executioner’s hood. Ed, the only one of us with any shame, was dressed normally.

We were in character. However, my outfit was also a bit of a necessity. It allowed me to walk around without bursting aflame in the sunlight. Things like that can really ruin a guy’s day. See, I’m a vampire. Yes, I’m serious! They...err...we exist.

Being undead, a day trip is something I’d usually ixnay at least in the 3 or so months since I had been turned. However, things had been a bit stressful for me since then and my friends had finally suggested a weekend road trip to help me decompress a bit. Too bad we had left the planning up to Tom.

"Renaissance, population three-hundred and thirty three." sighed Ed, repeating the words on the sign leading into this bumblefuck town. "Not including three visitors, two of which are dressed like total doofuses, who I am assuming will not be attending a goddamned renaissance festival." That last part was directed at Tom.

"Ok, I admit I might have read it wrong on Google." he replied.

"Might!?" I queried from the cramped backseat. "I’m dressed like a fucking gimp in a dipshit town where I’m sure half the residents would gladly tell me to squeal like a pig and you might have read it wrong?"

"Cut me some slack, Bill." he replied, pulling his glue-on wizard goatee off. "I mean seriously, who names a town Renaissance and then doesn’t host a ren-faire in it?"

"People less stupid than you apparently." commented Ed, as he shut off the engine and opened the door.

"Where are you going?"

"I’ve been driving for hours. I need to stretch my legs."

"I could use a piss break myself." mused Tom, peeling his costume off to reveal jeans and a t-shirt underneath.

I mumbled something rude and then got out to join them. "Let’s get inside somewhere. I feel like a Luche Libre wrestler’s retard cousin." I griped. They grinned in response, knowing damn well I couldn’t remove my outfit until after sundown. Assholes.

Ed steered us towards what looked to be the town’s lone tavern. Good. A couple of stiff drinks could make even Tom’s idiocy bearable. We were passing what appeared to be a rundown trading post, a sign outside proclaiming “Heriot’s Pass cavern tours. Open Daily!” (fucking tourist traps!), when the front door creaked opened and a voice beckoned us from within.

"Get in here....now!"


To Be Continued...

27 comments:

Joshua said...

Well done, sire. Humor, suspense, and a gimp costume. What else does a story need?

Damyanti said...

Cool characters, humor, spiffy writing. Like.

M Pax said...

So what's behind the door? Interesting start to your story

Roland D. Yeomans said...

Never let a doofus plan the road trip! Great entry, Roland

Anonymous said...

The suspense is killing me!! What will be beyond the door? I anxiously look forward to the next installment of the story!

Renee said...

Excellent! I so love a good vampire story.
I'll be back!

Rick G said...

Thanks, Renee! Although in all fairness, I never promised a "good" vampire story. :)

Gerhi Feuren said...

I was waiting for somebody to pull a Renaissance fair out - seems it wasn't you either. Still a good start.

Misha said...

Hahahaha AWESOME! I love Bill already. His dry tone is perfect. ^_^

TD Tessier said...

Some nice twists. That last is a nice hook. Made me smile. I'm looking forward to more.

Richard said...

Funny and intriguing. Thanks for switching to the pop-up comment box.

Rick G said...

Hey all! A big collective thank you for all the great comments. I sincerely appreciate it!

li said...

Ah, humour and vampires. This should prove interesting :-)

Sylvia van Bruggen said...

oh I loved this. Such a funny take on Renaissance. Will be back for more!

Nick Rolynd said...

Oh, wow. This is hilarious! I can't wait for the next part! xD

- Nick

Sonja said...

Consider my appetite whetted...good stuff, looking forward to next week :0)

Colleen Chen said...

Excellent! Vampires and humor, a good mix. "bumblefuck town," heh heh.

kenradaniels said...

Great first installment! Love Bill's dry humor.

Ms Saba (aka Teacher007.5) said...

nice!

Lisa said...

Humor is hard to pull off and you do it. Good job!
Road rip? Thanks, I will plan my own!

May-Day_Aura said...

Hahaha! Loved the lines about "reading it wrong on Google" and the lack of a ren-faire in a town called Renaissance.

Barbara V. Evers said...

Fun and suspense all in one. Liked it!

Kurt Hartwig said...

It's a zombie attack.

No?

Great start and fantastic voice.

Book Republik Blog said...

"bumblefuck town" = pure genius!

Strongest entery of #REN3 yet this one Rick. Well done.

BornStoryteller said...

Gotta love funny vampires.

I was waiting for someone to make the Ren Faire play...

Looking forward to the next installment.

Stuart
co-host #REN3
Tale Spinning

Corinne O'Flynn said...

oh that was hilarious! Cannot wait to red the next installment!!

kelworthfiles said...

Ooh, that's such a funny start! Thanks for bringing your characters to Renaissance, even on a misunderstanding like that. I'm looking forward to whatever happens to them next!